The Visit shows us it’s scary getting old. Because when you get old there is a chance of being completely off your rocker.
But the movie starts out innocent enough with two kids who want to meet their grandparents for the first time. The kids mom Kathryn Hahn says, “I haven’t seen or talked to them in fifteen years, but I think it’s safe to blindly send you there for a week. Just shoot them an email, and you guys can go to their creepy farmhouse in Pennsylvania. And I’ll try to enjoy myself on a cruise with my boyfriend.”
So the kids get picked up by the grandparents and instantly they notice something’s off. Pop Pop likes to collect his dirty diapers in shed and Nana likes to scratch the walls naked. The kids tell their mom but Hahn is like, “Kids, they’re just old. And you know, all this talking is taking me away from getting another drink. Suck it up and enjoy yourself.”
But things keep on getting weird to the point that Nana comes to the kids bedroom door at night with a knife. Then the kids call their mom and say, “Yeah, come here before we end up dead.” And Hahn goes, “OMG. Those aren’t your grandparents. You’ve just experienced an M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong twist.”
But that’s when the crazy hits the fan. The little boy Ed Oxenbould gets a Pop Pop dirty diaper to his face. Then his sister finds out their actual grandparents were murdered by these two crazies. Pretty much making this the worse Airbnb ever.
The Straight Dope: M. Night Shyamalan finally redeems himself by letting us know we don’t need to be afraid of spending fifteen dollars for one of his movies.
Transporter Refueled gives us another reason to avoid British guys in a suit. Because the moment they put on that suit, jump in that European car, you know there goes half of Paris.
But for this latest movie they call it refueled because they try to trick us with a different British bloke. Thinking we’re not going to notice they just refueled the movie with Statham lite.
Making the movie feel less like a well-tuned Audi and more like a grandma driving a Prius.
In the new movie the transporter Ed Skrein is forced to help a group of hot female assassins take out their former pimp. He has to do the job because, they show him a video of his father being held hostage by a beautiful girl. And Skrein’s like, “I’ll do anything as long as you don’t show my father having sex. That’s just gross.”
So Skrein and the girls proceed to destroy the pimp’s organization. And every step of the way they find a reason to drive an Audi in completely ridiculous places. Like jumping an Audi into the airplane passenger boarding bridge. Yeah this is the same people bridge where you can barely fit carry-on luggage.
But as things progress the pimp gets mad which leads to a shoot out like the movie Scarface. Although in the Transporter’s case, you really don’t care if anyone kicks the bucket.
The Straight Dope: Even without Statham, if you give me some action and a British accent I will pretty much see any thing even if it is called The Janitor: Urinal Cakes Reloaded.
We Are Your Friends shows us how Zac Efron becomes a celebrity DJ with the street cred of Paris Hilton.
And he thinks all he needs is a killer track and a body like a greek god. But as he quickly learns it’s hard to break into the industry. Especially when he likes to do things like hang out with his friends in an empty pool. Which can be interpreted as Zac and his friends are stuck in a rut or they just can’t afford a skateboard.
Fortunately Zac has a job at a club DJ’ing for drinks. And one magical night Wes Bentley the celebrity DJ comes in and says, “Wow, you kinda suck. You really need my help. I’ll show you everything I know, so you can become rich and famous and then bitter and old.” And Zac is like, “Thanks, by the way you do know that beard makes you look like DJ Wolverine?”
But as Zac gets more EDM training, he starts to fall for Bentley’s girlfriend. This time he figures, “I’ll win her over with whole DJ thing because using my good looks is too unfair.”
But after he finally gets with her, Bentley figures it out. And then to top it off Zac’s friend Squirrel dies at a party. This is when Zac is like, “The only way to fix this is to become the Beethoven of beats.” So he puts a beat to humming wires, wind chimes and a conversation with his buddy Squirrel. At first it sounds good then after a couple of minutes it sounds like it was made by DJ Blue Man Group.
The Straight Dope: This movie pushes all of us to question if we are really chasing our dreams. And fortunately it wraps this after school message in a bunch EDM beats.
In American Ultra Jesse Eisenberg’s big accomplishment in life is getting a job at the cash and carry.
