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The Mummy Takes Us On A Journey Of Curses, Killing And Two Hours Of Boredom/Confusion

The mummy movie poster with tom cruise standing in front of the face of the mummy

ADD REVIEW:  So I saw the new Mummy movie.  And to save you some time, this movie is pretty much is good as a load of wet smelly diapers.  Because it just seems like the director said, “I have an idea, let’s reboot the Mummy with Superhero Scientologist Tom Cruise.  Then we have an excuse to throw in a whole bunch of random action scenes against crusty dead people.”  And that is why about thirty minutes into this movie I felt like I was the one who was cursed.

sofia boutella from the mummy movie. She is in chains screaming. She has letters in makeup on her face. Written meme: maybe my scream of pain will take your mind off losing two hours to see the mediocre mummy movie

image that says blows with a yellow smiley face. smiley face as a shocked look. There is a bar graph with the label audience laughs. The ranges are meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The meter is set on Meh

THE LOW DOWN:

Tom Cruise and his friend Jake Johnson are a couple of grave robbers who accidentally open up a secret tomb of the baddest mummy chick who ever lived.  While they’re in the tomb, Tom Cruise gets the bright idea to fire his gun at some ropes and release the mummy.  Which instantly made me go, “You’re an idiot and that makes absolutely no movie sense.  Tommy, it’s a bad idea to wake up the witch who’s gonna destroy world.”  

Anyway, next they hop on a plane to transport their new found mummy booty.   Unfortunately the plane is taken down by killer crows over England.  But when the plane crashes, Tom Cruise survives because he has been cursed by the moldy mummy.  But not only does he survive, he wakes up in a body bag with absolutely no scratch at all looking buff as hell.  Which made me say, “Maybe that mummy curse isn’t bad after all.”

But soon Tom learns that the mummy wants to stab with him with a magic dagger to make him into a god with power over life and death.  And upon hearing this he’s like,  “Sounds nice, but I’m kind of falling for my blonde co-costar Annabelle Wallis.  So thanks but no thanks.”

And in a lame twist to introduce a new character, Russell Crowe comes into the picture as Dr. Jekyll.  He is there to capture and study the mummy.  Which made me go, “Oh I see, we’re not in England to get a dagger, we’re in England to sell future movie tickets.”

russell crowe from the mummy. He is wearing a grey suit and has his head slightly cocked to the side. Written meme: I only looked concerned because you just set up my movie to have an audience of two people. Me and My Mom. thanks a lot dick

Next the Mummy gets captured and then escapes.  Then the mummy kills Annabelle the bombshell to trap good old Tommy.  That’s when Cruise is left with a choice to destroy the dagger and die or become a living god to save the blonde hottie.  Of coarse he chooses god because, why the eff wouldn’t you.  He then sucks the life out of the mummy, saves his girl and turns into half monster/half creepy dude who prefers to hang out in dark corners.

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Passengers Lets Us Know If You’re A Dude Stranded Alone In Space Your Best Option Is To “Accidentally” Wake Up The Hot A-List Actress

ADD review:  In Passengers a giant spaceship hits a huge rock which then opens the sleeping pod of Gaurdian of the Galaxy Chris Pratt.  Unfortunately he is woken up years before he’s supposed arrive at his destination.  That’s when he’s like, “Looks like it’s time to break open Jennifer Lawrence’s pod.  Then, all I need to do is not tell her I woke her up for the next 90 years.”

written on the left the words doesn't blow. There is a yellow smiley face with a engaged look on his face. Next to the smiley face are the words audience laughs: and next to that is a bar graph with the scale of meh, LOLHOTT (laugh out loud half of the time), and bust a gut. The graph has a little yellow coloring at the meh level

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

Passengers opens with a spaceship transporting people in stasis to a new planet just so they can pollute it.  Suddenly the ship hits a space rock bigger than Donald Trump’s ego.  Computer errors happen and then Chris Pratt is woken up 90 years too soon…

PRATT

Hey computer why are you such a dick.  I’ve got ninety years to go which means my new home is going to be a coffin.

COMPUTER

Sir, you can send a message to fix me but just realize the reply won’t come back for another 55 years.  So you can just suck it.

