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La La Land Is A Fresh Take On A Love Story With A Boy, A Girl, And A Whole Bunch Of Random Singing And Dancing

ADD review:  In La La Land boy meets girl, girl gets mad at boy, so then boy makes girl into a snooty Hollywood actress.  And while all of this is going on be prepared to see a whole bunch of singing and dancing coming straight out of nowhere.

comic popcorn movie bar with the words doesn't blow. There is a smiley face with a side grin. Under the smiley face are the words interesting throughout. Next to this is a bar graph with the words audience laughs. The bar is rated meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The rating is in yellow at meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

La La Land starts out with Emma Stone ogling Ryan Gosling like he’s ten times hotter than the sun.  But when she tries to talk to him, Gosling doesn’t say a word because he just got fired by the Farmer’s insurance guy.    

Months later Stone runs into Gosling at a pool party where he is in a band playing the most embarrassing instrument in the world – the keytar.  

STONE

Hey piano man I’m going to get you back by requesting all of the stupid songs of the 80’s.

GOSLING

Well then I’m going to pretend to hate you until it’s time to spontaneously break out in song and dance.

ryan gosling from the movie la la land. he is in a white t-shirt with a red 1980's jacket. He is playing a red keytar at a house party. Written meme You know how I know I'm hot? You still want me even though I'm rockin a keytar

Moments later they look out onto the beautiful LA skyline and go “It’s time to get our Fred and Ginger on.  Let’s sing about how much the view sucks.”

GOSLING (singing and dancing)

I’m still pretending to hate you and this view that reminds me of emoji poo.

STONE (singing and dancing)

On that one thing we agree so now it’s time for me to get in my bougie prius and leave.

The problem is they don’t make a plan to meet up.  So months later Gosling just randomly shows up at the coffee shop where Stone works.  

GOSLING

I didn’t mean to be a creeper but you’re like the only chick in LA without a phone.

STONE

Fortunately, I forgive you because you’re so damn hot.  Now why don’t you meet me for my break so I can tell you my whole life story in ten minutes.

Next they plan a date to watch Rebel Without A Cause.  But when Stone arrives late to the movie she figures the best way to find Gosling is by standing right in front of the screen.

GOSLING

Girl, get over here before the audience breaks out the rotten tomatoes.

As they watch the movie their hands touch and then they both move in for the kiss.  But that’s when the film burns through, the lights turn on and they both get turned off.

GOSLING

Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever been cock blocked by Mr. James Dean.

STONE

Don’t worry, we can continue our date by breaking into Griffith Park Observatory and commit a super romantic felony.

ryan gosling and emma stone from the movie la la land. They are in Griffith Park Observatory in the star room theater. They are looking up at the ceiling. Gosling is in a tan suit with a 1940's tie. Emma Stone is in a green dress. The are looking off in wonderment. Written meme I really hope we can complete our couples dance scene before we get totally busted by the cops

After this, they have a full on relationship movie montage.  And it’s all romance and flowers until the montage ends and the couples check engine light comes on.

STONE

Ever since you took that job touring with a band you’ve sort of become a pretentious LA douche.

GOSLING

So does that mean you’re not going on tour with me or you just don’t like cash?

Now while Gosling is being successful in a band, Stone puts on a one woman show that plays to an audience of almost no one.  Since her acting career and relationship are both in a tailspin, Stone goes back home to the bustling metropolis of Boulder City.  Then days later Gosling just shows up.

GOSLING

I know you hate me, but I’m here to pick you up for a casting call for a movie that has like a one percent chance of hiring you.  But I think you’re going to get the part because that’s what’s going to cinch us the Oscar win.

Stone gets the part.  Then she moves to Paris and becomes a famous actress.  Meanwhile Gosling stays in LA and opens up his own jazz club.  Then one night five years later Stone’s idiot husband takes her to Gosling’s club for the most awkward moment ever.

HUSBAND

Babe you okay?

