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The Accountant Is A Movie About What Happens When They Run Out Of Ideas For A New Bourne

Ben Affleck from the movie the Accountant. He is in a suit with a tie wearing glasses. He is holding his lunch in a tupperware container. He has a badge on. He is looking off in the distance

When I went to the theater to buy a ticket for The Accountant, I just wanted to see if they’d say, “Thanks a lot sucker.  What kind of idiot thinks Hollywood would make a movie about a killer accountant?” But to my surprise they made the movie and made me thirteen dollars poorer.

In this movie Ben Affleck stars as an autistic killer who’s torn between opening an excel spreadsheet and opening a giant hole in somebody’s neck.

the accountant movie with Ben Affleck. He is in front of a white board looking pensive. He is wearing glasses with his collar undone and wearing a tie. There are numbers on the whiteboard. Written meme did I forget to carry the one or shoot that guy in the head

And his skill set is valuable for any client who likes run their business from cell block four.  But for a change of pace Affleck takes a job to investigate accounting irregularities at John Lithgow’s life sciences company.  Which is about as sexy as watching a real accountant do his job.

Now while all of this non-excitement is going on, J.K. Simmons the director of the treasury gets a bug up his butt and decides to go after Batman Ben the Accountant.  Simmons sends agent Cynthia Addai-Robinson to hunt down Affleck for like the whole freaking movie.  And the kicker is she never actually meets him.  Which made me say, “Nice way to create the movie tension of a wet noodle.”

Fortunately the excitement picks up when Affleck investigates Lithgow’s company and falls in puppy love with Anna “Pitch Perfect” Kendrick.  But no matter what she does, their relationship only advances to the sexual spark of sixth grade Sadie Hawkins dance.

the accountant movie with anna kendrick and ben affleck. Anna is in a jacket looking at Ben Affleck's shirt pocket. Ben Affleck has a pocket protector with pens in his pocket. He is wearing a suit, and has glasses on. he is looking at anna kendrick. Written meme Mental note: This guy is reaaally into protection

Eventually, Affleck finds out Lithgow is stealing money from his own company and then putting it back in.  Lithgow is doing this so that he can take the company public and become yet another billionaire bastard CEO.

The twist to the whole movie is Lithgow hires Affleck’s brother Jon Bernthal to take out his best friend, his sister and Affleck the serial killer spreadsheet savant.  But things don’t quite work out for Lithgow in the end.  Affleck shoots Lithgow in the head and then calmly says to his brother, “Sorry about that.  Why don’t we get together next week?”

ADD Movie Review:  When you mix an accountant with an emotionless killer all you really get is Batman’s much less successful brother.

gas guage for comicpopcorn. Gray with white numbers and a red needle. the red needle is pointing to 1/4 full. Written next to the gas guage is how full the theater was on opening day

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Batman v Superman Is So Dark It’s Like It Was Written By An Emo Internet Troll

Batman v Superman is a tale of two dudes who disagree on everything even their choice in superhero spanx.  Yeah, Superman is more of a summer and Batman likes the depressed emo black.

In this movie Ben Affleck plays Batman who feels Superman has way too much power and not enough respect for a grown man who likes to dress up like a bat.

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Affleck figures the only way to kill this superhuman jerk is to get some bomb ass kryptonite.  And he sees his chance to get the kryptonite when Jesse Eisenberg (Lex Luthor) tries to transport it in a truck.  To get to this truck Affleck takes out several henchmen and then just drives his batmobile straight through the side of a building like butter.  But then that killjoy Superturd shows up and turns his little batcar into a permanent part of the street.  Then Superman says,  “Hey mental patient, when you see that batsignal that’s your cue to sit the eff down.”

To fuel Batman’s hatred of Superman, Eisenberg and Senator Holly Hunter invite Superman to stand trial for destroying way too much stuff.  But for some reason Superman thinks it’s cool to show up in court in his blue and red costume.  Yeah, nothing says professional like coming to court in a cape.  But as soon as Superman gets to court, Eisenberg decides to blow the whole place up and make everyone really dead.

Meanwhile Affleck finally steals the kryptonite.  Then he creates kryptonite weapons and bulks up by doing pulls ups with a dirty tire and a janky chain.  Making you think, “Dude you’re worth a billion dollars, why do you need to work out like Rocky Balboa?”

It’s all worth it when Affleck puts on his kick ass batsuit, turns on the bat signal and goes, “Let’s see who’s the little B now.”  But the only reason Superman goes to fight Affleck is because Eisenberg kidnaps Superman’s mother and tells him he needs to fight Affleck like it’s the Thunderdome.

batman_v_superman

At first Superman tries to reason with Affleck.  But when Affleck refuses to listen, Superman starts tossing him around like a little girl.  But that’s when Affleck shoots Superman with kryptonite gas and gives him a bathroom sink to the dome.  Before Affleck stabs Superman with a kryptonite spear, Superman says, “He’s going to kill Martha.”  That’s when Affleck totally freaks out and goes, “Dude I didn’t know our mothers had the same name.  Maybe you’re not a bad guy after all.”

So now Batman goes to save Superman’s mother and Superman goes to make Eisenberg’s day really suck.  But that’s when Eisenberg releases a monster who looks a lot like a big rip off of the hulk.  But the monster only dies when Superman stabs him in the heart with the kryptonite spear.  That’s when we are lead to believe Superman is dead.  But you only believe this if you’re under the age of ten.

The Straight Dope:  If you can make it past the moody, broody parts in the beginning then you are treated to some nice uplifting scenes of crazy fights and over the top explosions.

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More Effin Funny Reviews at effinfunnyreview.com.