PRATT

Well in that case, I’m going to live like a king and have a patron party for one.

Months later:

ROBOT BARTENDER – MICHAEL SHEEN

I may be a robot but I’m pretty sure nobody wants to find your dead carcass in my bar.

PRATT

Come on dude, I’ve done everything on this ship and I’m really freakin’ board. The only other cool thing I could do is wake up that super hot chick named Jennifer Lawrence.

ROBOT BARTENDER – MICHAEL SHEEN

Do whatever you like.  My only request is to resolve this whole hippy pantsless issue.

More months later:

PRATT

Ok bartender, if a hot girl walks into the bar, please don’t tell her I’m the creepy dude who opened her pod.

Later on Pratt and Lawrence finally meet.

PRATT

No pressure or anything, but I’ve been alone for the past year so just tell me when it’s time to get down to business.

LAWRENCE

I just woke up. And Ewww.

PRATT

I get your hint.  Let’s go get drunk at a nice bar that plays a whole lot of Barry White.

More moths later Pratt and Lawrence finally fall in love.  But this all gets ruined when the bartender lets Lawrence know Pratt is the bastard who stalked her sleeping pod.

LAWRENCE

Hey God’s gifts to no one, just realize hell hath no fury like a woman who wakes you up by punching you in the face.

PRATT

Well that secret lasted all of one month.

jennifer lawrence and chris pratt from passengers. Jennifer lawrence is sitting at a table looking distant. She has a tray of food in front of her. Chris pratt is walking up cautiously. He is looking sideways at jennifer lawrence. They are in a futuristic cafeteria on a spaceship

Then the computer malfunctions and wakes up crew member Laurence Fishburne.

FISHBURNE

So we’ve established that Pratt is an A-hole.  But let’s put this aside because this ship is going to blow and we need to fix it with absolutely no technical training at all.

PRATT

Sounds great.  I’ll do a space walk and then manually hold open a door to vent the hot plasma.  And I’ll protect myself with this random hunk of metal.

In the end Pratt saves the ship.  Then Lawrence saves Pratt.  Then they just decide to live out the rest of their lives eating everyone else’s food.

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Rogue One Is A Star Wars Story About Taking The Plans For A Deadly Spaceball And Then Just Dying

ADD Movie Review:  We finally get an action packed prequel that explains why the Death Star blows up like it was built by a five year old.  But I’m warning you don’t get too attached to anyone in this movie because, chances are they’ll just end up dead as a door nail.

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Review For People Who Have An Attention Span Greater Than A Gnat:  In Rogue one Jyn (Feliciy Jones) and Cassian (Diego Luna) go to the Jedi Holy city and find out the Empire is fiending on Khyber crystal like some ghetto crack head.  And the reason the Empire is jonesing on this crystal is to fuel up the Death Star so that they can make everyone really dead.

Ben Mendelsohn from rogue one: a star wars story. Ben is standing on the death star in a white shirt with red and blue color bars for rank. He has a cape. He is holding a gun. There is a black background with a light up screen in the back with a round object. Written meme: best part of my job on the Death Star is I get to shoot a big gun and look like a bastard doing it

While Jyn and Cassian are in the holy city, they meet Chirrut Imwe (Donnie Yen) and his partner Baze Malbus (Jiang Wen) during a nice Sunday afternoon rebel uprising.  Jyn is good at fighting, Baze is good at shooting and Chirrut is good at kicking ass while being totally blind.

Once the fight is over Jyn, Cassian, Chirrut and Baze are taken to Saw Gerrera (Forest Whitaker) who plays an out of breath broke down Mad Max extra.  And this is when Jyn learns her father just happens to be a bastard who help build the Death Star.  But her father tells her, “Before you get too mad, I also put in a secret reactor to make the giant spaceball go boom.”  

So now all our heroes need to do is convince the rebels the reactor exists, steal the plans for the Death Star, and then blow it up with some untested yokel farm boy.

But unfortunately once Jyn gets this information, the Death Star lights up the Jedi holy city like frickin’ roman candle.  Luckily all of our hero’s escape mainly because they have a fast ship and it’s only half way into the movie.  