STONE

Not really.  You see that super hot guy playing the piano?  I just imagined how complete my life would have been if I made the right choice and married him.  Not that I don’t love you, but you’re like the husband equivalent of a second place ribbon.

The End

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Rogue One Is A Star Wars Story About Taking The Plans For A Deadly Spaceball And Then Just Dying

ADD Movie Review:  We finally get an action packed prequel that explains why the Death Star blows up like it was built by a five year old.  But I’m warning you don’t get too attached to anyone in this movie because, chances are they’ll just end up dead as a door nail.

written on the left the words doesn't blow. There is a yellow smiley face with a engaged look on his face. Next to the smiley face are the words audience laughs: and next to that is a bar graph with the scale of meh, LOLHOTT (laugh out loud half of the time), and bust a gut. The graph has a little yellow coloring at the meh level

Review For People Who Have An Attention Span Greater Than A Gnat:  In Rogue one Jyn (Feliciy Jones) and Cassian (Diego Luna) go to the Jedi Holy city and find out the Empire is fiending on Khyber crystal like some ghetto crack head.  And the reason the Empire is jonesing on this crystal is to fuel up the Death Star so that they can make everyone really dead.

Ben Mendelsohn from rogue one: a star wars story. Ben is standing on the death star in a white shirt with red and blue color bars for rank. He has a cape. He is holding a gun. There is a black background with a light up screen in the back with a round object. Written meme: best part of my job on the Death Star is I get to shoot a big gun and look like a bastard doing it

While Jyn and Cassian are in the holy city, they meet Chirrut Imwe (Donnie Yen) and his partner Baze Malbus (Jiang Wen) during a nice Sunday afternoon rebel uprising.  Jyn is good at fighting, Baze is good at shooting and Chirrut is good at kicking ass while being totally blind.

Once the fight is over Jyn, Cassian, Chirrut and Baze are taken to Saw Gerrera (Forest Whitaker) who plays an out of breath broke down Mad Max extra.  And this is when Jyn learns her father just happens to be a bastard who help build the Death Star.  But her father tells her, “Before you get too mad, I also put in a secret reactor to make the giant spaceball go boom.”  

So now all our heroes need to do is convince the rebels the reactor exists, steal the plans for the Death Star, and then blow it up with some untested yokel farm boy.

But unfortunately once Jyn gets this information, the Death Star lights up the Jedi holy city like frickin’ roman candle.  Luckily all of our hero’s escape mainly because they have a fast ship and it’s only half way into the movie.  

Once our heroes get to the rebel base, they explain now all they need to do is steal the plans for the Death Star on a heavily guarded tropical planet.  And the rebel council is like, “Jedi please, that’s frickin’ suicide.”

So now our heroes are forced to get some ragtag rebels and go straight after the Death Star plans on their own.  They think it’s a good idea to roll on over to the Imperial base with twenty rebels against a whole planet of armed dudes dressed in white.  

Rogue One: A starwars story with two stormtroopers dressed in white carrying guns walking in the ocean. Written meme: Know What sucks about this tropical planet? My Stormtrooper suit doesn't come equipped with a pair of shorts

Amazingly, Jyn and Cassian get the plans.  That’s when the rebel forces decide to help and start shooting anything that moves.  In the coolest scene of the movie the rebels ram a star destroyer through the planet’s shield.  This allows Jyn to transmit the plans before the Death Star turns the Imperial base into the worst tropical vacation ever.

JoeJcom_guage_3_4_full_new
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Arrival Is A Movie About Aliens Who Have Enough Technology To Make It To Earth But Still Have Trouble With Grade School English

Arrival starts out with Amy Adams remembering how her sweet little girl kicks the bucket.  That’s right, this movie comes straight out of the gate with the super fun topics of cancer and depression.

