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Central Intelligence Is A Look Into What Will Happen To The Agency Under President Trump

Dwayne the rock johnson and kevin hart from the movie central intelligence. Kevin hart is facing the camera with a gun in his hand. Dwayn Johnson is back to back to kevin hart looking to the right. The background is yellow with the words written central intelligence

Central Intelligence is a buddy movie with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson playing a goofy CIA agent and Kevin Hart playing an accountant with the strength of a little girl.

The movie starts out with Johnson as a kid in high school with a body that is less like a rock and more like a bowl of Jello.  Fortunately when Johnson gets depantsed in front of the whole school, Hart is there to save him and go, “This is not cool it’s just gross.”

Then years go by and Hart becomes an accountant who’s like, “You know my life kind of blows.”  He needs a change, so he accepts a Facebook request from Johnson who now looks like a Greek god but still acts like a giddy thirteen year old boy.

dwayne the rock johnson and kevin hart from the move central intelligence. Johnson is in a yellow public enemy shirt holding a gun and turning his head toward kevin hart to speak. Kevin hart is in a blue sweater looking up scared listening. They are standing infront of a cinderblock wall. Written meme Just so you know I like to work out, shoot guns and wear fanny packs

Once Hart and Johnson hang out, at the end of the night Johnson is like, “That was fun.  By the way can you use your skills as an accountant to look up a super sketchy bank account online?  Oh yeah, and can I crash on your couch and wear your pajamas?”  Then Hart wakes up the next morning to a non voluntary breakfast with the CIA.

The agents tell Hart that Johnson is trying to sell codes to some bad guys so that they can control the US satellite system.  And Hart is like, “Are we talking about the same guy?  Because the one I know likes to work out and watch Pretty in Pink.”

But the agents convince Hart that Johnson is suspect, and they all go to his office.  That’s when Johnson shows up and tells Hart, “Now you’re working with me because that account you looked up happened to be way illegal.”  Next there is a big fire fight with all of the CIA agents.  Then Johnson puts Hart into a mail cart.  Then they bust through a window, fall several stories onto an inflatable ape and just steal some poor guys Uber.

Next Hart tries to ditch The Rock but Mr Johnson just keeps on showing up like a bad hemorrhoid.  Like when Hart tries to warn his wife about the danger he’s in at couples therapy only to find out The Rock is playing the counseling doctor.

Kevin Hart and Dwayne the Rock Johnson from the movie central intelligence. Johnson is in a sweater vest and tie sitting on the couch with Kevin Hart cradled in his hands. Johnson is looking like he is thinking about something. There are books in the background. Written meme hunh...this is like the most awkward wrestling hold ever

But eventually Hart turns Johnson into the CIA.  But then Hart realizes that maybe Johnson isn’t the bad guy after all and that leader of the CIA is after the codes.  Which makes you wonder, “Why are they making this comedy so complex?”

Fortunately everything comes to a head in the end when Johnson and his former partner Aaron Paul try to sell the codes to the same bad guy.  This is when there is a huge gun battle.  Then The Rock and Paul fight each other until Kevin Hart shoots Johnson in the ass.  This gives Paul an opportunity to explain in detail why he is the real bad thus giving The Rock ample time to recover and give Paul some of what he’s been cooking.

The ADD Movie Review:  The movie has some funny parts but it’s way confusing.  Fortunately most of the funny parts involve Johnson being a living hulk with the mind of a teenage boy.

Gas guage dark grey with light grey background. The needle is red pointing to the number 1/2. Written next the gas gauge is how full the theater was on opening day. Comic Popcorn Theater Gas Gauge

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Ride Along 2 Is The Best Way To Enjoy Ride Along 1 All Over Again

The Ride Along 2 is “The Force Awakens” of comedy.  You’ve seen the plot before, but you just don’t care.  Once again, Ice Cube plays the cop with the permanent WTF face.  And Kevin Hart plays the winey little biatch.  Now Hart’s role is believable.  But Cube playing a cop?  That just makes you go, “Didn’t he get famous for rapping ‘F*** The Police’?”

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The big change in The Ride Along 2 is, it’s set it in Miami.  And you know this because they show a whole bunch of water and boobies.

Cube and Hart go to Miami to capture a criminal computer hacker played by Ken Jeong.  The problem is when Jeong sees the guys he runs away like a little girl.  So Hart runs after him through backyards, jumps on a trampoline, and then ends up face first in a chicken coop.  And when Hart comes out of the coop Cube looks at him like, “Man you just got beat worse than Ronda Rousey.”

Eventually Hart and Cube capture Jeong.  But they lose him later in a night club.  Once this happens, Cube and Hart come outside of the club and see Cube’s car blow up like it’s in a bad Pitbull video.  That’s when officer Olivia Munn comes to the scene dressed up in her best bra top.  Yeah, the producers must have been like, “You’re a respected officer of the law, so show plenty of chest.”

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So of coarse Cube decides to work with Munn because now he respects her mind.  And once again the boys track down Jeong.  This time they learn Jeong worked for the bad guy Benjamin Bratt and stole a boatload of his cash.  So much cash that Bratt’s henchmen want Jeong to be really dead.  This leads to a car chase where Hart imagines he’s driving in Grand Theft Auto.  Points go up on the screen.  Cars turn into pixels.  And Cube turns into a computerized version of the same a-hole cop.

All of these chases lead to the final showdown with Bratt.  In the end Bratt dies and Hart saves Cube by taking two bullets to the chest.  The funny part is once Cube learns Hart has a bullet proof vest on, Cube uses him as a human shield.  Way to go brother in law.

The Straight Dope:  You’ve got to see this movie for the GTA, telephone and pizza scenes.  This is not an Oscar contender, but then again I don’t think they care.

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The Get Hard Movie Pushes Stereotypes with Wang Jokes

Get Hard is a movie about Will Ferrell going to prison for embezzlement.  And he’s about as hard as a wet marshmallow.  He’s not ready for a night in jail.  He’s not ready for a night in the Ramada.

Now the biggest hurdle to seeing this movie is saying, “One for Get Hard.”  Pretty much impossible to not make it sound like you’re some kind of pervert.

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But they do push the stereotypes.  So you find yourself laughing and then quickly looking around for validation it’s okay.  Some scenes push the envelope so much you may think, I’d be more comfortable if this movie was a porn.  Where’s the fast forward.

In this movie, Kevin Hart trains Ferrell to survive prison.  He must have looked at the script and been like, “So you’re telling me you’ll pay me a lot of money to hit Will Ferrell in the face with pepper spray.  Just curious, how much will you pay me to give him the chair.”

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Harts jail training consists of getting Ferrell ready to fight.  And then when that fails Hart tells Ferrell, “We jut need to make you good at handing a dude’s wang.”  Yeah this is when it’s really uncomfortable to be in a theater with thirty strangers.

But eventually Ferrell learns Hart has not been to prison.  And so there is a fallout between them that lasts all of five minutes.  Next thing you know both of them are working together going, “Hey, now that we wasted twenty nine days of training why don’t we figure out who framed you.  We have a whole twenty four hours left.”

It’s nice to see Hart in this role.  As for Will Ferrell he plays the super trusting white guy, basically reprising his role as buddy the elf, minus the cool green hat.

Straight dope:  Go see this movie if you like stereotypes and jokes about dude sausage.

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