Once our heroes get to the rebel base, they explain now all they need to do is steal the plans for the Death Star on a heavily guarded tropical planet.  And the rebel council is like, “Jedi please, that’s frickin’ suicide.”

So now our heroes are forced to get some ragtag rebels and go straight after the Death Star plans on their own.  They think it’s a good idea to roll on over to the Imperial base with twenty rebels against a whole planet of armed dudes dressed in white.  

Rogue One: A starwars story with two stormtroopers dressed in white carrying guns walking in the ocean. Written meme: Know What sucks about this tropical planet? My Stormtrooper suit doesn't come equipped with a pair of shorts

Amazingly, Jyn and Cassian get the plans.  That’s when the rebel forces decide to help and start shooting anything that moves.  In the coolest scene of the movie the rebels ram a star destroyer through the planet’s shield.  This allows Jyn to transmit the plans before the Death Star turns the Imperial base into the worst tropical vacation ever.

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Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them Is A Magical Mystery Hunt For Monsters And Harry Potter Fans Who Don’t Like Money

In Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them Eddie Redmayne goes to NYC and loses magical creatures who are almost as dangerous as New York pizza rat.  To get these beasts back, Redmayne teams up with perpetually surprised Dan Fogler.  This is a good plan because Redmayne doesn’t know the city and he can’t talk to anyone directly in the face because he has the personality of Dr. Doolittle on Dramamine.

the movie fantastic beasts and where to find them with eddie redmayne in a dark brown suit. He has a silly quizzical look on his face. He is in a garden area. written meme: just so you know this is me being really excited

But before they start looking for these monsters the guys drop in on a witches apartment to get some grub.  One of the witches Queenie uses magic to whip up dinner and flirts 1920’s style with Fogler.  Which means they generate the sexual tension of a catholic middle school dance.

As soon as dinner is over Redmayne and Fogler go into Redmayne’s magical musty suitcase/fantastic creature jail.  The most impressive thing about is case is inside is a magical world with a sun, crazy animals and no sign of giant underwear.

Once the guys feed the animals in the case, they go out into NYC to find the other little bastards that escaped.  First they capture a mole like creature who hoards jewelry like an NYC pimp.  Then Redmayne tracks down a glowing rhino thing in Central park and seduces it with pheromones and rhino mating dance straight out of Chippendales.  Then the the guys disappear into the case for what I assume is the weirdest threesome ever.  

eddie redmayne and dan fogler from fantastic beasts and where to find them. Redmayne and fogler are in suits sitting on the steps. Redmayne is smiling like he is proud of himself. Fogler is in awe. Written meme: oh my god, I just realized we're stuck in a magical suit case with a sexually charged rhino. Thanks for an Effion Weird threesome Dr. Dolittle

Next the female witch Katherine Waterston locks the guys in the case and takes them to the wizard council of New York.  Instantly Waterston, Redmayne and Fogler are considered guilty.  This is when Colin Farrell sends them off to jail by simply pulling out his wand from a wizard sleeve.

But in short order, Redmayne is able to break out of jail by using a little leaf creature who looks and acts like a very unfunny baby Groot.  Then Queenie smuggles everyone out in Redmayne’s magical jail case.

Once they escape a troubled teen named Credence lets loose his super evil power of becoming a giant black dust devil.  Like a typical teen, Credence whines and pretty much wrecks half of NYC.  But finally, Credence is cornered by Redmayne, Waterston and all of the wizards in a subway.  That’s when wizards act as judge and jury by pulling out their wands and shooting loads of magic on him until he’s dead.

ADD Review:  This is no Harry Potter.  If you like magic and the 1920’s you’re probably better off watching David Blaine do yet another rip off of a Houdini trick.

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Arrival Is A Movie About Aliens Who Have Enough Technology To Make It To Earth But Still Have Trouble With Grade School English

Arrival starts out with Amy Adams remembering how her sweet little girl kicks the bucket.  That’s right, this movie comes straight out of the gate with the super fun topics of cancer and depression.