But fortunately after the initial downer scene, Adams goes to work as a language professor and learns aliens have illegally parked dildo shaped ships around the world.  Like everyone else on earth she takes the day off because she’s freaked out about big black things from outer space. 

amy adams from arrival movie. She is at work wearing a white and gray shirt. She has a surprised look on her face. She is in front of a whole bunch of computers. Written meme: Kind of freaked out about the alien landing, but I really like skipping out on a day of work

But after watching the news all night she decides to show up to work the next day like a complete moron.  Fortunately while she is at work colonel Forest Whitaker shows up and asks her to interpret what the aliens are saying from a super ghetto recording.  Not surprising she fails and he’s like, “Well that didn’t work.  So now you get to meet the aliens in person which means, you get an all expense paid trip to boring ass Montana.”

In Montana Adams meets the aliens and theoretical physicist/awkward boyfriend Jeremy Renner.  The two of them learn even though there are twelve ships spread around the world, nobody has a clue on how to communicate with these a-hole alien squatters.

amy adams from arrival movie. She is in an orange radiation suit with a microphone. She is looking off to the side with a quizzical look on her face. Written meme: So You're telling me you aliens can builds a space ship, but you still can't figure out how to use a bic pen

But at least every eighteen hours the aliens open their ship to try to talk to Adams, Renner and the military crew.  Adams uses marker on a white board to communicate with the aliens and the aliens answer back by using their tentacle to squirt a whole bunch of gross ink in the air.  The problem is the aliens communicate with circles and nonlinear time.  That’s right their language goes back in forth in time.  Which made me say, “Hey aliens, if you figured out time, how about spending just a second to learn a little effin English?”

But what we learn is the aliens are teaching Adams their future language so that the human race can help them in 3000 years.  Which is kind of cool but also kind of a selfish bastard thing to do.

Once Adams learns their language, we find out all of the flash backs she has been having in the movie are actually flash forwards.  And she uses her new skill to see the future to stop the Chinese from killing the aliens and also to prove once again the world can’t do anything without knowledge and power of the good ole’ USA.

ADD Review:  If you have ADD you won’t make it past the first five minutes of this movie.  This is because this movie is a thinker and a little bit of a depressor.

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Ouija: Origin Of Evil Is Also The Origin Of Reigniting Your Fears Of Creepy Little Girls

In Ouija: Origin of Evil Elizabeth Reaser plays a mom who accidentaly turns her house into Grand Central Station for ghosts.  For some reason this lady thinks it’s cool to bring a ouija board into her house just to become a ghetto fabulous fortune teller.  And the moment I saw this lady’s plan I was like, “Hate to be stereotypical, but why does it always have to be a dumb white lady.  Because I can pretty much guarantee Madea would not put up with that mess.”

madea from the movie boo. tyler perry dressed up as madea with the glasses speaking directly to the camera. witten meme: if I was inveited to this ouija house party you'd better believe I'd be saying boo and kicking some ghost booty

And the moment Reaser uses this board the spirts decide to use her daughter Lulu Wilson as a little demon puppet girl.  Lulu gets possessed, starts answering ouija board questions and then acts like nothing ever happened.  And that’s when I said to myself, “Great so this is going to be one of those demon denial movies.”

Next Lulu uses the ouija board by herself.  The board lets her communicate with spirts and even leads her to money in the basement to save the house from foreclosure.  Once this happens the mom is like, “That little meal ticket is not going to school.”

As Lulu uses the board more, she gets further possessed until one night she looks into a mirror and her body is taken over by a ghost who looks like he just got invited to a gimp latex party.  From here on out, Lulu whispers demon secrets in peoples ears and starts walking on the walls and the ceiling.  That’s when her sister Annalise Basso realizes something may be a little off.  So she gets Father Henry Thomas to use his extensive experience with demons and aliens.

ouija origin of evil with henry thomas dressed as a priest wearing a black shirt with a white collar. He has a gray sweater. He is speaking to a family. Written meme: we're dealing with a possession. Fortunately I specialize in demons and E.T.

