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The Mummy Takes Us On A Journey Of Curses, Killing And Two Hours Of Boredom/Confusion

The mummy movie poster with tom cruise standing in front of the face of the mummy

ADD REVIEW:  So I saw the new Mummy movie.  And to save you some time, this movie is pretty much is good as a load of wet smelly diapers.  Because it just seems like the director said, “I have an idea, let’s reboot the Mummy with Superhero Scientologist Tom Cruise.  Then we have an excuse to throw in a whole bunch of random action scenes against crusty dead people.”  And that is why about thirty minutes into this movie I felt like I was the one who was cursed.

sofia boutella from the mummy movie. She is in chains screaming. She has letters in makeup on her face. Written meme: maybe my scream of pain will take your mind off losing two hours to see the mediocre mummy movie

image that says blows with a yellow smiley face. smiley face as a shocked look. There is a bar graph with the label audience laughs. The ranges are meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The meter is set on Meh

THE LOW DOWN:

Tom Cruise and his friend Jake Johnson are a couple of grave robbers who accidentally open up a secret tomb of the baddest mummy chick who ever lived.  While they’re in the tomb, Tom Cruise gets the bright idea to fire his gun at some ropes and release the mummy.  Which instantly made me go, “You’re an idiot and that makes absolutely no movie sense.  Tommy, it’s a bad idea to wake up the witch who’s gonna destroy world.”  

Anyway, next they hop on a plane to transport their new found mummy booty.   Unfortunately the plane is taken down by killer crows over England.  But when the plane crashes, Tom Cruise survives because he has been cursed by the moldy mummy.  But not only does he survive, he wakes up in a body bag with absolutely no scratch at all looking buff as hell.  Which made me say, “Maybe that mummy curse isn’t bad after all.”

But soon Tom learns that the mummy wants to stab with him with a magic dagger to make him into a god with power over life and death.  And upon hearing this he’s like,  “Sounds nice, but I’m kind of falling for my blonde co-costar Annabelle Wallis.  So thanks but no thanks.”

And in a lame twist to introduce a new character, Russell Crowe comes into the picture as Dr. Jekyll.  He is there to capture and study the mummy.  Which made me go, “Oh I see, we’re not in England to get a dagger, we’re in England to sell future movie tickets.”

russell crowe from the mummy. He is wearing a grey suit and has his head slightly cocked to the side. Written meme: I only looked concerned because you just set up my movie to have an audience of two people. Me and My Mom. thanks a lot dick

Next the Mummy gets captured and then escapes.  Then the mummy kills Annabelle the bombshell to trap good old Tommy.  That’s when Cruise is left with a choice to destroy the dagger and die or become a living god to save the blonde hottie.  Of coarse he chooses god because, why the eff wouldn’t you.  He then sucks the life out of the mummy, saves his girl and turns into half monster/half creepy dude who prefers to hang out in dark corners.

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The Nice Guys Is A 1970’s Buddy Detective Movie With A Nice Sprinkling Of Protest and Porn

The nice guys movie poster with russell crowe and ryan gosling. Yellow background with the nice guys written in big white font. russel crowe is standing with his arms folded in front of him in a blue jacket and sun glasses. Ryan gosling has a mustache with his hand on his chin. Gosling has his tie undone, has a broken arm on the left and a gun in a holster

In the Nice Guys, Russell Crowe plays a hitman for hire and Ryan Gosling plays a private dick.  Crowe and Gosling are in LA in the seventies so expect to see people who look like they just came off of a set of a Ron Jeremy porno.  There’s polyester, a little too much hair and not enough plot.

In the beginning Gosling is paid to find a girl named Amelia.  And Crowe is paid to tell Gosling, “This is not the chick you’re looking for.  And just so you get the point, now you get a broken arm.”

So Crowe thinks the job is over until he comes home to find two dudes who ask him about Amelia using only their fists.  The beating continues on until one idiot guy opens a bag in Crowe’s apartment and gets a blue paint money shot right to the face.  This is when Crow is like, “Say hello to my gun you stupid blue smurf.”

After this, Crowe is now annoyed.  So he tracks down Gosling in a bathroom right as Gosling is trying to drop a bomb.  It’s pure comedy because Gosling then draws his gun and has to keep on kicking the stall door open while his pants are down by his ankles.

ryan gosling from the nice guys sitting in a bathroom stall in a bowling alley bathroom. The stall is orange. Ryan gosling is sitting on the toilet holding a gun. He has his pants at his ankles. His left arm is broken. He is smoking a cigarette. Written meme ladies this is what happened to the dreamboat from the notebook

Eventually Gosling is persuaded to help Crowe because he really likes cash.  Next the guys go to Amelia’s protest group, which leads them to her boyfriends house and eventually to a party at a porn guys mansion.  Which is extremely seventies.

At this party Crowe interrogates people, Gosling gets drunk, and Gosling’s 13 year old daughter Angourie Rice finds Amelia proving she’s the best detective of the bunch.  But once Angourie finds Amelia, Crowe runs into the blue face bad guy.  Then Crowe is like, “Now I’m just going to kill you dead.”

So the guys find out everybody’s after Amelia because she’s made a protest movie about how Detroit is lying about car smog emissions.  And she decided to make this protest movie using a porno format.  Furthermore the head of the department of justice is trying to kill her and this person just happens to be her mother Kim Basinger.

Russell crowe and ryan gosling from the nice guys movie. Russell crowe is standing in a blue pleather jacket with his hands in his pocket. Ryan gosling is in a blue suit with an undone yellow tie. Gosling has a piece of paper in his hand. They are both in a room with leopard wall paper. Written meme so you're telling us your mom wants you dead, and her name is Kim Basinger? WTF.

So now the goal is to get that porno protest film.  As the guys go after the film, Amelia gets killed by Matt Bomer.  Then there is a big showdown at the LA auto show where Crowe beats up a whole bunch of people.   Meanwhile, Gosling gets drunk and barely recues the film from fire and oncoming traffic.

The Straight Dope:  This is a slow burning detective movie.  Gosling is great as the guy who thinks he has it all figured out, but in reality is stumbling through life like a drunk Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

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