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Arrival Is A Movie About Aliens Who Have Enough Technology To Make It To Earth But Still Have Trouble With Grade School English

Arrival starts out with Amy Adams remembering how her sweet little girl kicks the bucket.  That’s right, this movie comes straight out of the gate with the super fun topics of cancer and depression.

But fortunately after the initial downer scene, Adams goes to work as a language professor and learns aliens have illegally parked dildo shaped ships around the world.  Like everyone else on earth she takes the day off because she’s freaked out about big black things from outer space. 

amy adams from arrival movie. She is at work wearing a white and gray shirt. She has a surprised look on her face. She is in front of a whole bunch of computers. Written meme: Kind of freaked out about the alien landing, but I really like skipping out on a day of work

But after watching the news all night she decides to show up to work the next day like a complete moron.  Fortunately while she is at work colonel Forest Whitaker shows up and asks her to interpret what the aliens are saying from a super ghetto recording.  Not surprising she fails and he’s like, “Well that didn’t work.  So now you get to meet the aliens in person which means, you get an all expense paid trip to boring ass Montana.”

In Montana Adams meets the aliens and theoretical physicist/awkward boyfriend Jeremy Renner.  The two of them learn even though there are twelve ships spread around the world, nobody has a clue on how to communicate with these a-hole alien squatters.

amy adams from arrival movie. She is in an orange radiation suit with a microphone. She is looking off to the side with a quizzical look on her face. Written meme: So You're telling me you aliens can builds a space ship, but you still can't figure out how to use a bic pen

But at least every eighteen hours the aliens open their ship to try to talk to Adams, Renner and the military crew.  Adams uses marker on a white board to communicate with the aliens and the aliens answer back by using their tentacle to squirt a whole bunch of gross ink in the air.  The problem is the aliens communicate with circles and nonlinear time.  That’s right their language goes back in forth in time.  Which made me say, “Hey aliens, if you figured out time, how about spending just a second to learn a little effin English?”

But what we learn is the aliens are teaching Adams their future language so that the human race can help them in 3000 years.  Which is kind of cool but also kind of a selfish bastard thing to do.

Once Adams learns their language, we find out all of the flash backs she has been having in the movie are actually flash forwards.  And she uses her new skill to see the future to stop the Chinese from killing the aliens and also to prove once again the world can’t do anything without knowledge and power of the good ole’ USA.

ADD Review:  If you have ADD you won’t make it past the first five minutes of this movie.  This is because this movie is a thinker and a little bit of a depressor.

gas guage for comicpopcorn. Gray with white numbers and a red needle. the red needle is pointing to 1/4 full. Written next to the gas guage is how full the theater was on opening day
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The Age of Ultron Is All About Explosions

The Age of Ultron is a movie about a robot who’s really pissed off.  I mean if you’re going to be built by Robert Downey Jr. then you probably expect something more from a star of Weird Science.  Maybe something like a nice rack.

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When you watch this movie if you are looking for a plot then just realize this is not the Age of Adeline.  I mean the biggest plot decision in this movie is where do we put the next explosion.  Before or after someone says one line.

But even in this movie I still feel for Hawkeye.  The producer is like, “Ruffalo you get to be massive and green.  Johansson you get to have the strength of 27 ninjas.  Renner why don’t you go over there and pick up that bow.  I want to see if you can stop a whole robot army.’

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That’s pretty much how the whole movie goes.  Ultron tries to take out the Avengers and then they destroy a whole city block.

This goes back an forth until Ultron finally decides he’s really sick of losing.  So he creates his own version of the meteor that killed the dinosaurs.  He does this buy airlifting a whole town off of the ground.  Yeah that’s pretty much the stupidest way to do it.  So it’s no big shocker when Ultron finally bites the dust.

The Straight dope:  It’s fun to watch this movie.  And when they bring in a new character you don’t really care about,  just wait two seconds and they’ll wipe your mind clean with a nice explosion.

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