When Henry gets to the house, he gets a reading just to trick Lulu the demon.  Then he takes the mom and sister aside and talks to them in Lulu’s super haunted room.  And that’s when I was like, “Apparently more people just equals more stupid decisions.”

In the room they figure out that the demon was a doctor who liked to torture people in the basement.  So their next brilliant plan is to burn the Ouija board in the furnace of that same exact basement.  Which made say, “I would have probably gone with burning down the whole effin house.”  But of coarse they don’t do that.  And that’s when Father Henry gets possessed, the mom gets killed and Annalise gets sent to a mental hospital.  Making this movie perfect family fun for anybody with the last name Manson.

ADD Movie Review: For like the millionth time people use a Ouija board in a house and then everyone ends up really dead.

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The Accountant Is A Movie About What Happens When They Run Out Of Ideas For A New Bourne

Ben Affleck from the movie the Accountant. He is in a suit with a tie wearing glasses. He is holding his lunch in a tupperware container. He has a badge on. He is looking off in the distance

When I went to the theater to buy a ticket for The Accountant, I just wanted to see if they’d say, “Thanks a lot sucker.  What kind of idiot thinks Hollywood would make a movie about a killer accountant?” But to my surprise they made the movie and made me thirteen dollars poorer.

In this movie Ben Affleck stars as an autistic killer who’s torn between opening an excel spreadsheet and opening a giant hole in somebody’s neck.

the accountant movie with Ben Affleck. He is in front of a white board looking pensive. He is wearing glasses with his collar undone and wearing a tie. There are numbers on the whiteboard. Written meme did I forget to carry the one or shoot that guy in the head

And his skill set is valuable for any client who likes run their business from cell block four.  But for a change of pace Affleck takes a job to investigate accounting irregularities at John Lithgow’s life sciences company.  Which is about as sexy as watching a real accountant do his job.

Now while all of this non-excitement is going on, J.K. Simmons the director of the treasury gets a bug up his butt and decides to go after Batman Ben the Accountant.  Simmons sends agent Cynthia Addai-Robinson to hunt down Affleck for like the whole freaking movie.  And the kicker is she never actually meets him.  Which made me say, “Nice way to create the movie tension of a wet noodle.”

Fortunately the excitement picks up when Affleck investigates Lithgow’s company and falls in puppy love with Anna “Pitch Perfect” Kendrick.  But no matter what she does, their relationship only advances to the sexual spark of sixth grade Sadie Hawkins dance.

the accountant movie with anna kendrick and ben affleck. Anna is in a jacket looking at Ben Affleck's shirt pocket. Ben Affleck has a pocket protector with pens in his pocket. He is wearing a suit, and has glasses on. he is looking at anna kendrick. Written meme Mental note: This guy is reaaally into protection

Eventually, Affleck finds out Lithgow is stealing money from his own company and then putting it back in.  Lithgow is doing this so that he can take the company public and become yet another billionaire bastard CEO.

The twist to the whole movie is Lithgow hires Affleck’s brother Jon Bernthal to take out his best friend, his sister and Affleck the serial killer spreadsheet savant.  But things don’t quite work out for Lithgow in the end.  Affleck shoots Lithgow in the head and then calmly says to his brother, “Sorry about that.  Why don’t we get together next week?”

ADD Movie Review:  When you mix an accountant with an emotionless killer all you really get is Batman’s much less successful brother.

