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Star Wars: A New Director

The new Star Wars preview is so exciting I think I need a sedative.

Or maybe I’m just comparing it to the prequels.  Which were a steaming load of Jabba the Hutt.  Yeah, the series let us down.  But if the teaser is any indication of things to come, at least the new movie’s going to be heavy on the action, and light on racially offensive puppets.

But in the new movie I do want to see certain things.  I want Boba Fett to be an outlaw, Han Solo to be a space pirate, and to see Lando drinking a cool can of Colt 45.

I already like that in the trailer even the bad guys are cool. The trailer voice over mentions negotiations. And the bad guy is like, “Listen, I think we’ll just give you a lightsaber to the junk.”

And that is the way you do it. First we learn there is an exciting new Star Wars movie. And then McDonald’s brings back the McRib. The only way this gets better is if they cross over with TaunTaun Tacos.

I love this preview so much, I even think the Lego version is awesome. And I got to say, if your Lego movie comes out before the real one, I’ll be the first person in line to see it in your mothers basement.

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57 Year Old Man Breaks Space Jump Record – Without Breaking His Legs

A 57 year old guy just broke the stratosphere jump record. He wanted to keep it low key. But every article wanted to mention he is old.

Nice job media. This guy jumps from 25 miles up in the air, and all you can ask is where’s his walker. Hey media, I think he is still a little too young to be sucking a steak through a straw.

It seems like this guy just wanted to see if he could do it. So instead of spending money on a space capsule like the Red Bull guy, he was probably was like, “Do you think I could just wrap my spacesuit in some duct tape.”

So his video is a little ghetto, especially compare it to the video produced by Red Bull. The red bull guys video is so intense, that whenever I see it I always feel like I’m going to vomit.

But when I watch the 57 year old guy’s video I’m like that was a disappointment. His video looks like it was edited by a five year old. If you are going to jump from space, you might want to save some money for a GoPro!

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My Favorite Restaurant is Costco

When you’re hungry the best place to go is Costco. They’ve got items in bulk. And enough free food stations to dramatically increase you own personal bulk.

They’ve got so much food that people actually take dates. But if you’re a dude and think this is a good idea, just be prepared to hear, “And this sample is for the cheap bastard over there! The only way you’re getting to first base is if you actually buy a base on aisle four.”

Costco is smart. They give away food because it increases sales by two thousand percent. This also happens to be the same increase you will see in your next credit card balance.

Costco makes it impossible to leave without buying something. You pick up a free cracker with beef. And you leave with a whole cow. And a forklift to carry it.

You like comedy. You like rap. So hit the like button. (by the way you are awesome)

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My iPhone is More like iBend

People stood in line for days just to get the new iPhone. Just so they can be the first person to say I’m the first one to break it.

The iPhone seems to have a little bending problem. Especially if you like to wear tight pants, and you happen to like sitting. But the crazy thing is everyone still wants this phone. Even if it eventually looks like an expensive doorstop.

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That is the magic of Apple. They are selling a lifestyle product. As long as your lifestyle includes not having six hundred dollars in your pocket.

The straight dope: Apple is awesome. But the phone may need a little more work. I think not being the first to own it is a good plan.

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How Green is your Olive Garden

So Olive Garden decided to offer seven weeks of unlimited pasta for one hundred dollars. Sounds like a good idea until it’s time to meet your new friend Jenny Craig.

The reason Olive Garden is offering the pasta pass is their sales are declining. They need to get people in the door. The only problem is once a person has a pasta pass, he may never leave. Unless he wants a Chipotle burrito.

I don’t even know if it is even possible to eat one hundred dollars of pasta. Maybe Olive Garden will be like there aren’t enough hours in the day. Why don’t you just turn our table into a bed.

People love this promotion so much that they are reselling it on eBay for three hundred dollars. Have you ever tried to buy three hundred dollars of pasta? You would probably have to talk to the grocery store manager and say, “Looks like I’m taking the whole isle. And I am going to need something large to cook this in. Do you have a pool.”

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Olive Garden has to take out Chipotle to survive. So they are offering unlimited breadsticks and salad. When was the last time you went to a restaurant and said, “They are going to be so sorry they just gave me unlimited salad.” Maybe its just me and about a million other people, but I think I’ll go with the burrito bowl.

The straight dope: There are big changes in the casual dining space. Chipotle has decimated the completion with cheap good food. I like Olive Garden but they are just adding a promotion and not changing the game like Chipotle.

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The Colorado Green Rush

It must be really hard to be a Colorado resident. Because no matter how good the snow, there is always that one tool on the slope who says “Yeah, but how is the pot.”

