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In Logan The Remaining Xmen Battle An Army Of Bad Guys And A Lifetime Of Arthritis

Hugh Jackman from the movie logan. He is in a black jacked with the rain falling on him. He has his claws out and looking down pensively. The words logan are written over the poster

ADD Review: The movie Logan is like a VH1 special of “Where Are They Now.”   The once powerful Wolverine is a limo driver with the not so special power of gout.  And as a treat we also get to see that Professor X now has a memory of a sieve and a serious swearing habit.

comic popcorn movie bar with the words doesn't blow. There is a smiley face with a side grin. Under the smiley face are the words interesting throughout. Next to this is a bar graph with the words audience laughs. The bar is rated meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The rating is in yellow at meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

SET UP: In Logan the invincible Wolverine becomes a broke down Uber driver with bad vision.  And when he is not driving his limo, he’s scoring prescription drugs for for his boy Prof X.

STEPHEN MERCHANT THE MUTANT

Hey Wolverinie, the professor is still having seizures.  Which means your supply is really whack.

LOGAN

Hey powder get off my back.  I’m doing the best I can so what I need you to do is shut the hell up and appreciate living in this dump in the middle of Mexico.

Hugh Jackman from Logan with a full beard. wearing a white shirt and black suit jacket. Written meme: In case you didn't know, the once great wolverine transforms into a broke down uber driver who does Abe Lincoln Impressions on the side

Just then Professor X seizes.

LOGAN

Oh great, looks like I need to inject the old man again before his mind powers eff this place up even more.

Later on, when Logan is driving his uber limo, he gets a call and to pick up a mom and daughter.

MOM

I know you’re Wolverine and I know you can take me and this little girl to the mutant haven called Eden.

LOGAN

Well lady here’s what I know I like cash.

Logan goes back to his Mexican compound to get ready for the trip.  But when he comes back to pick up the mom and daughter he finds out the mom is killed really super dead.

LOGAN

Hmm…something doesn’t seem right.  Let me hop into my limo and lead the bad guys directly to professor X

Once Logan goes back to the Mexican compound he finds out the little girl hitched a ride in his limo.

PROFESSOR X

Don’t be mad, this little girl is special.

LOGAN

No old man, what’s special is you’re flying high on Xanax.

Just then a whole bunch of really tough bad dudes roll up.  They try to go after the little girl but epically fail when she turns into a mini wolverine killing machine.

PROFESSOR X

I told you.  Buy the way congrats dad.

LOGAN

Get in the effin’ limo old man.

Then Logan picks up the little girl and they have a car chase scene straight out of Mad Max.  Fortunately Logan, Professor X and the little girl escape.

Patrick stewart is in the back of a limo holding onto the driver seat looking like he is saying something. Hugh Jackman is driving with a quizzical look on his face. From the movie logan. Written meme: Logan I don't mean to be a Back Seat driver but could you hurry up and kill those bad guys so we can stop at the little boys room? 

But then later on the bad guys catch up to them, while they are staying with a nice family.

PROFESSOR X

Logan, it was  nice to have dinner with this nice family in the nice house in the middle of nice nowhere.

ALT GENETICALLY ENGINEERED LOGAN

Too bad it’s now time to turn this house into a nice little blood bath.

And that’s when Alt Logan goes on stabbing party.  But once again the real Logan, Professor X and the little girl escape.  Later on Professor X kicks the bucket.  

LOGAN

Damn you Alt Logan, it’s not fair.  You killed my boy Prof X and and you look ten times hotter than me.  

Next, Logan passes out from grief and pain.  Then Little Wolverine dumps him in the truck and drives to Eden. 

LOGAN

Hey little girl, you know what’s effed up, I pass out for a couple of days and you just drive across half of the frickin’ country.

LITTLE WOLVERINE

If you are mad at that then, you are really not going to like we pumped you with some green mutant juice to heal you up and be less of an a-hole.  Obviously it didn’t work.

The next day Little Wolverine leaves with all of the mutant kids to escape to freedom.  But Logan sees the bad guys coming and has the brilliant idea to inject green mutant juice unit it is coming out of his eyeballs.  Logan goes into beast mode, kills a whole army and then collapses dead as a doornail.

Da End

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Pan Is A Live Action Adventure With A Cartoon Premise

Pan gives us the backstory about why Peter is so annoying.  You know flying around and telling everyone they’re going to get old and die.  Guess what Peter, that’s a jackhole move.

But in Pan you can argue Peter earns his cockiness.  He grows up in an orphanage run by a nun who happens to like selling boys into slavery.  Who’s the jackhole now?

Eventually Peter gets sold off and is put to work for Hugh Jackman/BlackBeard the Pirate. Peter is forced to mine pixilatum because breathing the stuff makes Jackman look dead sexy.

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But unfortunately Peter is accused of stealing pixilatum and is forced to walk the plank.  But that’s when Peter flies and Jackman goes, “Great, if he’s the chosen one I’m going to be taken out by a little boy.”

So Jackman tries to stop Peter, but a young Captain Hook comes to his rescue.  At this point Peter and Hook are friends because Peter hasn’t gotten under Hook’s skin yet.

So, Peter and Hook escape to a native village.  But this village looks less native and more like the huts and clothes were attacked by neon colors from the 80’s.  Hey villagers, way to be stealthy.

rooney_mara_in_a_multicolored_headdress_from_pan_written_I_Like_to_wear_things_that_look_like_the_80s_threw_up_around_my_face

Of coarse Jackman finds this village of ridiculousness.  But once again Peter and Hook are able to escape.  But now the guys set out for the secret fairy hideout.  Once they make to the fairy hideout, Peter opens the door and Jackman jumps out and is like, “Thanks for doing that idiot.”

The Straight Dope: The fairies deliver a serious pirate smackdown once they learn Peter can fly.  But this makes you wonder if the fairies could defeat Jackman the whole time then they’re kinda stupid.  I mean why do they need a boy who can fly just to kick some pirate booty?

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