ADD REVIEW: So I saw the new Mummy movie. And to save you some time, this movie is pretty much is good as a load of wet smelly diapers. Because it just seems like the director said, “I have an idea, let’s reboot the Mummy with Superhero Scientologist Tom Cruise. Then we have an excuse to throw in a whole bunch of random action scenes against crusty dead people.” And that is why about thirty minutes into this movie I felt like I was the one who was cursed.
THE LOW DOWN:
Tom Cruise and his friend Jake Johnson are a couple of grave robbers who accidentally open up a secret tomb of the baddest mummy chick who ever lived. While they’re in the tomb, Tom Cruise gets the bright idea to fire his gun at some ropes and release the mummy. Which instantly made me go, “You’re an idiot and that makes absolutely no movie sense. Tommy, it’s a bad idea to wake up the witch who’s gonna destroy world.”
Anyway, next they hop on a plane to transport their new found mummy booty. Unfortunately the plane is taken down by killer crows over England. But when the plane crashes, Tom Cruise survives because he has been cursed by the moldy mummy. But not only does he survive, he wakes up in a body bag with absolutely no scratch at all looking buff as hell. Which made me say, “Maybe that mummy curse isn’t bad after all.”
But soon Tom learns that the mummy wants to stab with him with a magic dagger to make him into a god with power over life and death. And upon hearing this he’s like, “Sounds nice, but I’m kind of falling for my blonde co-costar Annabelle Wallis. So thanks but no thanks.”
And in a lame twist to introduce a new character, Russell Crowe comes into the picture as Dr. Jekyll. He is there to capture and study the mummy. Which made me go, “Oh I see, we’re not in England to get a dagger, we’re in England to sell future movie tickets.”
Next the Mummy gets captured and then escapes. Then the mummy kills Annabelle the bombshell to trap good old Tommy. That’s when Cruise is left with a choice to destroy the dagger and die or become a living god to save the blonde hottie. Of coarse he chooses god because, why the eff wouldn’t you. He then sucks the life out of the mummy, saves his girl and turns into half monster/half creepy dude who prefers to hang out in dark corners.
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