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Masterminds Shows Us That A Fool And His Money Is Parted In About Three Months

zach galifianakis, owen wilson, kristen wiig and jason sudeikis from the movie masterminds. Owen wilson is wearing an american red white and blue jacket, he is sucking on a lolly pop. Zach galifianakis is is a pink shirt with purple pants and has a bob hairstyle with bangs. Kristen Wiig has her arm on Galifianakis and a hand on her hip looking seductively to the camer. She has a pager on her skirt. Jason Sudeikis is grabbing the side of his glasses bringing them down. He has a mustache. He is is a peach shirt unbuttoned to expose a white undershirt. Behind them is a cloud in a blue sky with the word masterminds written in red

In Masterminds Zach Galifianakis is a part time armored car driver and a full time idiot. Now he is set to marry Kate McKinnon until he realizes that chick is 50 shades of weird.  Also he realizes he is truly in lust with trailer park princess Kristen Wiig.

zach galifianakis and kate mckinnon from the movie masterminds. Kate mckinnon is in a white wedding dress sitting at a picnic table holding zachs hand. There is a candeabra lit in front of them. Zach is wearing the phantom of the opera mask and cape. He is also wearking jeans shorts and has one leg up on the seat of the table. He has a cold chain. Written meme: nothing says wedding memories like phantom of the trailer park

And once Owen Wilson hears Galifiankis is sweet on Kristen he sees a hillbilly opportunity.  That’s when Wilson convinces Kristen to seduce Galifianakis into stealing 17 million dollars from his job.  The plan is for Galifianakis to take the money and then take a one way trip to Mexico with the most ridiculous disguise possible.

zach galifianakis from the movie masterminds with a blond long hair wig, cat eye contacts, a beard, gold chain and a white muscle shirt. Written meme: apparently in Mexico this look isn't even scrathcing the surface of weird

But the messed up part is, once the job is done, Wilson keeps the 17 million and Galifianakis gets $20,000 and a bad case of Montezuma’s revenge.  And while Galifianakis chills down in Mexico, Wilson repeatedly convinces Kristen she is doing the right thing.  Meanwhile Wilson takes the 17 million and buys a mansion, a BMW and the hillbilly equivalent of “we know we finally made it” a golden framed portrait of velvet Elvis.

But eventually, Galifianakis runs low on money.  He then finds out Wilson is behind the whole heist and Kristen is not going to be meeting him south of the border.  And to make things even worse, Wilson sends Jason Sudeikis down to Mexico to make Galifianakis really dead.

jason sudeikis from masterminds. He is wearing a striped shirt and glasses. He his rasing his hand in a hi gesture. Written meme: Hi. Just so you know, I'll be your killer for the evening

And Sudeikis is looking forward to the killing until he learns that Galifianakis has the same exact name and birth date.  Then he’s like, “This is crazy.  I can’t kill a brother, so why don’t we just hang and forget the whole murder thing.”  Which made me go, “Good thing this is a comedy, because that makes absolutely no sense.”

Next Galifianakis tries to get money from Wilson, but then learns that Kristen is being held hostage.  So he goes back to the good ole USA and crashes Wilson’s ghetto housewarming party.  Then Galifianakis rescues Kristen, steals a BMW and then promptly wrecks it into the front gate.  That’s when Wilson comes up and admits he was the mastermind of everything in front of a secret FBI van.  Which is very convenient because at this point I think they ran out of story.

ADD Movie review: This movie is funny in parts.  And you’ll love it if you have ever dreamed of seeing what would happen if somebody dumber than Ricky Bobby robbed a bank.

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The Magnificent Seven Is A Slow Burn Shoot ‘Em Up Western With The Emphasis On The Word Slow

the magnificent seven poster with the words magnificent seven written in gold on a white background. Denzel washington, chris pratt, manuel garcia-rulfo, ethan hawke, lee byung-hun, vincent D'Onofrio, and Martin Sensmeier are in cowboy clothes standing between the letters of the words magnificent seven

The Magnificent Seven opens with Peter Sarsgaard and his henchmen burning down a church, killing some townsfolk and then offering to buy their land for the princely sum of twenty dollars.  Which made me say, “The only way you can make Sarsgaard more evil is by giving him a wicked laugh and a curly mustache.”

peter sarsgaard from the magnificent seven movie. He is wearing a dark gray jacket with a cowboy hat. He has a tan vest with a chain. He has a tie with a diamond in it. He is wearing a gun belt. Written meme in case you are wondering, this is my wild west evil dude pose

Meanwhile a couple of towns over Denzel Washington goes into a bar that looks like it is straight out of a Hollywood set.  Denzel then strikes up a conversation with the bartender and then fills the the guy full of lead.  Then Denzel says, “Relax wild west patrons I’m a warrant officer and I have a piece of paper that says I can kill more people than usual.”

