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The Nice Guys Is A 1970’s Buddy Detective Movie With A Nice Sprinkling Of Protest and Porn

The nice guys movie poster with russell crowe and ryan gosling. Yellow background with the nice guys written in big white font. russel crowe is standing with his arms folded in front of him in a blue jacket and sun glasses. Ryan gosling has a mustache with his hand on his chin. Gosling has his tie undone, has a broken arm on the left and a gun in a holster

In the Nice Guys, Russell Crowe plays a hitman for hire and Ryan Gosling plays a private dick.  Crowe and Gosling are in LA in the seventies so expect to see people who look like they just came off of a set of a Ron Jeremy porno.  There’s polyester, a little too much hair and not enough plot.

In the beginning Gosling is paid to find a girl named Amelia.  And Crowe is paid to tell Gosling, “This is not the chick you’re looking for.  And just so you get the point, now you get a broken arm.”

So Crowe thinks the job is over until he comes home to find two dudes who ask him about Amelia using only their fists.  The beating continues on until one idiot guy opens a bag in Crowe’s apartment and gets a blue paint money shot right to the face.  This is when Crow is like, “Say hello to my gun you stupid blue smurf.”

After this, Crowe is now annoyed.  So he tracks down Gosling in a bathroom right as Gosling is trying to drop a bomb.  It’s pure comedy because Gosling then draws his gun and has to keep on kicking the stall door open while his pants are down by his ankles.

ryan gosling from the nice guys sitting in a bathroom stall in a bowling alley bathroom. The stall is orange. Ryan gosling is sitting on the toilet holding a gun. He has his pants at his ankles. His left arm is broken. He is smoking a cigarette. Written meme ladies this is what happened to the dreamboat from the notebook

Eventually Gosling is persuaded to help Crowe because he really likes cash.  Next the guys go to Amelia’s protest group, which leads them to her boyfriends house and eventually to a party at a porn guys mansion.  Which is extremely seventies.

At this party Crowe interrogates people, Gosling gets drunk, and Gosling’s 13 year old daughter Angourie Rice finds Amelia proving she’s the best detective of the bunch.  But once Angourie finds Amelia, Crowe runs into the blue face bad guy.  Then Crowe is like, “Now I’m just going to kill you dead.”

So the guys find out everybody’s after Amelia because she’s made a protest movie about how Detroit is lying about car smog emissions.  And she decided to make this protest movie using a porno format.  Furthermore the head of the department of justice is trying to kill her and this person just happens to be her mother Kim Basinger.

Russell crowe and ryan gosling from the nice guys movie. Russell crowe is standing in a blue pleather jacket with his hands in his pocket. Ryan gosling is in a blue suit with an undone yellow tie. Gosling has a piece of paper in his hand. They are both in a room with leopard wall paper. Written meme so you're telling us your mom wants you dead, and her name is Kim Basinger? WTF.

So now the goal is to get that porno protest film.  As the guys go after the film, Amelia gets killed by Matt Bomer.  Then there is a big showdown at the LA auto show where Crowe beats up a whole bunch of people.   Meanwhile, Gosling gets drunk and barely recues the film from fire and oncoming traffic.

The Straight Dope:  This is a slow burning detective movie.  Gosling is great as the guy who thinks he has it all figured out, but in reality is stumbling through life like a drunk Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

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Money Monster Shows Us Greed Is Good Unless It Gets You Killed

George Clooney, Jack O'Connell and Julia Roberts in the poster for Money Monster. There is a split screen with Clooney looking stern, Jack O'connell holding a gun in the air and Julia roberts with a ear piece looking to the right. Below is a tv color bar with the words written money monster

In Money Monster we learn Wall Street’s all about crime for like the millionth time.  Yeah you’re never going to see “Wall Street: A Love Story.”

