ADD Review: The movie Logan is like a VH1 special of “Where Are They Now.” The once powerful Wolverine is a limo driver with the not so special power of gout. And as a treat we also get to see that Professor X now has a memory of a sieve and a serious swearing habit.
Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:
SET UP: In Logan the invincible Wolverine becomes a broke down Uber driver with bad vision. And when he is not driving his limo, he’s scoring prescription drugs for for his boy Prof X.
STEPHEN MERCHANT THE MUTANT
Hey Wolverinie, the professor is still having seizures. Which means your supply is really whack.
Hey powder get off my back. I’m doing the best I can so what I need you to do is shut the hell up and appreciate living in this dump in the middle of Mexico.
Just then Professor X seizes.
Oh great, looks like I need to inject the old man again before his mind powers eff this place up even more.
Later on, when Logan is driving his uber limo, he gets a call and to pick up a mom and daughter.
I know you’re Wolverine and I know you can take me and this little girl to the mutant haven called Eden.
Well lady here’s what I know I like cash.
Logan goes back to his Mexican compound to get ready for the trip. But when he comes back to pick up the mom and daughter he finds out the mom is killed really super dead.
Hmm…something doesn’t seem right. Let me hop into my limo and lead the bad guys directly to professor X
Once Logan goes back to the Mexican compound he finds out the little girl hitched a ride in his limo.
Don’t be mad, this little girl is special.
No old man, what’s special is you’re flying high on Xanax.
Just then a whole bunch of really tough bad dudes roll up. They try to go after the little girl but epically fail when she turns into a mini wolverine killing machine.
I told you. Buy the way congrats dad.
Get in the effin’ limo old man.
Then Logan picks up the little girl and they have a car chase scene straight out of Mad Max. Fortunately Logan, Professor X and the little girl escape.
But then later on the bad guys catch up to them, while they are staying with a nice family.
Logan, it was nice to have dinner with this nice family in the nice house in the middle of nice nowhere.
ALT GENETICALLY ENGINEERED LOGAN
Too bad it’s now time to turn this house into a nice little blood bath.
And that’s when Alt Logan goes on stabbing party. But once again the real Logan, Professor X and the little girl escape. Later on Professor X kicks the bucket.
Damn you Alt Logan, it’s not fair. You killed my boy Prof X and and you look ten times hotter than me.
Next, Logan passes out from grief and pain. Then Little Wolverine dumps him in the truck and drives to Eden.
Hey little girl, you know what’s effed up, I pass out for a couple of days and you just drive across half of the frickin’ country.
If you are mad at that then, you are really not going to like we pumped you with some green mutant juice to heal you up and be less of an a-hole. Obviously it didn’t work.
The next day Little Wolverine leaves with all of the mutant kids to escape to freedom. But Logan sees the bad guys coming and has the brilliant idea to inject green mutant juice unit it is coming out of his eyeballs. Logan goes into beast mode, kills a whole army and then collapses dead as a doornail.