Fortunately Haley Bennett witnesses the gunfight and convinces Denzel to save Rose Creek from Sarsgaard the Terrible.  And Denzel’s next move is to recruit Chris Pratt by telling him, “If you come on a job with me that has a 99 percent chance of death, I’ll buy you a horse.”  Which made say, “That’s like the worst sales pitch ever.”

Anyway, from here Denzel and Pratt start collecting five other fools who don’t like to live.  And these guys are real pieces of work.  They get Manuel Garcia Rulfo who is a Machete Lite, Ethan Hawke who is a gunfighter with PTSD, Lee Byung-hun who is a martial arts cowboy, Vincent D’Onofrio who is a stinky bear of a man and Martin Sensmeier who is a don’t eff with me Comanche warrior.  And for some reason all these guys go, “Sure, we’ll help as long as their is a good chance we’re all going to die.”

the magnificent seven movie with denzel washington leaning against a fence with the right arm propped up on the fence post. He is dressein all black with a cowboy hat. He has a gun belt with a gun on. Chris pratt is next to him dressin brown trowsers and a white shirt and brown vest. He has a cowboy hat and a bandana scarf. He has a gun belt with a gun. Written meme anyway you slice it, the band of dudes we've got is less magnificent and more like a collection of wild west weirdos

Finally once the seven reach Rose Creek, they instantly turn Sarsgaard’s security force into an undertaker’s wildest dream.  There’s so many people dead, Denzel and the boys start bragging about their body counts.  But their joy is short lived when they realize now they get deal with Sarsgaard and his dirty cowboy army.

So the seven booby trap the town with explosives and townsfolk who can’t shoot the side of a barn.  The cool thing is when Sarsgaard’s army attacks they get very decimated.  Then Sarsgaard is like, “Enough playing around, say hello to my little friend the gatling gun.”  And that’s when the body count goes up so quick, that I thought they were going to tally up how many people died on the screen.  

But fortunately the gatling gun is taken out by our idiotic hero Chris Pratt.  He literally walks up to it and blows it up with a stick of Jimmy Walker dyn-o-mite.

 jimmy walker with a blue hat and red shirt. holding his finger up with a lit fuse. The words dyn-o-mite are written in yellow. Jimmie walker in a fuse like writing is connecting to the word dyn-o-mite

Once the gun is taken out, Sargaard goes mano y mano with Denzel and then gets taken out with a satisfying shotgun to the head.

ADD review: The fight scenes are good as long as you can get through the whole “we need to have motivation for what we are doing” parts.

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Blair Witch 2016 Is The Best Found Footage Movie Of 1999

Blair witch poster with dark black trees and a red background. In the middle of the picture are the words written blair witch

In Blair Witch a group of friends solicit the help of a pair of morons to take them to the witchy woods of death.  And just like the original movie, the new version is shot in shaky found footage so prepare to get scared and vomit.

As the group walks through the forest, we get jump scares from people who pop up in front of the camera like freaking jack in the box.  Apparently it’s cool to just pop up and go, “I got some wood.  And I also got some toilet paper because you look like you just shatnered your pants.”

