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In Captain America: Civil War We Learn If Superheroes Show Up To Your Town, You Probably Want To Move

In Captain America: Civil War Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr. fight over signing a piece of paper.  Robert Downey Jr. goes, “This paper gives the UN power to put our team in check.  And I’d appreciate it if you’d sign and not be a little bitch”  And Evans is like, “Forget the paper Ironboy, what you need to check is your mouth.”

From the beginning 0f the movie the team is told by the government, “Thanks for the help but stop acting like a Hulk in a china shop.  To stop one bad guy you don’t need to destroy a whole frickin city.”

So the team gets divided on who’s going to sign the paper.  And of coarse Captain America refuses to sign like a toddler who doesn’t get ice cream.  But maybe he’s right because at the UN signing party it looks like Bucky the Winter Soldier presents them with a gift of a bomb.

That’s when Chadwick Boseman, Scarlett Johansson and Evans go after Bucky.  This is the first time we see Boseman in the Black Panther costume which looks cool until you realize that’s a dude with fingernails jumping around in leather.

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This chase goes on and on until Bucky tries to escape in a helicopter.  But fortunately Evans is there to grab the helicopter, then curl it back down to the helipad and give the camera a look like, “Welcome to the gun show.”

So now Bucky is caught.  But he escapes really quickly when the resident weirdo of the movie Daniel Bruhl activates him with what sounds like Russian for Dummies. Once Bucky is loose, the teams really split up.  Robert Downey Jr. drafts Spiderman.  And Evans picks up Ant Man who is like the drunk uncle of superheroes.

Next, there is a big fight between team Captain America and team Iron Man.  A break out star of the fight is Spiderman who loves to use his web and make comments like, “Hey Cap what’s with the shield, that thing doesn’t obey any law of physics.”

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And the other star is Ant Man who gets to go from tiny to giant size while giving everyone some serious smack talk.

In the end we find out that this whole civil war was set up by Daniel Bruhl so he could see the Avengers destroy each other in a brand new city.  It kind of works because at the end of the movie Robert Downey Jr. gets a letter from Evans going, “So we’re not on good terms, but if you need me and my team just give us a call.  And by the way, you can also give me a call if you want to let me know I was right.”

The Straight Dope.  By far the best comedy comes from Robert Downey Jr., Spiderman (Tom Holland) and Ant Man (Paul Rudd).   But it’s important to realize with all that comedy comes a massive amount of destruction which gives everyone a property value of zero.

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The Age of Ultron Is All About Explosions

The Age of Ultron is a movie about a robot who’s really pissed off.  I mean if you’re going to be built by Robert Downey Jr. then you probably expect something more from a star of Weird Science.  Maybe something like a nice rack.

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When you watch this movie if you are looking for a plot then just realize this is not the Age of Adeline.  I mean the biggest plot decision in this movie is where do we put the next explosion.  Before or after someone says one line.

But even in this movie I still feel for Hawkeye.  The producer is like, “Ruffalo you get to be massive and green.  Johansson you get to have the strength of 27 ninjas.  Renner why don’t you go over there and pick up that bow.  I want to see if you can stop a whole robot army.’

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That’s pretty much how the whole movie goes.  Ultron tries to take out the Avengers and then they destroy a whole city block.

This goes back an forth until Ultron finally decides he’s really sick of losing.  So he creates his own version of the meteor that killed the dinosaurs.  He does this buy airlifting a whole town off of the ground.  Yeah that’s pretty much the stupidest way to do it.  So it’s no big shocker when Ultron finally bites the dust.

The Straight dope:  It’s fun to watch this movie.  And when they bring in a new character you don’t really care about,  just wait two seconds and they’ll wipe your mind clean with a nice explosion.

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