The movie starts out with George Clooney on his show Money Monster trying his best to teach everyone to be a giant Wall Street a-hole.  But almost immediately he gets interrupted by Jack O’Connell who’s delivering a personalized vest with a bomb.  He tells Clooney, “When I lost money on IBIS stock I realized your advice sucks.  IBIS didn’t go up so now you’re going to blow up.”  They Clooney’s producer Julia Roberts whispers into his earpiece, “Forget the show, you need to deal with that whole mess of crazy.”

After several tense moments Clooney finds out O’Connell lost $60,000 because he has the investing skills of Bozo The Clown.  So Clooney says he’ll give O’Connell the $60,000 but then O’Connell is like, “I’m not stupid, now I need 800 million.”  So Clooney is goes, “You’re not the only shareholder who lost money, but you are the only one with a gun.”

George Clooney from Money Moster the movie standing in front of a screen with money monster on it. George clooney is in a suit talking. JoeJcom written meme I wonder if this message is approved by trump

To fix the situation Clooney tells his audience to buy IBIS stock so the price will go up and the algorithms will start to buy.  And it looks like it is working until the stock drops like a rock.  Then Clooney goes, “Ok lets find that bastard CEO.”

But at this moment Clooney learns the police are prepared to detonate his bomb vest by shooting him on live TV.  Then Clooney tells O’Connell it’s time to take a little walk to see that slime of a CEO.  But on their way O’Connell goes, “I hate to tell you this, but your vest has the explosive power of play-doh.”  And then Clooney is like, “At this point I don’t care because we’re still going to that CEO you freaking moron.”

George Clooney from Money Monster the movie. Wearing a tie with a bomb vest. George Clooney is looking down, raising his eybrows and has his mouth is a dissatisfied look. Effin Funny Review written meme sucks to find out my bomb vest is sctually made out of low grade play-doh

In the final interview everyone learns the CEO Dominic West has been traveling to South Africa to move a stock up and down by inciting worker strikes.  And that’s when O’Connell takes Clooney’s vest off and goes, “Ok CEO now it’s your turn to wear the vest that goes boom.”  But once the CEO confesses to his crime O’Connell drops the detonator and gets shot dead.  Fortunately Clooney survives and is able to recover in the hospital with Julia Roberts and his big puppy dog eyes.

The Straight Dope:  This movie is an intense ride from the beginning.  So be prepared to walk out of the theater like you just worked a full day.

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In Captain America: Civil War We Learn If Superheroes Show Up To Your Town, You Probably Want To Move

In Captain America: Civil War Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr. fight over signing a piece of paper.  Robert Downey Jr. goes, “This paper gives the UN power to put our team in check.  And I’d appreciate it if you’d sign and not be a little bitch”  And Evans is like, “Forget the paper Ironboy, what you need to check is your mouth.”

From the beginning 0f the movie the team is told by the government, “Thanks for the help but stop acting like a Hulk in a china shop.  To stop one bad guy you don’t need to destroy a whole frickin city.”

So the team gets divided on who’s going to sign the paper.  And of coarse Captain America refuses to sign like a toddler who doesn’t get ice cream.  But maybe he’s right because at the UN signing party it looks like Bucky the Winter Soldier presents them with a gift of a bomb.

That’s when Chadwick Boseman, Scarlett Johansson and Evans go after Bucky.  This is the first time we see Boseman in the Black Panther costume which looks cool until you realize that’s a dude with fingernails jumping around in leather.

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This chase goes on and on until Bucky tries to escape in a helicopter.  But fortunately Evans is there to grab the helicopter, then curl it back down to the helipad and give the camera a look like, “Welcome to the gun show.”

So now Bucky is caught.  But he escapes really quickly when the resident weirdo of the movie Daniel Bruhl activates him with what sounds like Russian for Dummies. Once Bucky is loose, the teams really split up.  Robert Downey Jr. drafts Spiderman.  And Evans picks up Ant Man who is like the drunk uncle of superheroes.

Next, there is a big fight between team Captain America and team Iron Man.  A break out star of the fight is Spiderman who loves to use his web and make comments like, “Hey Cap what’s with the shield, that thing doesn’t obey any law of physics.”