Anyway, when the group finally sets up camp, the lead moron Wes Robinson says, “By the way, when you stay the night in the forest, the witch puts a spell on you and you end up really dead.”  Which made me think, “That’s important information to know before they went into the woods with your dumb ass.”

corbin reid from the blair witch 2016 movie. Corbin is staring off into space thinking about what is happening. She is in the woods. Written meme on second thought, I should have declined that invitation for glamping in the blair witch woods of death

As expected, during the night branches break and there are a whole bunch of questionable rude grunting noises.  Then everyone wakes up at the crack of 2 pm to find Blair Witch figurines hung up like hillbilly ornaments.  Immediately everyone gets freaked out and is like, “We need to get out of here, this is the same exact trick they used in the original film.”

But not five minutes later we find out Robinson and his girlfriend made the stick figures to prove that the Blair witch is real and horrible at home made gifts.  That’s when the rest of the group is like, “We’re going home and taking the GPS with us.  Have fun not dying Martha Stewart of the woods.”

After this everyone hikes in the woods for a whole day and strangely ends up at the same exact campsite.  Later on, Robinson and his girlfriend come back to the campsite claiming they have been hiking for five days and smell like it too.  Then if that is not weird enough everyone starts getting chased by a computer generated witchy gust of wind.

blair witch movie 2016 with callie hernandez. Callie is in the rain with wet hair and a blue jacket. She has a light in her face and she is talking while afraid. Written meme just know the blair witch is real and she makes homemade stick gifts like a 3rd grader

This all leads to a couple of people getting killed off in the woods and the others getting chased into a ghetto fabulous house.  This house may look like a shack on the outside but on the inside it has more rooms than the Disneyland haunted mansion.  There are multiple hallways that lead to multiple doors that lead to just one dirt nap.  

But the real twist in the end is we learn the Blair witch is an amateur impersonator.  She gets people to turn around and look at her by mimicking voices and making sure she chooses really dumb victims.

ADD review:  This movie is full of jump scares, shaky found footage and everything that makes a really good movie in 1999.

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Sully Tries To Explain Why Some Old Dude Turned An Airplane Into The World’s Largest Jet Ski

tom hanks from the movie sully. He is seen through an airplane window. He is standing in rough water with a dark gray sky in the background. Tom Hanks is wearing an airplane pilot's uniform. He is looking to the left and has his hand on his chest. Written below him is the name sully

The movie opens with Sully (Tom Hanks) imagining what would have happened if he crashed the plane into NYC instead of using the Hudson as a giant slip and slide.  Which made me go, “This is a smart guy because, there’s never really any parking available in Times Square.”

But once Sully gets past his senior moment, he and his co-pilot Aaron Eckhart go to a preliminary hearing with the transportation authority.  At the meeting the guys say that plane’s power was taken out by some birds who lost a game of engine chicken.  Therefore the only option they had was to turn the plane into a boat.  And that’s when the transportation authority is like, “Hold on sky cowboys.  We ran twenty computer simulations and you had enough power in the left engine to land safely in not so safe New Jersey.” 

tom hanks from sully the movie. Tom hanks is dressed in a white pilot's uniform. He has the phone up to his right ear. He has a communication device in his left ear. He has a concerned look on his face. Written meme sometimes I just think maybe I should stay away from things that fly 

Of coarse this information is shocking.  So to capitalize on our emotional investment, Clint shows us the water landing from the point of view of Sully and the air traffic controller.  Even though everyone survives, it still makes you feel like never buying a plane ticket ever again.  But that’s not the most messed up part.  This comes later when someone tells the air traffic controller, “You know the plane where you thought everyone died?  Well they actually made it and we totally forgot to tell you.  Sorry dude.”

But once that drama is over, Clint decides to show us the whole crash again from the first responders point of view.  Which is cool but it made me think, “This movie needs to have the option of fast forward.  Or Clint just needs to pay the editing department.”

clint eastwood and tom hanks from the movie sully. They are leaning on a railing. Clint eastwood has a FDNY hat, and he looks like he is talking to Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks has his arms crossed. Written meme by the way, nice job looking like Leslie Nielsen from airplane

After we see the crash again, they finally show the trial.  Initially the live simulations show that the pilots are able to land at both runways.  But that’s when Sully is like, “Hey idiots you didn’t take into account the time needed for the pilots to say, ‘You know, we’re really effed.’”  

