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The Mummy Takes Us On A Journey Of Curses, Killing And Two Hours Of Boredom/Confusion

The mummy movie poster with tom cruise standing in front of the face of the mummy

ADD REVIEW:  So I saw the new Mummy movie.  And to save you some time, this movie is pretty much is good as a load of wet smelly diapers.  Because it just seems like the director said, “I have an idea, let’s reboot the Mummy with Superhero Scientologist Tom Cruise.  Then we have an excuse to throw in a whole bunch of random action scenes against crusty dead people.”  And that is why about thirty minutes into this movie I felt like I was the one who was cursed.

sofia boutella from the mummy movie. She is in chains screaming. She has letters in makeup on her face. Written meme: maybe my scream of pain will take your mind off losing two hours to see the mediocre mummy movie

image that says blows with a yellow smiley face. smiley face as a shocked look. There is a bar graph with the label audience laughs. The ranges are meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The meter is set on Meh

THE LOW DOWN:

Tom Cruise and his friend Jake Johnson are a couple of grave robbers who accidentally open up a secret tomb of the baddest mummy chick who ever lived.  While they’re in the tomb, Tom Cruise gets the bright idea to fire his gun at some ropes and release the mummy.  Which instantly made me go, “You’re an idiot and that makes absolutely no movie sense.  Tommy, it’s a bad idea to wake up the witch who’s gonna destroy world.”  

Anyway, next they hop on a plane to transport their new found mummy booty.   Unfortunately the plane is taken down by killer crows over England.  But when the plane crashes, Tom Cruise survives because he has been cursed by the moldy mummy.  But not only does he survive, he wakes up in a body bag with absolutely no scratch at all looking buff as hell.  Which made me say, “Maybe that mummy curse isn’t bad after all.”

But soon Tom learns that the mummy wants to stab with him with a magic dagger to make him into a god with power over life and death.  And upon hearing this he’s like,  “Sounds nice, but I’m kind of falling for my blonde co-costar Annabelle Wallis.  So thanks but no thanks.”

And in a lame twist to introduce a new character, Russell Crowe comes into the picture as Dr. Jekyll.  He is there to capture and study the mummy.  Which made me go, “Oh I see, we’re not in England to get a dagger, we’re in England to sell future movie tickets.”

russell crowe from the mummy. He is wearing a grey suit and has his head slightly cocked to the side. Written meme: I only looked concerned because you just set up my movie to have an audience of two people. Me and My Mom. thanks a lot dick

Next the Mummy gets captured and then escapes.  Then the mummy kills Annabelle the bombshell to trap good old Tommy.  That’s when Cruise is left with a choice to destroy the dagger and die or become a living god to save the blonde hottie.  Of coarse he chooses god because, why the eff wouldn’t you.  He then sucks the life out of the mummy, saves his girl and turns into half monster/half creepy dude who prefers to hang out in dark corners.

gas guage for comicpopcorn. Gray with white numbers and a red needle. the red needle is pointing to 1/4 full. Written next to the gas guage is how full the theater was on opening day
More Funny Reviews at comicpopcorn.com.

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In Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation Tom Cruise Takes On The Whole World Of Terrorism

Mission Impossible Rogue Nation shows us it really hurts to be a spy.  Being a spy is like stepping into the ring with Ronda Rousey. You may get in, but you’re leaving with a vacation in the ER.

Regardless of the danger, Tom Cruise is back to take on another mission.  But he quickly learns when you blow up the Kremlin they take your job.  This is bad news for Cruise, but good news for a terrorist organization called the syndicate.  And the syndicate celebrates by blowing a bunch of stuff up.

psy_blow_up_stuff_in_style

Cruise does not like this so he decides to take the syndicate out.  He calls up his old buddy Simon Pegg and says, “How about working for free?”  But as they start to investigate Cruise falls for a hot spy named Rebecca Ferguson.  Sometimes she helps and sometimes she doesn’t which make you wonder is she a double agent or just a bitch.

This cat and mouse game goes to Morocco where Cruise has to free dive for three minutes to help steal a flash drive.  This scene makes you go, “I never thought I’d see someone drown in the middle of the desert.” But of coarse Ferguson steals the drive from Cruise and he has to chase her down on a motorcycle.  But Ferguson makes Cruise wreck and gives him a look like, you need to learn how to ride a bike.

tom_cruise_big_wheel_mission_impossible

For the final battle everyone ends up in jolly old England.  The head of the syndicate wants the drive to get access to money.  But Cruise throws him for a loop and says, “I memorized all of the account numbers.  How you like me now.  That’s how we do it in the good ole USA.”

The Straight Dope: This movie is action packed.  It’s got planes, bikes and diving.  And a hot British chick that makes you go, “Maybe England is that stuffy after all.”

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