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And the other star is Ant Man who gets to go from tiny to giant size while giving everyone some serious smack talk.

In the end we find out that this whole civil war was set up by Daniel Bruhl so he could see the Avengers destroy each other in a brand new city.  It kind of works because at the end of the movie Robert Downey Jr. gets a letter from Evans going, “So we’re not on good terms, but if you need me and my team just give us a call.  And by the way, you can also give me a call if you want to let me know I was right.”

The Straight Dope.  By far the best comedy comes from Robert Downey Jr., Spiderman (Tom Holland) and Ant Man (Paul Rudd).   But it’s important to realize with all that comedy comes a massive amount of destruction which gives everyone a property value of zero.

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Keanu Proves Gang Members Are Scary But Cat People Are Just Straight Up Crazy

When Key and Peele thought up Keanu they must have been like, “For our first movie let’s mash up ganstas and cats.”  Which is a weird mix because in the movie theater you usually don’t see people flying gang colors sitting next to people wearing a cat shirt of desperation.

The movie starts out with Keanu the kitten dodging bullets in a drug lab like a big furry boss.  He gets out of the lab and then runs all the way to Peele’s doorstep and straight into his heart.  

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Now everything is going great until Keanu gets stolen.  So Key and Peele decide to go after him like Liam Neeson in Taken 1,2,3.  And the first place they go is right next door to Peele’s drug dealer played by Will Forte and his co-star of white boy corn rows.  And Forte is like, “Aww dude, you’re looking for Cheddar (Method Man) and his gang bangers who thought your place was mine and then treated your apartment like a tossed salad.  You can find him and Keanu in his stronghold located in a strip club called HPV.”

Luckily when Key and Peele meet Method Man they see Keanu.  And instantly Key is like, “Dude we just happen to be in the market for a gangster pet.”  Method Man is caught off guard first but then is like, “Alright, you look like those Allentown boys who shot up that drug lab.  If you do a job for me, I’ll give you the kitten and then we’ll truly find out if you’re not a pair of dweebs.”

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So now they go on a drug run.  Peele gets to sell drugs to Anna Farris while Key tries to act all hard with the homies in his minivan.  Which becomes really difficult when Key’s playlist gets to George Michael.  And when one of the gang members says, “Is he black?”  Key is like, “Well, he is a little light skinned.”

Fortunately the deal is a success, which means one of the gang members makes Anna Farris and her friends really dead.  After the job Peele is shaken up and wants to go, but Key is like, “Let’s stay.  I’m kind of into the whole gangster talk and gangster walk.”  But this is when Key gets peer pressured into trying crack which makes him hallucinate like he’s shaking his booty with George Michael’s as he sings Faith.

Eventually Method Man figures out Key and Peele are not the gangsters he’s looking for.  But Method Man doesn’t care and just takes the guys to Luis Guzman to turn them in as the people who killed his drug lord cousin.  Instantly there is a big gun battle and a car chase which ends up with Key and Peele finally getting Keanu and the consolation prize of six months in jail.

The Straight Dope:  Key is the best part of the movie with lines like “wordness to the turdness.”  And if you are not satisfied with that, just enjoy the cutest kitten ever.

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The Huntsman: Winter’s War Is Less Of A War And More Of A Squabble Over A Bastard Mirror

The Huntsman: Winter’s War is about how Chris Hemsworth and his lady take on evil queens with only an axe.  You know this is a fairy tale because when a dude fights magic with an axe, he usually just straight up dies.

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In the Huntsman, Hemsworth and Jessica Chastain are trained to kill for Emily Blunt who has the power to turn things into ice and be a real witch.  She started doing this parlor trick when she lost her baby and was like, “Everything is becoming ice because I’m going to be pissed for the next forty years.”

So Blunt’s first rule in her kingdom is to outlaw love.  But Hemsworth and Chastain take one look at each other and are like, “Love sounds better than that chick who is 50 shades of crazy.”  But when the lovebirds try to escape Blunt makes Hemsworth think Chastaine is dead.  Then she’s like, “Hey muscles get out of here with your stripper body covered in leather and sweat.”