But one night everything changes when he gets activated as a sleeper agent. And instantly he’s like, “Is this real, or just a bad high?” But he finds out how real it is when two assassins mess with his car and he kills them with a spoon. That’s right. His method of elimination is open the drawer, pull out the spoon and kill the humans. Hey GI Jesse, that’s some seriously messed up training.
But Eisenberg is so freaked out about what he’s done he asks his girlfriend Kristen Stewart, “Am I just a killing robot?” And she’s like, “No, but I’m pretty sure you own Facebook. So now that you know, let’s ditch this small town.”
But the two of them have no time to reflect before they get taken off to jail. Then the jail gets attacked and its up to Eisenberg to give more bad guys a dirt nap. After he kills them, KStew thinks it’s a good time to tell him she’s was hired to be his handler. And that’s when most of the stoners in the audience went, “Whoa!”
Not long after this revelation, Kstew gets captured. So, Eisenberg taps into his inner badass and attacks all the bad guys with dust pans, cans of tomatoes, and frozen hamburgers. And all of the bad guys are like, “Why can’t you just fight normal.”
The Straight Dope: Eisenberg is the perfect antihero. He’s part stoner and part opportunist killer. If he was a superhero his name probably would be convenience store man.
So Schwarzenegger is in the new Terminator Genisys. I don’t know what’s stronger, a terminator or Arnold’s career. Because every time you count that dude out he’s like, “I’m back bitches.” Yeah, we know. You’ll be back, and back, and back. I wouldn’t be surprised if he writes “I’ll be back” on his tombstone.
But at least we get another terminator movie. The only problem is this movie comes with a whole new raft of problems. For instance, Kyle Resse goes back in time to save Sara Conner but quickly learns she’s had her own terminator since age nine. An instantly Kyle is like, “Wow you’re a baller.”
Sara goes, “Hey we’re in an alternate 1984 which happens to be the same plot as Back to the Future 2. I don’t have time to explain, just go rent the movie.”
But now that they’re in a new timeline, Sara and Kyle need to travel to 2017 to stop judgement day. I guess the writers thought keeping judgement day at 1997 would mean we’re actually all dead.
But the crazy part is when they get to 2017, Sara and Reese discover Skynet has made John Connor into the ultimate terminator. John’s job is to make sure Skynet goes live and also to cover up any random plot holes.
In the end Sara, Resse and Arnold stop John Connor and Skynet. My only problem with this is Skynet is a connected operating system. And all it takes to get it up and running again is to get a programmer and give him a steady supply of Funyuns and Diet Coke.
The Straight Dope: The only way to see this movie is to ignore what they say about time and just sit back and enjoy the things that go boom.
So they finally made a new Mad Max movie. Great just enough time passed that we all forgot what it was about. I mean the last time this series was hot people were lining up to get a Walkman.
But in the new movie it looks like they stuck with the whole post-apocalyptic theme. I guess the director said, “Earth is still here. Why don’t we make another movie.” But the real stars of the movie are the cars. They’ve got spikes, guitar players, and enough explosives to blow up a city block. And they make the rides super pimp in a completely dangerous way. All I can think of is it’s nice to see Xzibit still get work.
In the movie there’s an evil warlord who controls all the women and water. Charlize Theron does not like this so she says, “I’ll take those women. Don’t get too attached.” Of coarse the warlord gets mad and goes after Charlize and Mad Max in a car chase that lasts half of the movie. Eventually they stop but then Mad Max is like, “This desert sucks. Let’s go back where we came from.” Nice, you just wasted a an hour of my life. When Charlize and Mad Max make it back to the warlord’s city they release the water to the people. I’m sure everyone appreciates this, but there must be someone going, “Don’t you have a Coke? Or at least some Kool Aid?”
The Straight Dope: What’s great about this movie is they keep the dialog to a minimum. It’s all about crazies and the cars. I imagine the director looked at the script and went, “What’s up with all these words. I think what we’re really going for is a movie that goes boom.”
Hot Pursuit is a movie about a straight laced cop and a high maintenance idiot. Reese Witherspoon plays the cop. And Sofia Vergara plays a role that sends the equality of women back fifty years. Way to lean in Parenthood.