But fortunately after the initial downer scene, Adams goes to work as a language professor and learns aliens have illegally parked dildo shaped ships around the world.  Like everyone else on earth she takes the day off because she’s freaked out about big black things from outer space. 

amy adams from arrival movie. She is at work wearing a white and gray shirt. She has a surprised look on her face. She is in front of a whole bunch of computers. Written meme: Kind of freaked out about the alien landing, but I really like skipping out on a day of work

But after watching the news all night she decides to show up to work the next day like a complete moron.  Fortunately while she is at work colonel Forest Whitaker shows up and asks her to interpret what the aliens are saying from a super ghetto recording.  Not surprising she fails and he’s like, “Well that didn’t work.  So now you get to meet the aliens in person which means, you get an all expense paid trip to boring ass Montana.”

In Montana Adams meets the aliens and theoretical physicist/awkward boyfriend Jeremy Renner.  The two of them learn even though there are twelve ships spread around the world, nobody has a clue on how to communicate with these a-hole alien squatters.

amy adams from arrival movie. She is in an orange radiation suit with a microphone. She is looking off to the side with a quizzical look on her face. Written meme: So You're telling me you aliens can builds a space ship, but you still can't figure out how to use a bic pen

But at least every eighteen hours the aliens open their ship to try to talk to Adams, Renner and the military crew.  Adams uses marker on a white board to communicate with the aliens and the aliens answer back by using their tentacle to squirt a whole bunch of gross ink in the air.  The problem is the aliens communicate with circles and nonlinear time.  That’s right their language goes back in forth in time.  Which made me say, “Hey aliens, if you figured out time, how about spending just a second to learn a little effin English?”

But what we learn is the aliens are teaching Adams their future language so that the human race can help them in 3000 years.  Which is kind of cool but also kind of a selfish bastard thing to do.

Once Adams learns their language, we find out all of the flash backs she has been having in the movie are actually flash forwards.  And she uses her new skill to see the future to stop the Chinese from killing the aliens and also to prove once again the world can’t do anything without knowledge and power of the good ole’ USA.

ADD Review:  If you have ADD you won’t make it past the first five minutes of this movie.  This is because this movie is a thinker and a little bit of a depressor.

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The Huntsman: Winter’s War Is Less Of A War And More Of A Squabble Over A Bastard Mirror

The Huntsman: Winter’s War is about how Chris Hemsworth and his lady take on evil queens with only an axe.  You know this is a fairy tale because when a dude fights magic with an axe, he usually just straight up dies.

hemsworth_the_huntsman

In the Huntsman, Hemsworth and Jessica Chastain are trained to kill for Emily Blunt who has the power to turn things into ice and be a real witch.  She started doing this parlor trick when she lost her baby and was like, “Everything is becoming ice because I’m going to be pissed for the next forty years.”

So Blunt’s first rule in her kingdom is to outlaw love.  But Hemsworth and Chastain take one look at each other and are like, “Love sounds better than that chick who is 50 shades of crazy.”  But when the lovebirds try to escape Blunt makes Hemsworth think Chastaine is dead.  Then she’s like, “Hey muscles get out of here with your stripper body covered in leather and sweat.”

Seven years later Hemsworth gets pulled back into fighting the ice queen when he learns she is after that tacky mirror mirror on the wall.  So he sets off to find the mirror with two dwarves.  In no time the boys get into trouble and they are saved by Chastain.  Hemsworth is shocked and is like, “Nice fighting for a dead girl.”  She answers back quickly by knocking him the eff out.  When he wakes up he tries to explain how Blunt tricked them but she’s like, “Am I going to believe the woman or the playboy in pleather?”

But they concentrate on the mission at hand and set off to get the mirror.  And in the process they pick up two female dwarves who provide some of the best comedy of the movie when we get to see a medieval little people you’re so ugly battle.

Eventually the crew get it together and steal the mirror from what’s supposed to be a scary goblin sanctuary.  The problem is these goblins are dark black with gold leaf on their shoulders which makes them look more like back up dancers for Cirque De Soleil.

Once the crew gets the mirror, the ice queen takes it and commands Chastain to shoot Hemsworth in the chest.  This fools almost everyone under the age of five.  Immediately after the queen is gone Hemsworth pops back up and says, “She hit me in my medallion.  She really does love me.”

the_huntsman_winters_war_with_hemsworth_nick_frost

In the end battle, Charlize Theron comes out of the mirror.  That’s when there is a queen on queen on huntsman cage match.  As Blunt learns of her sisters treachery she freezes the mirror which allows Hemsworth to destroy it with his axe.  Cementing his status in Hollywood as the number one actor who can play any role as long as it has a hand weapon.