Seven years later Hemsworth gets pulled back into fighting the ice queen when he learns she is after that tacky mirror mirror on the wall.  So he sets off to find the mirror with two dwarves.  In no time the boys get into trouble and they are saved by Chastain.  Hemsworth is shocked and is like, “Nice fighting for a dead girl.”  She answers back quickly by knocking him the eff out.  When he wakes up he tries to explain how Blunt tricked them but she’s like, “Am I going to believe the woman or the playboy in pleather?”

But they concentrate on the mission at hand and set off to get the mirror.  And in the process they pick up two female dwarves who provide some of the best comedy of the movie when we get to see a medieval little people you’re so ugly battle.

Eventually the crew get it together and steal the mirror from what’s supposed to be a scary goblin sanctuary.  The problem is these goblins are dark black with gold leaf on their shoulders which makes them look more like back up dancers for Cirque De Soleil.

Once the crew gets the mirror, the ice queen takes it and commands Chastain to shoot Hemsworth in the chest.  This fools almost everyone under the age of five.  Immediately after the queen is gone Hemsworth pops back up and says, “She hit me in my medallion.  She really does love me.”

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In the end battle, Charlize Theron comes out of the mirror.  That’s when there is a queen on queen on huntsman cage match.  As Blunt learns of her sisters treachery she freezes the mirror which allows Hemsworth to destroy it with his axe.  Cementing his status in Hollywood as the number one actor who can play any role as long as it has a hand weapon.

The Straight Dope:  This movie has evil queens, axe fights and magically disappearing Scottish accents.  This movie is perfect if you like your Lord Of The Rings really watered down.

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Meet The Blacks Has The Thrills Of The Purge Mixed With The Comedy Stylings Of Booty Call

In Meet The Blacks Mike Epps takes a drug dealer’s money and goes, “Yep, time to buy that mansion in Beverly Hills.  Family we’re moving to a place where they don’t purge because they’re just too busy counting their cash and getting botox.”

But even in Beverly Hills Epps runs into an African guy outside his front door who wants to purge him because Epps wired his restaurant like crap. And Epps is like, “Dude you need to find somewhere else to point that ebola finger.”

Once Epps gets past the African dude, he sees George Lopez on the TV warning everyone about the purge as president El Bama.  Lopez is like, “No one is safe, not even you Jay Leno.  You better pick a fast car MFer.”

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Epps finally accepts the purge is on when his daughter’s boyfriend says hello by making him dance with a bullet.  But the boyfriend is bad at shooting and just ends up falling off of a balcony to become a human pancake.  Then Epps is like, “Ok, maybe it’s time for that panic room.”

Next the president of the home owners association Gary Owen shows up to the front door to purge Epps and his family.  Apparently Owen is upset that Epps doesn’t really have a credit score of 14,000.  And to pay back Epps, Owen has sent an invitation to every thug in Chicago.

The first person Epps runs into is Keyflo the drug dealer played by Juilliard great Charlie Murphy.  Murphy is like, “It’s one thing to take my money, but it’s another majorly effed up thing to walk off with my space heater.  I think I’m going to have to add some new colors to my jacket like brown and red.”  And all Epps can say is, “Whoever gave you that jacket is not your friend.”  Then Epps charges Murphy and gives him a clothes hook to the head.

After that adventure Epps walks into another room to find a demented Mike Tyson with hair taped to the side of his head looking like bozo the clown.

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Tyson gets up close to Epps and lisps, “You never paid for your son’s platinum party package.”  And then Epps is like, “Man your breath smells like adult toys.”  That’s when Tyson gives him a beating until Epps cousin Cronut takes out a drill and gives Tyson’s dome a few vents for air conditioning.

But in the end Epps and his family survive.  They leave Beverly Hills and buy a nice cabin in the woods right next to a white dude who likes to carry a knife and dress up in a hockey mask.

