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Passengers Lets Us Know If You’re A Dude Stranded Alone In Space Your Best Option Is To “Accidentally” Wake Up The Hot A-List Actress

ADD review:  In Passengers a giant spaceship hits a huge rock which then opens the sleeping pod of Gaurdian of the Galaxy Chris Pratt.  Unfortunately he is woken up years before he’s supposed arrive at his destination.  That’s when he’s like, “Looks like it’s time to break open Jennifer Lawrence’s pod.  Then, all I need to do is not tell her I woke her up for the next 90 years.”

written on the left the words doesn't blow. There is a yellow smiley face with a engaged look on his face. Next to the smiley face are the words audience laughs: and next to that is a bar graph with the scale of meh, LOLHOTT (laugh out loud half of the time), and bust a gut. The graph has a little yellow coloring at the meh level

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

Passengers opens with a spaceship transporting people in stasis to a new planet just so they can pollute it.  Suddenly the ship hits a space rock bigger than Donald Trump’s ego.  Computer errors happen and then Chris Pratt is woken up 90 years too soon…

PRATT

Hey computer why are you such a dick.  I’ve got ninety years to go which means my new home is going to be a coffin.

COMPUTER

Sir, you can send a message to fix me but just realize the reply won’t come back for another 55 years.  So you can just suck it.

PRATT

Well in that case, I’m going to live like a king and have a patron party for one.

Months later:

ROBOT BARTENDER – MICHAEL SHEEN

I may be a robot but I’m pretty sure nobody wants to find your dead carcass in my bar.

PRATT

Come on dude, I’ve done everything on this ship and I’m really freakin’ board. The only other cool thing I could do is wake up that super hot chick named Jennifer Lawrence.

ROBOT BARTENDER – MICHAEL SHEEN

Do whatever you like.  My only request is to resolve this whole hippy pantsless issue.

More months later:

PRATT

Ok bartender, if a hot girl walks into the bar, please don’t tell her I’m the creepy dude who opened her pod.

Later on Pratt and Lawrence finally meet.

PRATT

No pressure or anything, but I’ve been alone for the past year so just tell me when it’s time to get down to business.

LAWRENCE

I just woke up. And Ewww.

PRATT

I get your hint.  Let’s go get drunk at a nice bar that plays a whole lot of Barry White.

More moths later Pratt and Lawrence finally fall in love.  But this all gets ruined when the bartender lets Lawrence know Pratt is the bastard who stalked her sleeping pod.

LAWRENCE

Hey God’s gifts to no one, just realize hell hath no fury like a woman who wakes you up by punching you in the face.

PRATT

Well that secret lasted all of one month.

jennifer lawrence and chris pratt from passengers. Jennifer lawrence is sitting at a table looking distant. She has a tray of food in front of her. Chris pratt is walking up cautiously. He is looking sideways at jennifer lawrence. They are in a futuristic cafeteria on a spaceship

Then the computer malfunctions and wakes up crew member Laurence Fishburne.

FISHBURNE

So we’ve established that Pratt is an A-hole.  But let’s put this aside because this ship is going to blow and we need to fix it with absolutely no technical training at all.

PRATT

Sounds great.  I’ll do a space walk and then manually hold open a door to vent the hot plasma.  And I’ll protect myself with this random hunk of metal.

In the end Pratt saves the ship.  Then Lawrence saves Pratt.  Then they just decide to live out the rest of their lives eating everyone else’s food.

Gas guage dark grey with light grey background. The needle is red pointing to the number 1/2. Written next the gas gauge is how full the theater was on opening day. Comic Popcorn Theater Gas Gauge

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The Magnificent Seven Is A Slow Burn Shoot ‘Em Up Western With The Emphasis On The Word Slow

the magnificent seven poster with the words magnificent seven written in gold on a white background. Denzel washington, chris pratt, manuel garcia-rulfo, ethan hawke, lee byung-hun, vincent D'Onofrio, and Martin Sensmeier are in cowboy clothes standing between the letters of the words magnificent seven

The Magnificent Seven opens with Peter Sarsgaard and his henchmen burning down a church, killing some townsfolk and then offering to buy their land for the princely sum of twenty dollars.  Which made me say, “The only way you can make Sarsgaard more evil is by giving him a wicked laugh and a curly mustache.”

peter sarsgaard from the magnificent seven movie. He is wearing a dark gray jacket with a cowboy hat. He has a tan vest with a chain. He has a tie with a diamond in it. He is wearing a gun belt. Written meme in case you are wondering, this is my wild west evil dude pose

Meanwhile a couple of towns over Denzel Washington goes into a bar that looks like it is straight out of a Hollywood set.  Denzel then strikes up a conversation with the bartender and then fills the the guy full of lead.  Then Denzel says, “Relax wild west patrons I’m a warrant officer and I have a piece of paper that says I can kill more people than usual.”

