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Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates Is The Summer Dude/Bro Comedy For Morons

Anna Kendrick, Zac Efron, Adam DeVine and Aubrey Plaza in the poster for mike and dave need wedding dates. All four of them are laying on the grass. Anna Kendrick is in a pink dress holding red lip stick, Zac Efron is asleep with his shirt open. There is a drawing of a tuxedo, mustache, monocle, watch and dragon on his chest in red lip stick, Adam devine is asleep with a bikini top, rabbit, flower and mustache draw on him in red lipstick. Aubrey Plaza is looking directly at the camera in a pink dress holding red lipstick

In Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Adam DeVine and Zac Efron act like complete buffoons.  They play two brothers who have the talent of looking nothing like each other and completely ruining every event.

In this movie DeVine and Efron need dates for their sister’s wedding.  So to find some quality girls they decide to make an ad on craigslist.  This gem of a strategy gets them giggly girls, lesbians and a dude in drag.

mike and dave need wedding dates with adam devine in a blue muscle shirt and Zac Efron in a muscle shirt. Adam Devine is talking and Zac Efron has his arm on Devine's shoulder. Written meme not gonna lie, I didn't expect that craigslist ad to give us a dude dressed up in drag

But things get really exciting when their ad goes viral and they get a guest spot on that well know dating show Wendy Williams.  That’s when Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza see the guys for the first time and go, “They’re going to take us to Hawaii and all we need to do is look respectable as f-ck.”

So the ladies get dressed up and then Plaza gets DeVine’s attention by intentionally getting hit by a car.  Then DeVine “saves her life” by giving her some super sketchy CPR.  Next they all go to a bar where Plaza and Kendrick straight up lie to hitch that ride to Hawaii.  But once the couples get to Hawaii, Plaza seductively whispers to DeVine, “You know what’s sexy, letting me and my girl stay in a room by ourselves.”

Later on things get even hotter when Plaza gets hit on by Alice Wetterlund who plays a lesbian casanova named cousin Terry. DeVine does not like Wetterlund hitting on his girl, but he realizes he can’t compete when Wetterlund is like, “I’m gonna get your girl cause you dress like the wall paper in a Long John Silvers bathroom.”

mike and dave need wedding dates with adam devine in a blue hawaiian shirt and hawaiian pants combo with anchors, trees and boats on the shirt and pants. He is walking confidently with aubrey plaza on his right arm. She is wearing a pink dress. Written meme this look screams an ohio player lands in Hawaii

Next, to spice things up, Kendrick convinces everyone to skip dolphin watching to go on an ATV tour.  During the tour Kendrick takes a jump and makes it.  Plaza takes the same jump and makes it with a crazy trick.  Then DeVine takes the same jump and lands the ATV right on his sister’s head.  This accident prompts Devine to say, “Wow, now you look like burn victim Barbie.”

Not a day later, DeVine and Efron mess up things even more.  At the rehearsal dinner, the guys don’t realize their mics are live and they have an argument about how the bride got a pre wedding massage that gave her prenuptial orgasm.  This has the effect of killing the whole wedding.  But fortunately the next day DeVine, Efron, Kendrick and Plaza realize, “You know maybe we’re just all self absorbed douchebags.”  So they do their best to make the wedding happen again.  And everything is going well until they blow up the wedding with a bunch of illegal Chinese fireworks.

ADD Movie Review:  This movie has some funny parts.  DeVine and Plaza have great comic timing but cousin Terry steals the show.  I mean, how can you not love a player lesbian who dresses like an extra in Miami Vice.

a gas guage like you would see on a car with a grey background and a red needle pointing to 1/4 full. written to the side of the gauge that says how full the theater was on opening day. Comic Popcorn guage

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The Steve Jobs Movie Shows Us Some Of The Best Stories About Jobs That Most Likely Never Happened

So they made another movie about Steve Jobs.  But this time they decided to make it not suck.  That’s right, they brought in heavyweight Michael Fassbender to play Steve.  Which makes you go, “That dude looks nothing like Jobs.”  But after five minutes you’re like, “Fassbender you must have an actor reality distortion field.  Because, now I totally buy it.”

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The focus of the movie is the drama backstage before the launch of the Mac, the NeXT computer, and the iMac.  And Sorkin pushes the tension of each launch right up to point just before Jobs has to kill people off one by one.

And as a special treat Steve gets to belittle his head of marketing played by Kate Winslet, Steve Wozniak played by Seth Rogen, and John Sculley played by Harry from Dumb and Dumber.

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But the one person who makes Steve change the most in the movie is his daughter.  We see Steve go from saying, “You’re not my daughter” to “I guess I kinda, sorta like you.”  Way to go father of the year.

But what is great about this movie is it tells us all of the backstory behind Jobs. The only problem is it’s all made up.  Even the real life Woz is like, “I never confronted Steve like that, but I did think about it a million times.”