The Straight Dope:  This movie has evil queens, axe fights and magically disappearing Scottish accents.  This movie is perfect if you like your Lord Of The Rings really watered down.

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The 5th Wave Is The Final Wave Before The Wayans Bros Make “Not Another Teen Girl Saves The Planet”

In The 5th Wave aliens attack the earth and our only hope for survival is a group of confused tweens.  One moment they’re all normal tweens, and the next moment they have alien ships parked illegally over their house.  Then Chloe Grace Moretz is forced to tell us how it all went down in dramatic voice over.  She’s like, “Aliens took out the power, sent the earthquakes, sent a virus, morphed into human form to kill us, and made us create the documentary called the 5th wave.”

But as society breaks down Chloe and her family join other survivors in a broke down summer camp.

the_5th_wave_chloe_grace_moretz

Then the army arrives and colonel Liev Schreiber says, “We’re here, and we’re going to save you from living ghetto fabulous.”  So the army loads the kids onto busses to go to the air force base.  But Chloe gets left behind because she goes back for her brothers teddy bear.  That’s when she gets to witness all the adults lose an argument to an M16.  Yeah, they basically become human Swiss cheese.  That’s when Chloe is like, “I’m outta here because I like breathing.”

So she’s able to get away but eventually she gets shot in the leg.  Fortunately Chloe is nursed to health by Alex Roe who she learns is a part time alien and a full time hottie.

the_5th_wave_alex_roe

She knows this because he loves to get all confused about his alien self while bathing in a lake.  At first Chloe thinks he’s hot but then she goes, “Hey conflicted alien guy, I’m getting my brother on my own because you’re acting like such a girl.”

Once Chloe makes it to the air force base she runs into her old crush Nick Robinson.  But that’s when Alex just shows up, kills two guys, and says, “I want to be human.  Love is not a trick, it’s real.”  That’s when Chloe falls into Alex’s arms and Nick loses his lunch.

Fortunately there is no time for sappiness because Nick tells them the army is controlled by the aliens who are training kids to be the 5th wave to take out the rest of humanity.  And Nick knows this because he can see the aliens with a special helmet provided by the alien leader.  The only problems he sees are the alien appears on regular humans and it tends to look like some cheesy graphic from the nineties.  Yeah dude, I think you have bigger problems than that.

The Straight Dope: Go see this movie if you believe aliens are smart enough to take out the human race, but dumb enough to be defeated by people who haven’t finished high school.

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Mockingjay Part 2 Is A Jam Packed Explosive Ride Of Depression

In Mockingjay Part 2 Jennifer Lawrence opens the movie with a jacked-up neck and the speaking ability of a mime.  That’s right. The only way she can communicate is to write a note or shoot someone with an arrow.  What genius said, “I think it’s a good idea for the girl on fire not to speak.  She doesn’t need an Oscar.”

But fortunately Lawrence gets her voice back.  And right away she tells Julianne Moore,  “I’m going to fight on the front lines like a baller.”  And Moore is like, “Great, now we have to figure out how to spin her death.”

mockingjay_2_julianne_moore_philip_seymour_hoffman

So Moore tries to compromise with Lawrence and tells her, “You can fight but you’ll be miles away from the action and you’ll have more media coverage than a Kardashian.  Oh and by the way we’re sending you with Gale the boyfriend you never loved and Peeta the boyfriend who is trying to kill you.  Good luck.”

So J.Law, J.Hutch, L.Hems and a special forces team head out to kill President Snow who is also know as D.Suth.

donald_sutherland_dsuth

But the problem is the whole city is booby trapped with guns, hot oil, and really aggressive green sewer guys.

But eventually the resistance captures Snow.  And Snow tells Lawrence, “Hey idiot, you’re being played by both sides.”  This is confirmed when Moore becomes president and institutes a new hunger games.  So of coarse Lawrence reacts really maturely and puts an arrow straight through Julianne Moore’s heart.  Hey Katniss, I don’t think that sensitivity training worked.

mockingjay_2_jennifer_lawrence_with_bow_and_arrow

The Straight Dope:  This movie shows the ugly side of war.  A bunch of people die and then everyone is left going, “Great, we have no water, food or internet.  This blows.”

