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The 5th Wave Is The Final Wave Before The Wayans Bros Make “Not Another Teen Girl Saves The Planet”

In The 5th Wave aliens attack the earth and our only hope for survival is a group of confused tweens.  One moment they’re all normal tweens, and the next moment they have alien ships parked illegally over their house.  Then Chloe Grace Moretz is forced to tell us how it all went down in dramatic voice over.  She’s like, “Aliens took out the power, sent the earthquakes, sent a virus, morphed into human form to kill us, and made us create the documentary called the 5th wave.”

But as society breaks down Chloe and her family join other survivors in a broke down summer camp.

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Then the army arrives and colonel Liev Schreiber says, “We’re here, and we’re going to save you from living ghetto fabulous.”  So the army loads the kids onto busses to go to the air force base.  But Chloe gets left behind because she goes back for her brothers teddy bear.  That’s when she gets to witness all the adults lose an argument to an M16.  Yeah, they basically become human Swiss cheese.  That’s when Chloe is like, “I’m outta here because I like breathing.”

So she’s able to get away but eventually she gets shot in the leg.  Fortunately Chloe is nursed to health by Alex Roe who she learns is a part time alien and a full time hottie.

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She knows this because he loves to get all confused about his alien self while bathing in a lake.  At first Chloe thinks he’s hot but then she goes, “Hey conflicted alien guy, I’m getting my brother on my own because you’re acting like such a girl.”

Once Chloe makes it to the air force base she runs into her old crush Nick Robinson.  But that’s when Alex just shows up, kills two guys, and says, “I want to be human.  Love is not a trick, it’s real.”  That’s when Chloe falls into Alex’s arms and Nick loses his lunch.

Fortunately there is no time for sappiness because Nick tells them the army is controlled by the aliens who are training kids to be the 5th wave to take out the rest of humanity.  And Nick knows this because he can see the aliens with a special helmet provided by the alien leader.  The only problems he sees are the alien appears on regular humans and it tends to look like some cheesy graphic from the nineties.  Yeah dude, I think you have bigger problems than that.

The Straight Dope: Go see this movie if you believe aliens are smart enough to take out the human race, but dumb enough to be defeated by people who haven’t finished high school.

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Self/less Is The Poor Mans Version Of Every Brain Switch Movie Ever Made

Self/less asks the question, if you could become immortal and choose your own body would you really choose to be Ryan Reynolds?  Let’s be real.  That body made Green Lantern.  But apparently that’s good enough for Sir Ben Kingsley.  He’s like, “All I’m really shooting for is hair.”

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So Kingsley makes the switch and immediately takes his new body out to get nice and dirty.  Instantly I thought, hey Kingsley, you do know that body’s not a rental.  You can’t just break it and then complain on yelp.

From the get go, the new Kingsley/Reynolds gets flashes of the old Ryan Reynold’s memories.  And Kingsley/Reynolds is like, “This brain sucks.”

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So the owner of Phoenix Corp tells him as long as you take these pills, you’ll be in control.  But of coarse Kingsley/Reynolds doesn’t listen and he follows those memory flashes to Ryan Reynolds wife and daughter.  And this is when Phoenix corp goes, “Let’s kill them all dead.”

But at this point, Kingsley/Reynolds learns he has special forces training. He’s like, “Sweet, I get to kick ass like Jason Bourne and get an oscar like Kingsley.”

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For the rest of the movie Kingsley/Reynolds and Phoenix corp play a game of cat and mouse.  That is, until Kingsley/Reynolds takes out the owner of Phoenix corp with a flame thrower.  Way to be sensitive.

The Straight Dope:  The concept of this movie is great.  But after watching Ryan Reynold’s take the red pill a few times, you really regret seeing how deep this rabbit hole goes.

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Ted 2: Stuffed Bear Civil Rights Boogaloo

Ted wants give his wife a baby.  But the problem is he’s hung like a Ken doll.  So Ted and Mark Wahlberg decide, let’s go steal some sperm from Tom Brady.  This is a dicey proposition, even before the whole deflated balls scandal.

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So when they fail, Wahlberg offers to donate his sperm.  But things go wrong when the boys are at the fertility clinic and Wahlberg gets trapped under a falling rack of semen samples.  It’s never good when you’re attacked by a wall o’ gism.

But all of this doesn’t matter because Ted’s wife is infertile and they have to adopt.  And that’s when the government is like, “We just can’t just give a kid to a creepy plush toy like you.”

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So Ted and Wahlberg hire Amanda Seyfried as their civil rights attorney.  After a lengthy court prep montage, they go to court, and promptly lose.  Next they try to hire the top civil rights attorney Morgan Freeman.  But Freeman says, “To be human you need more qualities than doing drugs and being an ass.  Ted, I may have played God, but for you there is no miracle.”