Colorado went from being a state known for its natural beauty, to being known as a really good place to score some weed. Little dispensaries are popping up everywhere. In fact, in one month the state of Colorado made 24 million dollars off of pot. However, in the same exact month I’m pretty sure they gave out 48 million dollars in food stamps. Hey, apparently marijuana makes you hungry. And makes you spend all your money on sticky icky.

Everybody is jumping in on the game. There is a company that makes a vending machine for pot. This is a good idea until you pay one hundred dollars just to watch your pot get stuck in the machine. That is the only time you will see a pot head get mad.

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Wall street investors don’t care. They sent this vending machine stock from 23 dollars to 93 dollars in 5 trading sessions. It was at this point all the guys who own the dispensaries were like, “I’m in the wrong business.”

Straight dope: There is a Green Rush going on in pot. Money is able to be made in every portion of the industry. Choose your investment wisely. Even if there is pot involved, you probably shouldn’t invest in a vending machine stock. The jury is still out about the social implications of legalization. The only real case study we have is the drug tolerance in the Netherlands.

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Student Loan Shuffle

One of the biggest problems today is student loan debt. It’s such a problem that one of the last things a parent wants to hear is “Dad, I just got into Harvard.” It’s the dreaded phrase that basically means you’re not trading in that ten year old prius.

But it is not cool being a poor student. Because school loves to give out loans. They will give you money for anything. If you tell them you like sociology. They’ll just tell you, “Great, we like money. Sign these documents. Here’s your mountain of debt.”

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Debt is fine as long as you can get rid of it. But there is no way to discharge this debt. You claim bankruptcy and the loan department will tell you to get a job. You get a job for eight dollars an hour and the loan department will tell you we’ll take five. Three dollars an hour is enough to keep living off of ramen. You look good thin.

The straight dope: School is important. But a school is a product that you buy. The loan department never tells you by the time you pay back your debt, you’ve actually paid back twice the amount you borrowed. Go to school, but don’t go into debt (you can’t get out of).

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Clippers for Sale

The old guy who owns the Clippers basketball team decided to confide some racist comments to his girlfriend. In turn, she decided to record his every word. I don’t know what it is up with these people who are uber rich. They get used to everyone saying yes. So it comes as a surprise when somebody finally says no. And that somebody was the NBA. The NBA was like our policy is to not deal with complete idiots. You are going to sell the team.

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The messed up part is he bought the team for 12 million in the 1980’s. And now he might sell them for 2 billion dollars. That would be really unfair if he wasn’t freaking old. I mean, there is only so much more damage he can do. One crazy thing about selling the team is he might not have to pay taxes. Another bastard move. Hopefully he spends it all on a one way ticket to his own private island

The straight dope:
As our society becomes more diverse then hopefully comments and actions like this will become a memory of the past. But from a money aspect all of us could use a closer look into how we pay taxes. The goal of tax should be to benefit society and ourselves.

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Heartbleed What?

Everyone is scared about that Heartbleed virus. This thing was created to steal all your internet passwords. And that is sort of a bastard thing to do. Especially because nobody had a clue it was running in the background for the past couple of years.

But now that we know what did we do about it? That’s right, nothing. The biggest security threat in years and the best repose IT guys got was yeah, Heartbleed can have anything it wants in my Yahoo. Besides, all Yahoo gives me is a whole bunch of spam.

heartbleed

Maybe we would be more motivated to change our passwords if IT didn’t make it look so easy. We all have that one IT guy in our company who knows way too much about computers. And he will fix pretty much anything for Funyuns and a Coke.

I did change my passwords because I like having money. I lose enough money to wall street bid/ask price. I don’t need Heartbleed to help me.

The straight dope: Change your passwords on the sites that matter. DJIA should still be moving on up. Just enjoy the ride.

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High Frequency Trading

Ever since Michael Lewis wrote his book “Flash Boys” everybody on Wall street has been on the offensive. This is because his book highlights another way smart people have figured out to turn the computer into an ATM.

People are concerned about front running. This is when you place an order to buy a stock but before it gets filled smart people with fast computers buy and sell the stock back to you at a higher price. This is a level of skimming that would even impress the mob.

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Wall street argues computers have improved everything. Back in the day the price you got was horrible. Now, you can look forward to just getting screwed.

The straight dope: If you want to buy stocks, this is the system we got. Sure not everything is transparent, but at least we live in a place where things like this can be exposed. I’m going to still buy stocks, but at least I know where some of my money is going now.