As you can imagine, Sofia Vergara doesn’t transform that much for this role. She’s a sexy vixen. Whereas Reese Witherspoon takes on sex appeal of a meter maid. I can just imagine Reese saying, “Ma’am we’re undercover. I need you to dial down the hotness. You don’t always have to turn it up to 11.”
In this movie Reese needs to get Sofia to Dallas to testify against a cartel boss. Sofia does not want to do this because people who mess with the cartel tend to die. And Sofia looks like she’s not yet ready to hear, “Say hello to my little friend.” At least not in that context.
A lot of drama happens when a couple of dirty cops turn on Reese and Sofia. So now they have to do some pretty ridiculous things to get to Dallas. The girls steal a truck, take over a tour bus, and for some reason put on a deer costume to pass a police check point. Yeah, none of this sounds very normal to me. Apparently in movie land the only way to avoid the police is to choose the most moronic transportation possible.
But eventually when they get to Dallas Sofia reveals she wants to kill the cartel boss because he killed her brother. And that she is actually smart and has planned the whole thing. Yeah, that makes absolutely no sense.
The Straight Dope: The idea of Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara teaming up is a good idea. It just so happens this movie wasn’t. You may want to stay home for this one.
The Age of Ultron is a movie about a robot who’s really pissed off. I mean if you’re going to be built by Robert Downey Jr. then you probably expect something more from a star of Weird Science. Maybe something like a nice rack.
When you watch this movie if you are looking for a plot then just realize this is not the Age of Adeline. I mean the biggest plot decision in this movie is where do we put the next explosion. Before or after someone says one line.
But even in this movie I still feel for Hawkeye. The producer is like, “Ruffalo you get to be massive and green. Johansson you get to have the strength of 27 ninjas. Renner why don’t you go over there and pick up that bow. I want to see if you can stop a whole robot army.’
That’s pretty much how the whole movie goes. Ultron tries to take out the Avengers and then they destroy a whole city block.
This goes back an forth until Ultron finally decides he’s really sick of losing. So he creates his own version of the meteor that killed the dinosaurs. He does this buy airlifting a whole town off of the ground. Yeah that’s pretty much the stupidest way to do it. So it’s no big shocker when Ultron finally bites the dust.
The Straight dope: It’s fun to watch this movie. And when they bring in a new character you don’t really care about, just wait two seconds and they’ll wipe your mind clean with a nice explosion.
The Age of Adaline movie is about how Blake Lively stops aging at 29 years old. Sounds cool until you realize this is one more reason to hate her. Just ask your girlfriend and she’ll probably say, “I’m not watching that movie where the bitch doesn’t age.”
Blake Lively becomes ageless when a mixture of cold water and lightening makes her cells frozen in time. Once this change happens you instantly wonder where is Professor X. Because if her story is true then she’s one hot mutant. And somebody needs to update history because Ponce De Leon was way off. Apparently the fountain of youth is closer to Martinez California.
The big drama happens when Blake Lively runs into her old flame Harrison Ford. He’s instantly attracted to her. And she’s instantly not. Because there’s nothing sexy about arthritis.
But that’s not all, we get to learn Harrison Ford is her boyfriends dad. Yeah there’s really no way to sugar coat that conversation. She gets to tell the boyfriend, “I was with your dad. And by the way I’m 107.” That is like the worst secret ever.
The straight dope: This movie explores the problems of living forever. But the problem is it takes two hours to do it. Hollywood, some of us don’t have the luxury of being 29 forever.
Unfriended is a movie about a ghost who attacks you from the computer. How deviant do you have to be to get that virus. At that point even Norton Antivirus is like, “You’re on your own idiot.”
But the funny thing is when I looked up Unfriended trailer on Google one of the suggestions was, “Is Unfriended based on a true story.” And at that point I wondered is Google search based on complete morons.
But the movie starts out with five teens on a chat window. And it pretty much stays there. Because every time one of them tries to leave the chat the ghost is like, “You can’t do that because we have no budget.”
As you can imagine with five people on a chat window at a time even a giant movie screen looks like somebody threw up pop up windows. At one point I was rooting for the ghost just so that the movie would be a little less ADD.
Throughout the movie when someone does something the ghost does not like they die. Not a satisfying horror movie death, more like a low budget ketchup in your face death.
The straight dope: The only way you are going to find this movie scary is if you really hate a cluttered computer screen.