The Straight Dope:  This movie has the same laughs and feel of that comedy classic Booty Call.  The non-stop cameos will make you laugh, especially the all star performance by Tyson the Clown.

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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Is A Woman’s Journey To Find Herself In Super Ghetto Afghanistan

In Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Tina Fey plays a reporter who’s told if you like your job then you’re really going to love moving to Afghanistan.  And the next thing she knows, she’s looking out the window like, “Yep, I’m in effin Kabul.  I know this because there are way too many goats.”

The moment Tina gets to Kabul Margot Robbie tells her, “I’m also a reporter and I would like to take your bodyguard in that room for a little game of Taliban sheet shuffle.”  And Tina is like, “Great.  I have a boyfriend and that guy’s a giant Australian tool.”

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But pretty much right after this, Tina gets sent on a mission with our military’s best and brightest who is played by General Billy Bob Thornton.  Once they encounter some hostiles the military guys are like, “Ma’am, stay in the vehicle.  This is a direct order from General Bad Santa.”  This is when Tina goes, “Sitting in this Humvee sucks.  I’m pretty sure bullets can hit my press badge.”  So she runs up to the fight and films the military using an $80,000 rocket to take out a couple of dudes in a pickup.  Way to go military.

Now after that adrenaline rush, Tina does a lot of partying and eventually hooks up with a Scottish reporter played by Martin Freeman.  But every time she hooks up with him she’s wakes up going, “Wow, I just keep on making the same mistake.  And by the way Scottish dude, it’s really not cool to use my toothbrush.”  But Freeman doesn’t care because he’s still able to win her over even though his voice has the romantic quality of Scottish bagpipes.

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But drama soon happens when Tina learns Margot is after her job and Freeman gets captured by the bad guys.  Fortunately Tina is able to convince General Thornton to take out a whole group of Taliban just to save one Scottish boy toy.

Once she has her man back Tina says, “That was scary.  Why don’t you come back to the states with me?”  And Freeman is like, “Yeah, I think I’ll take my chances here.  A bomb is way less scary than a house with a picket fence.”

The Straight Dope:  This movie has funny parts.  But to get to these parts you’ve got to eat, pray and love while wearing your steel magnolia traveling pants.

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Triple 9 Is A Star Studded Suspense Thriller In Which Almost Everyone Dies

In Triple 9 a bunch of cops get in bed with the Russian mafia which is like waking up next to a shirtless Putin.  Yeah, no matter how you look at that situation it’s about ten times worse than the walk of shame.    And the leader of the mafia Kate Winslet doesn’t make it any easier when she goes, “You do job or you end up like human caviar.”

Now the cops get in this mess when Chiwetel Ejiofor is like, “I need my son back from the Russian mafia.  You cops need money.  So why don’t we be dirty together?”  And Ejiofor has to do this job because Winslet is using his son as collateral and an excuse to be a giant witch.

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So the cops figure to have enough time to do the Russian job they need to shoot a cop across town to create a police code called a triple 9.  Which is just a level above a triple 8 which means the “hot now” sign is on at Krispy Kreme.

Casey Affleck is the unfortunate target of the triple 9.  And Anthony Mackie’s job is to be a dirty cop who gives Affleck an unneeded  dose of led.   But the wrench in the plan is Woody Harrelson who is trying to figure out why this group of dirty cops thinks it’s fun to play with commie bastards.

But when the triple 9 finally goes down Mackie develops a conscious.  And that’s when he takes Afflecks bullet and ends up with a new skylight to the dome.

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While this is happening Ejiofor and Clifton Collins  Jr. complete the Russian job.  Then everyone starts getting really dead.  Ejiofor blows up Winslet in her car.  Then Collins Jr. takes out Ejiofor.  And finally Collins Jr. gets bum rushed by Woody.  Which leaves Affleck going, “Man, writing this police report is really going to suck.”

The Straight Dope: If you get confused by all the characters and motive in the movie just remember one thing, almost everyone dies.  So don’t care too much.

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The Witch Excels At Making You Go, “WTF!”