So the transportation guys grudgingly add thirty five seconds to the simulation.  And that’s when both simulations land directly into a building.  Then the transportation guys are like, “Okay, you got us.  So let’s listen to the flight recorder and bore everyone with same exact wreck again.”  Which just made me go, “At this point I’ve seen the same wreck so many times, I feel like I’m qualified for PTSD benefits.”

ADD Movie Review:  Clint does a good job of keeping the story intense even though he had all of five minutes of source material.  You will see the same wreck three times in a row which is good news for anyone with ADD or the mind of a five year old.

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In Sausage Party We Learn Food Is Alive, Has Feelings And Curses Like A Crusty Old Sailor

poster from sausage party movie. The poster has a frank with eyes and a smile. The words on the poster are sausage party in red and a her will rise written in black

The movie starts out with a package of wieners doing their best to let the buns know they just can’t wait to get up in that.  All they are waiting for is the human gods to choose them so they can bust out of their package and make this sausage party happen.

Every food in the store has the idea that once they get chosen all their dreams will come true.  But when honey mustard gets selected and then returned he’s like, “Guess what idiots, it’s pure hell.”

sausage party the movie with a hot dog cut in half. He is split between the eyes with his mouth open. There is a lady with a knife in the background. The picture next to him is of michael phelps with a stern concentrated expression. He looks mad and concentrating. Phelps is wearing a blue hoodie with a red stripe. This is at a US mens swim meet at the olypics in rio. Written meme: not too many things worse than the michael phelps stare of death

Our hero Frank blows off this comment when he and his boys finally get put in a cart and all they can think about is getting it in.  Then the next item in the cart is an actual douche who acts like a cast member of the Jersey Shore.  Meanwhile, honey mustard gets chosen again and immediately goes to commit food suicide.  Frank and his bun girlfriend Brenda try to save honey mustard but instead make half the cart drop to the ground like a scene in Apocalypse Now.

At this point Douche is on the ground mad at Frank because he’s a damaged product no longer DTF.  But right before a fight goes down, Douche is cleaned up by The Dark Lord who is just a nerdy disgruntled employee.  And in the back while Douche is dying he gets the bright idea to juice up by drinking a dying juice box.  This gives him guns and the power to say, “Looks like it’s time to smash a little sausage.”

Fortunately, Frank and Brenda get away and pick up Sammy the Bagel and Pita who are food frenemies.  And on the way back to their food sections, Frank convinces the crew to take a little detour to the liquor section.  This is when Frank meets firewater who shows him the truth about the great beyond by getting him really high.

sausage party movie with the firewater character dressed up like an indian. twinkie has white hair and is holding a kazoo as a pipe. They are both sitting in front of a flame. Written meme: to learn the truth you must get high because this is a seth rogen movie

Meanwhile the rest of the food that made it home with the human god learns the great beyond is just a great way to die.  Luckily a wiener named Barry escapes and is able to hitch a ride to a fat human stoner’s house.  This is where Barry meets Gum who rolls out in a wheelchair like the Stephen Hawking of food.  Next they hatch a plan to take down the human gods and finally move up one notch on the food chain.

In final showdown, Barry and Gum go back to the store and make the human shoppers high on bath salts to show them food talks, sees and wears white little gloves.  As the humans are freaking the eff out, Douche takes control of The Dark Lord buy inserting himself in The Dark Lords glory hole.  But that’s when the whole store fights back and takes out Douche/The Dark Lord by making them go boom.  Then all of the food makes the rest of the humans into dead frozen treats.  And to celebrate this victory, the whole store has the best food orgy ever recorded on screen.

ADD Movie Review:  If you like sausage go see this party.  It’s wrong, the stereotypes are wrong but the movie is all good.

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