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Passengers Lets Us Know If You’re A Dude Stranded Alone In Space Your Best Option Is To “Accidentally” Wake Up The Hot A-List Actress

ADD review:  In Passengers a giant spaceship hits a huge rock which then opens the sleeping pod of Gaurdian of the Galaxy Chris Pratt.  Unfortunately he is woken up years before he’s supposed arrive at his destination.  That’s when he’s like, “Looks like it’s time to break open Jennifer Lawrence’s pod.  Then, all I need to do is not tell her I woke her up for the next 90 years.”

written on the left the words doesn't blow. There is a yellow smiley face with a engaged look on his face. Next to the smiley face are the words audience laughs: and next to that is a bar graph with the scale of meh, LOLHOTT (laugh out loud half of the time), and bust a gut. The graph has a little yellow coloring at the meh level

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

Passengers opens with a spaceship transporting people in stasis to a new planet just so they can pollute it.  Suddenly the ship hits a space rock bigger than Donald Trump’s ego.  Computer errors happen and then Chris Pratt is woken up 90 years too soon…

PRATT

Hey computer why are you such a dick.  I’ve got ninety years to go which means my new home is going to be a coffin.

COMPUTER

Sir, you can send a message to fix me but just realize the reply won’t come back for another 55 years.  So you can just suck it.

PRATT

Well in that case, I’m going to live like a king and have a patron party for one.

Months later:

ROBOT BARTENDER – MICHAEL SHEEN

I may be a robot but I’m pretty sure nobody wants to find your dead carcass in my bar.

PRATT

Come on dude, I’ve done everything on this ship and I’m really freakin’ board. The only other cool thing I could do is wake up that super hot chick named Jennifer Lawrence.

ROBOT BARTENDER – MICHAEL SHEEN

Do whatever you like.  My only request is to resolve this whole hippy pantsless issue.

More months later:

PRATT

Ok bartender, if a hot girl walks into the bar, please don’t tell her I’m the creepy dude who opened her pod.

Later on Pratt and Lawrence finally meet.

PRATT

No pressure or anything, but I’ve been alone for the past year so just tell me when it’s time to get down to business.

LAWRENCE

I just woke up. And Ewww.

PRATT

I get your hint.  Let’s go get drunk at a nice bar that plays a whole lot of Barry White.

More moths later Pratt and Lawrence finally fall in love.  But this all gets ruined when the bartender lets Lawrence know Pratt is the bastard who stalked her sleeping pod.

LAWRENCE

Hey God’s gifts to no one, just realize hell hath no fury like a woman who wakes you up by punching you in the face.

PRATT

Well that secret lasted all of one month.

jennifer lawrence and chris pratt from passengers. Jennifer lawrence is sitting at a table looking distant. She has a tray of food in front of her. Chris pratt is walking up cautiously. He is looking sideways at jennifer lawrence. They are in a futuristic cafeteria on a spaceship

Then the computer malfunctions and wakes up crew member Laurence Fishburne.

FISHBURNE

So we’ve established that Pratt is an A-hole.  But let’s put this aside because this ship is going to blow and we need to fix it with absolutely no technical training at all.

PRATT

Sounds great.  I’ll do a space walk and then manually hold open a door to vent the hot plasma.  And I’ll protect myself with this random hunk of metal.

In the end Pratt saves the ship.  Then Lawrence saves Pratt.  Then they just decide to live out the rest of their lives eating everyone else’s food.

Gas guage dark grey with light grey background. The needle is red pointing to the number 1/2. Written next the gas gauge is how full the theater was on opening day. Comic Popcorn Theater Gas Gauge

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Mockingjay Part 2 Is A Jam Packed Explosive Ride Of Depression

In Mockingjay Part 2 Jennifer Lawrence opens the movie with a jacked-up neck and the speaking ability of a mime.  That’s right. The only way she can communicate is to write a note or shoot someone with an arrow.  What genius said, “I think it’s a good idea for the girl on fire not to speak.  She doesn’t need an Oscar.”

But fortunately Lawrence gets her voice back.  And right away she tells Julianne Moore,  “I’m going to fight on the front lines like a baller.”  And Moore is like, “Great, now we have to figure out how to spin her death.”

mockingjay_2_julianne_moore_philip_seymour_hoffman

So Moore tries to compromise with Lawrence and tells her, “You can fight but you’ll be miles away from the action and you’ll have more media coverage than a Kardashian.  Oh and by the way we’re sending you with Gale the boyfriend you never loved and Peeta the boyfriend who is trying to kill you.  Good luck.”

So J.Law, J.Hutch, L.Hems and a special forces team head out to kill President Snow who is also know as D.Suth.

donald_sutherland_dsuth

But the problem is the whole city is booby trapped with guns, hot oil, and really aggressive green sewer guys.

But eventually the resistance captures Snow.  And Snow tells Lawrence, “Hey idiot, you’re being played by both sides.”  This is confirmed when Moore becomes president and institutes a new hunger games.  So of coarse Lawrence reacts really maturely and puts an arrow straight through Julianne Moore’s heart.  Hey Katniss, I don’t think that sensitivity training worked.

mockingjay_2_jennifer_lawrence_with_bow_and_arrow

The Straight Dope:  This movie shows the ugly side of war.  A bunch of people die and then everyone is left going, “Great, we have no water, food or internet.  This blows.”

JoeJcom_guage_3_4_full

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