ADD Movie Review: We finally get an action packed prequel that explains why the Death Star blows up like it was built by a five year old. But I’m warning you don’t get too attached to anyone in this movie because, chances are they’ll just end up dead as a door nail.
Review For People Who Have An Attention Span Greater Than A Gnat: In Rogue one Jyn (Feliciy Jones) and Cassian (Diego Luna) go to the Jedi Holy city and find out the Empire is fiending on Khyber crystal like some ghetto crack head. And the reason the Empire is jonesing on this crystal is to fuel up the Death Star so that they can make everyone really dead.
While Jyn and Cassian are in the holy city, they meet Chirrut Imwe (Donnie Yen) and his partner Baze Malbus (Jiang Wen) during a nice Sunday afternoon rebel uprising. Jyn is good at fighting, Baze is good at shooting and Chirrut is good at kicking ass while being totally blind.
Once the fight is over Jyn, Cassian, Chirrut and Baze are taken to Saw Gerrera (Forest Whitaker) who plays an out of breath broke down Mad Max extra. And this is when Jyn learns her father just happens to be a bastard who help build the Death Star. But her father tells her, “Before you get too mad, I also put in a secret reactor to make the giant spaceball go boom.”
So now all our heroes need to do is convince the rebels the reactor exists, steal the plans for the Death Star, and then blow it up with some untested yokel farm boy.
But unfortunately once Jyn gets this information, the Death Star lights up the Jedi holy city like frickin’ roman candle. Luckily all of our hero’s escape mainly because they have a fast ship and it’s only half way into the movie.
Once our heroes get to the rebel base, they explain now all they need to do is steal the plans for the Death Star on a heavily guarded tropical planet. And the rebel council is like, “Jedi please, that’s frickin’ suicide.”
So now our heroes are forced to get some ragtag rebels and go straight after the Death Star plans on their own. They think it’s a good idea to roll on over to the Imperial base with twenty rebels against a whole planet of armed dudes dressed in white.
Amazingly, Jyn and Cassian get the plans. That’s when the rebel forces decide to help and start shooting anything that moves. In the coolest scene of the movie the rebels ram a star destroyer through the planet’s shield. This allows Jyn to transmit the plans before the Death Star turns the Imperial base into the worst tropical vacation ever.
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