Fortunately Haley Bennett witnesses the gunfight and convinces Denzel to save Rose Creek from Sarsgaard the Terrible.  And Denzel’s next move is to recruit Chris Pratt by telling him, “If you come on a job with me that has a 99 percent chance of death, I’ll buy you a horse.”  Which made say, “That’s like the worst sales pitch ever.”

Anyway, from here Denzel and Pratt start collecting five other fools who don’t like to live.  And these guys are real pieces of work.  They get Manuel Garcia Rulfo who is a Machete Lite, Ethan Hawke who is a gunfighter with PTSD, Lee Byung-hun who is a martial arts cowboy, Vincent D’Onofrio who is a stinky bear of a man and Martin Sensmeier who is a don’t eff with me Comanche warrior.  And for some reason all these guys go, “Sure, we’ll help as long as their is a good chance we’re all going to die.”

the magnificent seven movie with denzel washington leaning against a fence with the right arm propped up on the fence post. He is dressein all black with a cowboy hat. He has a gun belt with a gun on. Chris pratt is next to him dressin brown trowsers and a white shirt and brown vest. He has a cowboy hat and a bandana scarf. He has a gun belt with a gun. Written meme anyway you slice it, the band of dudes we've got is less magnificent and more like a collection of wild west weirdos

Finally once the seven reach Rose Creek, they instantly turn Sarsgaard’s security force into an undertaker’s wildest dream.  There’s so many people dead, Denzel and the boys start bragging about their body counts.  But their joy is short lived when they realize now they get deal with Sarsgaard and his dirty cowboy army.

So the seven booby trap the town with explosives and townsfolk who can’t shoot the side of a barn.  The cool thing is when Sarsgaard’s army attacks they get very decimated.  Then Sarsgaard is like, “Enough playing around, say hello to my little friend the gatling gun.”  And that’s when the body count goes up so quick, that I thought they were going to tally up how many people died on the screen.  

But fortunately the gatling gun is taken out by our idiotic hero Chris Pratt.  He literally walks up to it and blows it up with a stick of Jimmy Walker dyn-o-mite.

 jimmy walker with a blue hat and red shirt. holding his finger up with a lit fuse. The words dyn-o-mite are written in yellow. Jimmie walker in a fuse like writing is connecting to the word dyn-o-mite

Once the gun is taken out, Sargaard goes mano y mano with Denzel and then gets taken out with a satisfying shotgun to the head.

ADD review: The fight scenes are good as long as you can get through the whole “we need to have motivation for what we are doing” parts.

gas guage for comicpopcorn. Gray with white numbers and a red needle. the red needle is pointing to 1/4 full. Written next to the gas guage is how full the theater was on opening day

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Jurassic World Shows Us that Making A Designer Dino Is A Jurassic Mistake

So they made Jurassic World which is also know as “Smart Dino Kills Dumb Human 4.”  Come on people, even Disney realized, “Hey, maybe I should call it quits with creepy robot Lincoln.”

But in Jurassic World they need to boost attendance.  So they create a super dino with the body of a T-Rex and the mind of a raptor.   My first thought was, this is not going to end well.

stephen_hawking_dino

Hey guys maybe you want to take some baby steps and give the dino the mental power of Magic Mike. Then you can charge extra for watching him work the stripper pole.

godzilla_strippter_pole

Fortunately Chris Pratt is able to track down the dangerous dino Indominus Rex.  But when I saw Pratt and his raptors chasing after Indominus I thought, now would be a good time to pull out the awesome mix.  Maybe play a little Walk the Dinosaur.

But the reason Indominus is so bad is because he’s a military experiment. We don’t get learn this until he destroys half of the park. But at least Jurassic World keeps up with the theme as the most unhappy place on earth.

The Straight Dope: Jurassic World is one of those movies where you’re just waiting for some idiot to screw up. Then a really good vacation turns into the worse review on Yelp. My advice is see the movie but never ever, ever, ever go to the park.

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