The Witch is about a family from the 1600’s who is exiled to a farm near a giant forest of death.  And almost immediately when the family gets to the farm things get whacky.  The first thing that happens is the eldest girl Anya Taylor-Joy loses the baby of the family proving she really sucks at her job.  But the weird part is, there’s no search party,  just the father of the family Ralph Ineson saying, “Oh well, I guess that baby’s lost to the woods.”  Yeah, that’s it you crazy pilgrim.

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Then the twins of the family start talking to a goat named Black Phillip.  Which even in the 1600’s is pretty racist for a goat.  But to scare the kids from talking to the evil goat, Anya Taylor-Joy tells them she’s a witch and witched away the baby with her witchy woman ways.  Not a good idea when talk like that makes you the entertainment at the next witch barbeque.

While all this drama is going on, the family’s tween boy Caleb goes to the woods to get some animal pelts to sell.  But the problem is every time he goes into the woods all he sees is this really annoying bunny of death.  That’s right.  The movie actually tries to make a bunny evil by giving it more menacing close ups than a Kim Kardashian selfie.

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But the weirdness picks up  again when the tween Caleb runs into a witch’s house and is seduced PG-13 style.  This means he gets a sloppy kiss, the screen goes black and then Ana Taylor-Joy finds him in the rain naked as a jaybird.

Shortly after Caleb is found he dies.  Then Anya Taylor-Joy and the twins get accused of being witches.  So the obvious solution for this witch problem is for Ineson to nail all of them shut in the pen with Black Phillip.  Nice idea until Black Phillip gives Ineson a gut check with both horns.  Then the mother of the family accuses Anya Taylor-Joy of being the witch who caused all this drama.  So Ana Taylor is like, “You want to play that way, then here’s a knife to the face.  Come to think of it maybe I’m a witch after all.”

The Straight Dope:  This movie’s about as scary as a trip to Colonial Williamsburg on Halloween.  You pay your money, get to the end of the movie and go, “Wow, that was effin weird.”

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Zoolander 2: It’s the New Zoo Review

Zoolander 2 brings us back to the world of a complete fashion idiot.  Man, the last time we had a Zoolander movie the typical guy thought fashion was a nice pair of dockers.

In the new movie Derek and Hansel are lured out of a retirement to walk a runway in Rome and dust off the old Blue Steel.  But things have changed for Derek and Hansel because the runway show is actually being held at a toxic waste dump.  On top of that Derek and Hansel are forced to wear stickers that say “my name is old” and “my name is lame.”  Then just for fun they get whipped by Benedict Cumberbatch who plays an uber creepy guy/girl model named All.  You know, just your typical fashion week runway show.

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Next the boys get picked up by Penelope Cruz who is Interpol fashion police.  She wants to know why Justin Bieber did blue steel right before he was killed and became a permanent part of the sidewalk.    So of coarse Derek and Hansel volunteer to help and end up making things way worse.

That is until the three of them meet Sting in a church who tells them, “You may not know this but in the beginning there was Adam, Eve and the first male model Steve.  And rock stars like me have been protecting Steve’s descendants because they are the actual fountain of youth.  To get at this fountain all you need to do is drink their blood and kill them dead.  By the way Derek your long lost son is the new Steve.  And he really hates you because you think father son time is going to a male thong shoot.”

Now Mugatu comes into the story when he escapes from jail and promises to give the top fashion designers the blood of Steve.  So of coarse Derek and Hansel take it upon themselves to stop Mugatu in the dumbest way possible.

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Like at one point Derek tries to stop a blade in mid-air with blue steel and ends up getting a satisfying knife to the face.  But when Mugatu pulls out a bomb, Derek, Hansel, Sting and Derek’s son band together to stop it with a new look called the El Nino.  Which apparently makes the explosive go off like a giant Rip Taylor glitter bomb.

The Straight Dope:  It seems like old fashion always comes back into style.  This is not true for this movie.  You’ll laugh at parts but the real gems of this movie are the scenes with Neil DeGrasse Tyson and watching Bieber go six feet under.

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