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Rings Has A Horror Movie Concept About As Fresh As A Moldy Tape From A Well

ADD Review:  Samara is back with the same tired old video from 2002.  People watch it and then somehow they get a phone call death from a landline.  Which makes you go, “I guess the whole movie doesn’t work if everyone just screens her call or ignores her text.”

image that says blows with a yellow smiley face. smiley face as a shocked look. There is a bar graph with the label audience laughs. The ranges are meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The meter is set on Meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

Set up:  Holt (Alex Roe) watches a video on his computer and contracts the virus called little moldy girl from the well is going to kill you in seven days.  Once this happens, he becomes MIA and his long distance girlfriend Julia (Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) gets freaked the eff out.  So she goes to his college and then to his class with teacher and resident creeper Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.


Hey Professor Leonard, I’m looking for my boy toy named Holt.


Can’t say I’ve seen him, but that does remind me I need to rush off to my secret lab where I expose students to Samara’s video of death.

Julia stealthily follows Leonard and learns Holt watched Samara’s video with a bitch named Skye (Aimee Teegarden).  That’s when Julia gets the claws out and goes to Skye’s apartment to open up a can of whoop ass like it’s 2002.


Chick, I know what you’re thinking but let’s discuss after I show you a super awesome video about a dead girl climbing out of a well.

While Skye loads up the video, Julia picks up Skye’s phone and then just starts texting with Holt.  

HOLT (via text)

Babe, don’t look at the video.  Because if you do, then you’ll totally get a call and die in seven days.

JULIA (via text)

Holt that is a new level of stupid even for you.

HOLT (via text)

Whatever babe, just tell her you have to go to the bathroom to drop a bomb.

But once Julia goes to the bathroom Skye gets a visit from the Samara the wet blanket.  Oh yeah, Samara comes out from an unplugged TV and then turns Skye into a human California raisin with a permanent o-face.   

rings the movie with bonnie morgan dressed up as samara. she has dark hair, white face and a mean look on her face. Written meme: tinder profile: I like long walks on the beach, cold baths, and jumping out of TV's to kill mutheffers

Holt walks in.


Holt I stand corrected, that bitch is real and she makes your skin really gross.


Babe, the bad part is that’s going to be me unless I can find another sucker to watch that video.  So I’m going to take a nap and please don’t accidentally watch the pre-loaded video labeled Julia please watch this.

But of course Julia watches the video.  And then Holt brings her to Professor Leonard.


Hey professor dude, there’s a problem.  Her file won’t copy.


Well maybe it’s because her video has a whole bunch of extra non-scary scenes.


Professor, I think these are scenes of Samara’s mother.  And all we need to do is follow the clues in the video to dig up Samara’s grave and then set her free by burning her bones in a giant bonfire.


Sounds reasonable to me even though to make that conclusion you had to jump about 50 sharks.

rings with jonny galecki and matilda anna ingrid lutz. Matilda is looking at a computer trying to copy a file. Galecki is looking at her with a quizzical look. Written meme: you're really hot for a chick who's gonna die in seven days

Then Holt and Julia break into Samara’s creepy unmarked grave get caught by uber weirdo blind priest Vincent D’Onofrio.


Nice job finding her grave.  But she’s not buried there, she’s buried out in a field.


Thanks, that’s information that will help us burn fifteen more minutes of screen time.

So Holt and Julia go on the wild goose chase.  And when they don’t find anything, Holt falls asleep again.  Then Julia decides to search for Samara’s mother on her own in the middle of the freaking night.  And like and idiot Julia goes back to the blind priest.


I totally figured it out, Samara’s mother was captured by somebody very close to the church.


Seriously, even I can figure out this one and I’m totally blind.  Let me spell it out.  I did it.  I am Samara’s father.  Now let’s get on with the killing.

But Samara has other plans.  She kills D’Onofrio so that Julia can survive.  Then Samara takes over Julia’s body and sends a group email spam of her very unscary video.


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The 5th Wave Is The Final Wave Before The Wayans Bros Make “Not Another Teen Girl Saves The Planet”

In The 5th Wave aliens attack the earth and our only hope for survival is a group of confused tweens.  One moment they’re all normal tweens, and the next moment they have alien ships parked illegally over their house.  Then Chloe Grace Moretz is forced to tell us how it all went down in dramatic voice over.  She’s like, “Aliens took out the power, sent the earthquakes, sent a virus, morphed into human form to kill us, and made us create the documentary called the 5th wave.”

But as society breaks down Chloe and her family join other survivors in a broke down summer camp.


Then the army arrives and colonel Liev Schreiber says, “We’re here, and we’re going to save you from living ghetto fabulous.”  So the army loads the kids onto busses to go to the air force base.  But Chloe gets left behind because she goes back for her brothers teddy bear.  That’s when she gets to witness all the adults lose an argument to an M16.  Yeah, they basically become human Swiss cheese.  That’s when Chloe is like, “I’m outta here because I like breathing.”

So she’s able to get away but eventually she gets shot in the leg.  Fortunately Chloe is nursed to health by Alex Roe who she learns is a part time alien and a full time hottie.


She knows this because he loves to get all confused about his alien self while bathing in a lake.  At first Chloe thinks he’s hot but then she goes, “Hey conflicted alien guy, I’m getting my brother on my own because you’re acting like such a girl.”

Once Chloe makes it to the air force base she runs into her old crush Nick Robinson.  But that’s when Alex just shows up, kills two guys, and says, “I want to be human.  Love is not a trick, it’s real.”  That’s when Chloe falls into Alex’s arms and Nick loses his lunch.

Fortunately there is no time for sappiness because Nick tells them the army is controlled by the aliens who are training kids to be the 5th wave to take out the rest of humanity.  And Nick knows this because he can see the aliens with a special helmet provided by the alien leader.  The only problems he sees are the alien appears on regular humans and it tends to look like some cheesy graphic from the nineties.  Yeah dude, I think you have bigger problems than that.

The Straight Dope: Go see this movie if you believe aliens are smart enough to take out the human race, but dumb enough to be defeated by people who haven’t finished high school.

More Effin Funny Reviews at JoeJCom.