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Pan Is A Live Action Adventure With A Cartoon Premise

Pan gives us the backstory about why Peter is so annoying.  You know flying around and telling everyone they’re going to get old and die.  Guess what Peter, that’s a jackhole move.

But in Pan you can argue Peter earns his cockiness.  He grows up in an orphanage run by a nun who happens to like selling boys into slavery.  Who’s the jackhole now?

Eventually Peter gets sold off and is put to work for Hugh Jackman/BlackBeard the Pirate. Peter is forced to mine pixilatum because breathing the stuff makes Jackman look dead sexy.

hugh_jackman_as_blackbeard_the_pirate_written_hey_ladies_who_wants_a_piece_of_goth_hugh_jackman

But unfortunately Peter is accused of stealing pixilatum and is forced to walk the plank.  But that’s when Peter flies and Jackman goes, “Great, if he’s the chosen one I’m going to be taken out by a little boy.”

So Jackman tries to stop Peter, but a young Captain Hook comes to his rescue.  At this point Peter and Hook are friends because Peter hasn’t gotten under Hook’s skin yet.

So, Peter and Hook escape to a native village.  But this village looks less native and more like the huts and clothes were attacked by neon colors from the 80’s.  Hey villagers, way to be stealthy.

rooney_mara_in_a_multicolored_headdress_from_pan_written_I_Like_to_wear_things_that_look_like_the_80s_threw_up_around_my_face

Of coarse Jackman finds this village of ridiculousness.  But once again Peter and Hook are able to escape.  But now the guys set out for the secret fairy hideout.  Once they make to the fairy hideout, Peter opens the door and Jackman jumps out and is like, “Thanks for doing that idiot.”

The Straight Dope: The fairies deliver a serious pirate smackdown once they learn Peter can fly.  But this makes you wonder if the fairies could defeat Jackman the whole time then they’re kinda stupid.  I mean why do they need a boy who can fly just to kick some pirate booty?

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The Martian Is The Worst Case Of Being Ditched Ever

The Martian is about what happens when people ignore the buddy system.  That’s right, a big dust storm hits a science crew on Mars and Matt Damon is the unlucky one who gets body slammed by debris.

matt_damon_the_martian_recording_video_diary_written_dear_diary_that_storm_hit_me_harder_than_ronda_rousey

And Matt’s crew goes, “I liked Damon but now he’s kinda dead.  Let’s hop into our spaceship before we get hit by another wall of dirt.”

But once everyone is gone, Damon wakes up and is like, “I’m stuck on a cold desert with absolutely no food.  Great, this mission officially sucks.”

But Damon has a can do attitude and he starts growing potatoes.  Which is really exciting until he realizes even on Mars vegan food blows.  So, Damon’s next mission is to get the hell off of Mars.  So he starts driving the rover and communicating with NASA.  The only problem is the only thing he has to listen to is a hard drive full of disco.  As if being stranded on Mars wasn’t enough, he has to listen to Donna Summer sing, “I need some hot stuff, baby tonight.”

matt_damon_on_mars_from_martian_donna_summer_thought_bubble_if_mars_doesnt_kill_me_then_donna_summer_will

Of coarse Damon encounters a lot of drama.  His potatoes get exposed to Mars atmosphere and die.  Then the supply ship NASA sends to him blows up.  This is when you realize, those people signing up for Mars One are kind of stupid.

But eventually NASA figures things out.  The crew that is heading back from Mars does a sling shot maneuver around the Earth and then just heads straight back for Mars.  Making this mission, the worst road trip ever.

In the end the best scene is when Damon is being rescued by the spaceship.  He is out in space and punctures his glove using the escaping oxygen to fly like iron man.  And that’s when you go, “Are you effin kidding me?  This is completely ridiculous, but also totally freaking rad.  Where do I sign up?”

The Straight Dope: This movie lets us know Mars is dangerous.  Sure we’ll get there one day, but you may want to hold off going until they’ve got a Motel 6.

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