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La La Land Is A Fresh Take On A Love Story With A Boy, A Girl, And A Whole Bunch Of Random Singing And Dancing

ADD review:  In La La Land boy meets girl, girl gets mad at boy, so then boy makes girl into a snooty Hollywood actress.  And while all of this is going on be prepared to see a whole bunch of singing and dancing coming straight out of nowhere.

comic popcorn movie bar with the words doesn't blow. There is a smiley face with a side grin. Under the smiley face are the words interesting throughout. Next to this is a bar graph with the words audience laughs. The bar is rated meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The rating is in yellow at meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

La La Land starts out with Emma Stone ogling Ryan Gosling like he’s ten times hotter than the sun.  But when she tries to talk to him, Gosling doesn’t say a word because he just got fired by the Farmer’s insurance guy.    

Months later Stone runs into Gosling at a pool party where he is in a band playing the most embarrassing instrument in the world – the keytar.  

STONE

Hey piano man I’m going to get you back by requesting all of the stupid songs of the 80’s.

GOSLING

Well then I’m going to pretend to hate you until it’s time to spontaneously break out in song and dance.

ryan gosling from the movie la la land. he is in a white t-shirt with a red 1980's jacket. He is playing a red keytar at a house party. Written meme You know how I know I'm hot? You still want me even though I'm rockin a keytar

Moments later they look out onto the beautiful LA skyline and go “It’s time to get our Fred and Ginger on.  Let’s sing about how much the view sucks.”

GOSLING (singing and dancing)

I’m still pretending to hate you and this view that reminds me of emoji poo.

STONE (singing and dancing)

On that one thing we agree so now it’s time for me to get in my bougie prius and leave.

The problem is they don’t make a plan to meet up.  So months later Gosling just randomly shows up at the coffee shop where Stone works.  

GOSLING

I didn’t mean to be a creeper but you’re like the only chick in LA without a phone.

STONE

Fortunately, I forgive you because you’re so damn hot.  Now why don’t you meet me for my break so I can tell you my whole life story in ten minutes.

Next they plan a date to watch Rebel Without A Cause.  But when Stone arrives late to the movie she figures the best way to find Gosling is by standing right in front of the screen.

GOSLING

Girl, get over here before the audience breaks out the rotten tomatoes.

As they watch the movie their hands touch and then they both move in for the kiss.  But that’s when the film burns through, the lights turn on and they both get turned off.

GOSLING

Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever been cock blocked by Mr. James Dean.

STONE

Don’t worry, we can continue our date by breaking into Griffith Park Observatory and commit a super romantic felony.

ryan gosling and emma stone from the movie la la land. They are in Griffith Park Observatory in the star room theater. They are looking up at the ceiling. Gosling is in a tan suit with a 1940's tie. Emma Stone is in a green dress. The are looking off in wonderment. Written meme I really hope we can complete our couples dance scene before we get totally busted by the cops

After this, they have a full on relationship movie montage.  And it’s all romance and flowers until the montage ends and the couples check engine light comes on.

STONE

Ever since you took that job touring with a band you’ve sort of become a pretentious LA douche.

GOSLING

So does that mean you’re not going on tour with me or you just don’t like cash?

Now while Gosling is being successful in a band, Stone puts on a one woman show that plays to an audience of almost no one.  Since her acting career and relationship are both in a tailspin, Stone goes back home to the bustling metropolis of Boulder City.  Then days later Gosling just shows up.

GOSLING

I know you hate me, but I’m here to pick you up for a casting call for a movie that has like a one percent chance of hiring you.  But I think you’re going to get the part because that’s what’s going to cinch us the Oscar win.

Stone gets the part.  Then she moves to Paris and becomes a famous actress.  Meanwhile Gosling stays in LA and opens up his own jazz club.  Then one night five years later Stone’s idiot husband takes her to Gosling’s club for the most awkward moment ever.

HUSBAND

Babe you okay?

STONE

Not really.  You see that super hot guy playing the piano?  I just imagined how complete my life would have been if I made the right choice and married him.  Not that I don’t love you, but you’re like the husband equivalent of a second place ribbon.

The End

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The Nice Guys Is A 1970’s Buddy Detective Movie With A Nice Sprinkling Of Protest and Porn

The nice guys movie poster with russell crowe and ryan gosling. Yellow background with the nice guys written in big white font. russel crowe is standing with his arms folded in front of him in a blue jacket and sun glasses. Ryan gosling has a mustache with his hand on his chin. Gosling has his tie undone, has a broken arm on the left and a gun in a holster

In the Nice Guys, Russell Crowe plays a hitman for hire and Ryan Gosling plays a private dick.  Crowe and Gosling are in LA in the seventies so expect to see people who look like they just came off of a set of a Ron Jeremy porno.  There’s polyester, a little too much hair and not enough plot.

In the beginning Gosling is paid to find a girl named Amelia.  And Crowe is paid to tell Gosling, “This is not the chick you’re looking for.  And just so you get the point, now you get a broken arm.”

So Crowe thinks the job is over until he comes home to find two dudes who ask him about Amelia using only their fists.  The beating continues on until one idiot guy opens a bag in Crowe’s apartment and gets a blue paint money shot right to the face.  This is when Crow is like, “Say hello to my gun you stupid blue smurf.”

After this, Crowe is now annoyed.  So he tracks down Gosling in a bathroom right as Gosling is trying to drop a bomb.  It’s pure comedy because Gosling then draws his gun and has to keep on kicking the stall door open while his pants are down by his ankles.

ryan gosling from the nice guys sitting in a bathroom stall in a bowling alley bathroom. The stall is orange. Ryan gosling is sitting on the toilet holding a gun. He has his pants at his ankles. His left arm is broken. He is smoking a cigarette. Written meme ladies this is what happened to the dreamboat from the notebook

Eventually Gosling is persuaded to help Crowe because he really likes cash.  Next the guys go to Amelia’s protest group, which leads them to her boyfriends house and eventually to a party at a porn guys mansion.  Which is extremely seventies.

At this party Crowe interrogates people, Gosling gets drunk, and Gosling’s 13 year old daughter Angourie Rice finds Amelia proving she’s the best detective of the bunch.  But once Angourie finds Amelia, Crowe runs into the blue face bad guy.  Then Crowe is like, “Now I’m just going to kill you dead.”

So the guys find out everybody’s after Amelia because she’s made a protest movie about how Detroit is lying about car smog emissions.  And she decided to make this protest movie using a porno format.  Furthermore the head of the department of justice is trying to kill her and this person just happens to be her mother Kim Basinger.

Russell crowe and ryan gosling from the nice guys movie. Russell crowe is standing in a blue pleather jacket with his hands in his pocket. Ryan gosling is in a blue suit with an undone yellow tie. Gosling has a piece of paper in his hand. They are both in a room with leopard wall paper. Written meme so you're telling us your mom wants you dead, and her name is Kim Basinger? WTF.

So now the goal is to get that porno protest film.  As the guys go after the film, Amelia gets killed by Matt Bomer.  Then there is a big showdown at the LA auto show where Crowe beats up a whole bunch of people.   Meanwhile, Gosling gets drunk and barely recues the film from fire and oncoming traffic.

The Straight Dope:  This is a slow burning detective movie.  Gosling is great as the guy who thinks he has it all figured out, but in reality is stumbling through life like a drunk Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

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