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Ted is devastated.  He runs off to Comic-Con but then gets kidnapped.  Mark Wahlberg is able to save Ted, but Mark gets critically injured.  And that’s when TV cameras capture true emotion from Ted.  Finally Morgan Freeman is like,  “Now this is a case I can make money on.  I need to call them up.”

The Straight Dope:  Ted 2 makes us question what is it to be human.  And also why all of us laugh at jokes about doo-doo and semen – no matter how many times we see it.  On second thought, maybe it doesn’t take much to be human after all.

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San Andreas Movie Is About When The Earth Turns It Up To Eleven

San Andreas is a movie about a big earthquake.  But the most stressful part of this movie is seeing it in California.  Because you don’t know if this the big one or some punk playing with the bass.

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The main hero of the movie is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  Perfect California’s in trouble and we call the inventor of the peoples elbow.

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If he can’t save us, then maybe The Governator can.

So the movie starts out in LA and then it gets destroyed.  Then they move to San Francisco and it gets destroyed.  Then they fly over Bakersfield and the producer is like, “I don’t know how to make this city worse.  Maybe we should just add more looting than normal.”

First The Rock saves his wife in LA.  Then he flies up to San Francisco to save his daughter.  Hey Rock thanks for forgetting to save everyone else.

But the problem is when The Rock gets San Francisco there is a tsunami.  And to get to his daughter he needs to drive over the top.  So he of coarse he does it because he’s not afraid of some stupid jabroni wave.  Hey you can never get enough cheesy one-liners.

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The Straight Dope:  The earthquakes in this movie are scary, but a little less so when you realize some of the scenes look like the back lot tour?  Maybe I would be a little more scared if they added a giant fake shark.  But  definitely go see this movie for the pure entertainment value and the earthquake special effects.

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Hot Pursuit Is All Trailer and No Movie

Hot Pursuit is a movie about a straight laced cop and a high maintenance idiot.  Reese Witherspoon plays the cop.  And Sofia Vergara plays a role that sends the equality of women back fifty years.  Way to lean in Parenthood.

As you can imagine, Sofia Vergara doesn’t transform that much for this role.  She’s a sexy vixen.  Whereas Reese Witherspoon takes on sex appeal of a meter maid.  I can just imagine Reese saying, “Ma’am we’re undercover.  I need you to dial down the hotness.  You don’t always have to turn it up to 11.”

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In this movie Reese needs to get Sofia to Dallas to testify against a cartel boss.  Sofia does not want to do this because people who mess with the cartel tend to die.  And Sofia looks like she’s not yet ready to hear,  “Say hello to my little friend.”  At least not in that context.

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A lot of drama happens when a couple of dirty cops turn on Reese and Sofia.  So now they have to do some pretty ridiculous things to get to Dallas.  The girls steal a truck, take over a tour bus, and for some reason put on a deer costume to pass a police check point.  Yeah, none of this sounds very normal to me.  Apparently in movie land the only way to avoid the police is to choose the most moronic transportation possible.

But eventually when they get to Dallas Sofia reveals she wants to kill the cartel boss because he killed her brother.  And that she is actually smart and has planned the whole thing.  Yeah, that makes absolutely no sense.

The Straight Dope:  The idea of Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara teaming up is a good idea.  It just so happens this movie wasn’t.  You may want to stay home for this one.

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The Age of Ultron Is All About Explosions

The Age of Ultron is a movie about a robot who’s really pissed off.  I mean if you’re going to be built by Robert Downey Jr. then you probably expect something more from a star of Weird Science.  Maybe something like a nice rack.

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When you watch this movie if you are looking for a plot then just realize this is not the Age of Adeline.  I mean the biggest plot decision in this movie is where do we put the next explosion.  Before or after someone says one line.

But even in this movie I still feel for Hawkeye.  The producer is like, “Ruffalo you get to be massive and green.  Johansson you get to have the strength of 27 ninjas.  Renner why don’t you go over there and pick up that bow.  I want to see if you can stop a whole robot army.’

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That’s pretty much how the whole movie goes.  Ultron tries to take out the Avengers and then they destroy a whole city block.

This goes back an forth until Ultron finally decides he’s really sick of losing.  So he creates his own version of the meteor that killed the dinosaurs.  He does this buy airlifting a whole town off of the ground.  Yeah that’s pretty much the stupidest way to do it.  So it’s no big shocker when Ultron finally bites the dust.

The Straight dope:  It’s fun to watch this movie.  And when they bring in a new character you don’t really care about,  just wait two seconds and they’ll wipe your mind clean with a nice explosion.