The Straight Dope:  This movie is great.  It is all the drama we could hope for from a man who was larger than life.  But in reality the only drama probably was Steve saying, “If we have whole a computer company, why can’t we make the projector work?”

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Pan Is A Live Action Adventure With A Cartoon Premise

Pan gives us the backstory about why Peter is so annoying.  You know flying around and telling everyone they’re going to get old and die.  Guess what Peter, that’s a jackhole move.

But in Pan you can argue Peter earns his cockiness.  He grows up in an orphanage run by a nun who happens to like selling boys into slavery.  Who’s the jackhole now?

Eventually Peter gets sold off and is put to work for Hugh Jackman/BlackBeard the Pirate. Peter is forced to mine pixilatum because breathing the stuff makes Jackman look dead sexy.

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But unfortunately Peter is accused of stealing pixilatum and is forced to walk the plank.  But that’s when Peter flies and Jackman goes, “Great, if he’s the chosen one I’m going to be taken out by a little boy.”

So Jackman tries to stop Peter, but a young Captain Hook comes to his rescue.  At this point Peter and Hook are friends because Peter hasn’t gotten under Hook’s skin yet.

So, Peter and Hook escape to a native village.  But this village looks less native and more like the huts and clothes were attacked by neon colors from the 80’s.  Hey villagers, way to be stealthy.

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Of coarse Jackman finds this village of ridiculousness.  But once again Peter and Hook are able to escape.  But now the guys set out for the secret fairy hideout.  Once they make to the fairy hideout, Peter opens the door and Jackman jumps out and is like, “Thanks for doing that idiot.”

The Straight Dope: The fairies deliver a serious pirate smackdown once they learn Peter can fly.  But this makes you wonder if the fairies could defeat Jackman the whole time then they’re kinda stupid.  I mean why do they need a boy who can fly just to kick some pirate booty?

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The Martian Is The Worst Case Of Being Ditched Ever

The Martian is about what happens when people ignore the buddy system.  That’s right, a big dust storm hits a science crew on Mars and Matt Damon is the unlucky one who gets body slammed by debris.

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And Matt’s crew goes, “I liked Damon but now he’s kinda dead.  Let’s hop into our spaceship before we get hit by another wall of dirt.”

But once everyone is gone, Damon wakes up and is like, “I’m stuck on a cold desert with absolutely no food.  Great, this mission officially sucks.”

But Damon has a can do attitude and he starts growing potatoes.  Which is really exciting until he realizes even on Mars vegan food blows.  So, Damon’s next mission is to get the hell off of Mars.  So he starts driving the rover and communicating with NASA.  The only problem is the only thing he has to listen to is a hard drive full of disco.  As if being stranded on Mars wasn’t enough, he has to listen to Donna Summer sing, “I need some hot stuff, baby tonight.”

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Of coarse Damon encounters a lot of drama.  His potatoes get exposed to Mars atmosphere and die.  Then the supply ship NASA sends to him blows up.  This is when you realize, those people signing up for Mars One are kind of stupid.

But eventually NASA figures things out.  The crew that is heading back from Mars does a sling shot maneuver around the Earth and then just heads straight back for Mars.  Making this mission, the worst road trip ever.

In the end the best scene is when Damon is being rescued by the spaceship.  He is out in space and punctures his glove using the escaping oxygen to fly like iron man.  And that’s when you go, “Are you effin kidding me?  This is completely ridiculous, but also totally freaking rad.  Where do I sign up?”

The Straight Dope: This movie lets us know Mars is dangerous.  Sure we’ll get there one day, but you may want to hold off going until they’ve got a Motel 6.

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The Intern Shows Us What It’s Like To Be The Most Valuable Employee Over 70 With A Salary Of Zero

The Intern movie lets us know retirement blows.  That’s right.  When you’re old and don’t have to work, the highlight of your day is going to be just waking up.  Closely followed by a pumpkin spice latte.

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As you can imagine, this retirement thing doesn’t work for Robert De Niro. So he applies for an intern position at Anne Hathaways online clothing company.  And he gets it because he’s over 65 and is more qualified than a fortune 500 CEO.

But instantly we learn De Niro is really needed because Hathaway has the time management skills of a third grader.  For example, she tries to save time between meetings by riding a bike in the office.  Which makes you think not only does she suck at time management but she’s just really weird.

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Fortunately De Niro is assigned to become her personal assistant.  And even though Hathaway fights it at first, she learns De Niro is who she needs to drive her place to place, take care of her kid, give her marriage advice and basically run her company.  And the best part is he shows up for free.

The Straight Dope: It’s nice to finally see a woman CEO for a change.  But this movie makes you wonder why does she have to be saved by some old dude in a suit? Didn’t Hathaway learn anything from The Devil Wears Prada?

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Maze Runner Scorch Trials Is One Of The Best Zombie Desert Running Movies Of This Season

Maze Runner Scorch Trials makes you feel like you really should hit the gym.  Because while they’re doing all this running, the only thing you’re doing is stuffing your face with popcorn and soda.

But in the new movie the Gladers are taken to a fortified outpost.  Which basically means now they’re trapped in an even smaller maze.  Here WCKD corp makes the maze runners fat and lazy so they can steal their zombie immunity fluid. Yeah, apparently in this world zombie kryptonite is a teenager who can figure out a maze.

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But the Gladers are not down to become immunity fluid cows.  So they escape into The Scorch.  This is a stretch of desert with abandoned cities and the walking dead.  Sort of like modern day Bakersfield.

But because the Gladers are all teenagers the first place they stop is the mall.  The only problem is the Gladers run into undead shoppers who want to eat them.  And this is when you think, where’s Paul Blart when you need him?

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Fortunately the Gladers do make it out of the mall and then head toward sanctuary with a group called The Right Hand.  Apparently The Right Hand can keep you away from The Scorch and The Flare.  Which all just sounds like the worst STD ever.

But once the Gladers find The Right Hand, a girl Glader decides she’s going to call WCKD and betray them all.  And everyone in the group is like, “Would have liked to know this character flaw at the beginning of the movie?”

The Straight Dope: All this running leads to a big fight with WCKD and The Right Hand.  And that’s when Thomas says, “I’m done running.  I’m going to take down the whole organization.”  And that’s when his friends say, “Yeah, you  may be immune to zombies but bullets will kill you.”

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The Age of Ultron Is All About Explosions

The Age of Ultron is a movie about a robot who’s really pissed off.  I mean if you’re going to be built by Robert Downey Jr. then you probably expect something more from a star of Weird Science.  Maybe something like a nice rack.

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When you watch this movie if you are looking for a plot then just realize this is not the Age of Adeline.  I mean the biggest plot decision in this movie is where do we put the next explosion.  Before or after someone says one line.

But even in this movie I still feel for Hawkeye.  The producer is like, “Ruffalo you get to be massive and green.  Johansson you get to have the strength of 27 ninjas.  Renner why don’t you go over there and pick up that bow.  I want to see if you can stop a whole robot army.’

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That’s pretty much how the whole movie goes.  Ultron tries to take out the Avengers and then they destroy a whole city block.

This goes back an forth until Ultron finally decides he’s really sick of losing.  So he creates his own version of the meteor that killed the dinosaurs.  He does this buy airlifting a whole town off of the ground.  Yeah that’s pretty much the stupidest way to do it.  So it’s no big shocker when Ultron finally bites the dust.

The Straight dope:  It’s fun to watch this movie.  And when they bring in a new character you don’t really care about,  just wait two seconds and they’ll wipe your mind clean with a nice explosion.

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The Age of Adaline Movie Tells Us What It’s Like To Be 29 Forever

The Age of Adaline movie is about how Blake Lively stops aging at 29 years old.  Sounds cool until you realize this is one more reason to hate her.  Just ask your girlfriend and she’ll probably say, “I’m not watching that movie where the bitch doesn’t age.”

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Blake Lively becomes ageless when a mixture of cold water and lightening makes her cells frozen in time.  Once this change happens you instantly wonder where is Professor X.  Because if her story is true then she’s one hot mutant.  And somebody needs to update history because Ponce De Leon was way off.  Apparently the fountain of youth is closer to Martinez California.

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The big drama happens when Blake Lively runs into her old flame Harrison Ford. He’s instantly attracted to her.  And she’s instantly not.  Because there’s nothing sexy about arthritis.

But that’s not all, we get to learn Harrison Ford is her boyfriends dad.  Yeah there’s really no way to sugar coat that conversation.  She gets to tell the boyfriend, “I was with your dad.  And by the way I’m 107.”  That is like the worst secret ever.

The straight dope:  This movie explores the problems of living forever.  But the problem is it takes two hours to do it.  Hollywood, some of us don’t have the luxury of being 29 forever.

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The Longest Ride = The Longest Movie

The Longest Ride movie introduces us to the scary world of bull riding and relationships.  And Scott Eastwood quickly learns maybe it’s just safer to ride the bull.  I mean, there are several times in the movie where you swear he is saying, “She makes my brain hurt.”

But when the movie is not focused on couple issues, it seems like Eastwood spends most of the time trying to prove he’s a country boy.  He’s like, “I’m small town because I own a cowboy hat.  And if that doesn’t convince you then I will do my best blue steel as the Marlboro man.”

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To balance all this drama they introduce Alan Alda.  He’s had a full life, full relationship and basically tries to annoy us with every little detail.  Yeah thanks for the relationship advice Hawkeye from Mash.

You get half way into this movie and you’re like, “They could have done this in five minutes.”  But that’s when Britt Robertson tells Alda her relationship with Eastwood is not going well, so she says to Alda, “Tell me about your relationship.”  And Alda says, “Ok, prepare to be depressed.”  Great there’s another hour.

In the end there is a nice pay off.  Eastwood becomes the top bull rider, then he inherits Alda’s collection of expensive art and he gets the girl.  Something none all of us can relate to in the real world.

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