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The Age of Adaline Movie Tells Us What It’s Like To Be 29 Forever

The Age of Adaline movie is about how Blake Lively stops aging at 29 years old.  Sounds cool until you realize this is one more reason to hate her.  Just ask your girlfriend and she’ll probably say, “I’m not watching that movie where the bitch doesn’t age.”

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Blake Lively becomes ageless when a mixture of cold water and lightening makes her cells frozen in time.  Once this change happens you instantly wonder where is Professor X.  Because if her story is true then she’s one hot mutant.  And somebody needs to update history because Ponce De Leon was way off.  Apparently the fountain of youth is closer to Martinez California.

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The big drama happens when Blake Lively runs into her old flame Harrison Ford. He’s instantly attracted to her.  And she’s instantly not.  Because there’s nothing sexy about arthritis.

But that’s not all, we get to learn Harrison Ford is her boyfriends dad.  Yeah there’s really no way to sugar coat that conversation.  She gets to tell the boyfriend, “I was with your dad.  And by the way I’m 107.”  That is like the worst secret ever.

The straight dope:  This movie explores the problems of living forever.  But the problem is it takes two hours to do it.  Hollywood, some of us don’t have the luxury of being 29 forever.

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Unfriended Movie Proves You Can Make a Movie For What It Cost to Get Taco Bell

Unfriended is a movie about a ghost who attacks you from the computer.  How deviant do you have to be to get that virus.  At that point even Norton Antivirus is like, “You’re on your own idiot.”

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But the funny thing is when I looked up Unfriended trailer on Google one of the suggestions was, “Is Unfriended based on a true story.”  And at that point I wondered is Google search based on complete morons.

But the movie starts out with five teens on a chat window.  And it pretty much stays there.  Because every time one of them tries to leave the chat the ghost is like, “You can’t do that because we have no budget.”

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As you can imagine with five people on a chat window at a time even a giant movie screen looks like somebody threw up pop up windows.  At one point I was rooting for the ghost just so that the movie would be a little less ADD.

Throughout the movie when someone does something the ghost does not like they die.  Not a satisfying horror movie death, more like a low budget ketchup in your face death.

The straight dope: The only way you are going to find this movie scary is if you really hate a cluttered computer screen.

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The Longest Ride = The Longest Movie

The Longest Ride movie introduces us to the scary world of bull riding and relationships.  And Scott Eastwood quickly learns maybe it’s just safer to ride the bull.  I mean, there are several times in the movie where you swear he is saying, “She makes my brain hurt.”

But when the movie is not focused on couple issues, it seems like Eastwood spends most of the time trying to prove he’s a country boy.  He’s like, “I’m small town because I own a cowboy hat.  And if that doesn’t convince you then I will do my best blue steel as the Marlboro man.”

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To balance all this drama they introduce Alan Alda.  He’s had a full life, full relationship and basically tries to annoy us with every little detail.  Yeah thanks for the relationship advice Hawkeye from Mash.

You get half way into this movie and you’re like, “They could have done this in five minutes.”  But that’s when Britt Robertson tells Alda her relationship with Eastwood is not going well, so she says to Alda, “Tell me about your relationship.”  And Alda says, “Ok, prepare to be depressed.”  Great there’s another hour.

In the end there is a nice pay off.  Eastwood becomes the top bull rider, then he inherits Alda’s collection of expensive art and he gets the girl.  Something none all of us can relate to in the real world.

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Insurgent Spends Two Hours Opening A Box

Insurgent is a movie about how Jeanine (Kate Winslet) wants to open what she thinks is an all-powerful box.  But the real question is what’s in the box?  Will she become super powerful or just super disappointed like Brad Pitt in Seven.  Chances are she will need a bucket to vomit.

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But Jeanine doesn’t care, she just wants to open that box.  So she convinces all the smart people to do what she says.  Which is not hard because smart people tend to have the social IQ of a potato.

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All the smart people are like, “Let’s do this, I’m sick of looking at books.  I’ve got energy to spare because I never have the sex.”

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Jeanine thinks Tris (Shailene Woodley) can open the box because Tris has the abilities of all five factions.  Maybe this is so, but Tris also needs to learn the ability to not look like a boy.  I understand short hair is in, but just because you cut it doesn’t mean now you can fight.

When Tris does open the box, the message inside says, “Guess what you’re in an experiment and we locked you in the worst part of Chicago.  You may want to come out and stop acting like giant lab rats.  Oh and by the way you’ve been on reality TV and you don’t get any money.  That money belongs to our leaders the Kardashians.”

Bottom line is this movie is worth it to see.  I got turned away from the theatre because it was sold out, so I got the pleasure if seeing it in 3D and playing three dollars extra.  Thank’s movie theatre.

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