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Rings Has A Horror Movie Concept About As Fresh As A Moldy Tape From A Well

ADD Review:  Samara is back with the same tired old video from 2002.  People watch it and then somehow they get a phone call death from a landline.  Which makes you go, “I guess the whole movie doesn’t work if everyone just screens her call or ignores her text.”

image that says blows with a yellow smiley face. smiley face as a shocked look. There is a bar graph with the label audience laughs. The ranges are meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The meter is set on Meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

Set up:  Holt (Alex Roe) watches a video on his computer and contracts the virus called little moldy girl from the well is going to kill you in seven days.  Once this happens, he becomes MIA and his long distance girlfriend Julia (Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) gets freaked the eff out.  So she goes to his college and then to his class with teacher and resident creeper Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

JULIA

Hey Professor Leonard, I’m looking for my boy toy named Holt.

LEONARD

Can’t say I’ve seen him, but that does remind me I need to rush off to my secret lab where I expose students to Samara’s video of death.

Julia stealthily follows Leonard and learns Holt watched Samara’s video with a bitch named Skye (Aimee Teegarden).  That’s when Julia gets the claws out and goes to Skye’s apartment to open up a can of whoop ass like it’s 2002.

SKYE

Chick, I know what you’re thinking but let’s discuss after I show you a super awesome video about a dead girl climbing out of a well.

While Skye loads up the video, Julia picks up Skye’s phone and then just starts texting with Holt.  

HOLT (via text)

Babe, don’t look at the video.  Because if you do, then you’ll totally get a call and die in seven days.

JULIA (via text)

Holt that is a new level of stupid even for you.

HOLT (via text)

Whatever babe, just tell her you have to go to the bathroom to drop a bomb.

But once Julia goes to the bathroom Skye gets a visit from the Samara the wet blanket.  Oh yeah, Samara comes out from an unplugged TV and then turns Skye into a human California raisin with a permanent o-face.   

rings the movie with bonnie morgan dressed up as samara. she has dark hair, white face and a mean look on her face. Written meme: tinder profile: I like long walks on the beach, cold baths, and jumping out of TV's to kill mutheffers

Holt walks in.

JULIA

Holt I stand corrected, that bitch is real and she makes your skin really gross.

HOLT

Babe, the bad part is that’s going to be me unless I can find another sucker to watch that video.  So I’m going to take a nap and please don’t accidentally watch the pre-loaded video labeled Julia please watch this.

But of course Julia watches the video.  And then Holt brings her to Professor Leonard.

HOLT

Hey professor dude, there’s a problem.  Her file won’t copy.

LEONARD

Well maybe it’s because her video has a whole bunch of extra non-scary scenes.

JULIA

Professor, I think these are scenes of Samara’s mother.  And all we need to do is follow the clues in the video to dig up Samara’s grave and then set her free by burning her bones in a giant bonfire.

LEONARD

Sounds reasonable to me even though to make that conclusion you had to jump about 50 sharks.

rings with jonny galecki and matilda anna ingrid lutz. Matilda is looking at a computer trying to copy a file. Galecki is looking at her with a quizzical look. Written meme: you're really hot for a chick who's gonna die in seven days

Then Holt and Julia break into Samara’s creepy unmarked grave get caught by uber weirdo blind priest Vincent D’Onofrio.

D’ONOFRIO

Nice job finding her grave.  But she’s not buried there, she’s buried out in a field.

JULIA

Thanks, that’s information that will help us burn fifteen more minutes of screen time.

So Holt and Julia go on the wild goose chase.  And when they don’t find anything, Holt falls asleep again.  Then Julia decides to search for Samara’s mother on her own in the middle of the freaking night.  And like and idiot Julia goes back to the blind priest.

JULIA

I totally figured it out, Samara’s mother was captured by somebody very close to the church.

D’ONOFRIO

Seriously, even I can figure out this one and I’m totally blind.  Let me spell it out.  I did it.  I am Samara’s father.  Now let’s get on with the killing.

But Samara has other plans.  She kills D’Onofrio so that Julia can survive.  Then Samara takes over Julia’s body and sends a group email spam of her very unscary video.

END 

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Ouija: Origin Of Evil Is Also The Origin Of Reigniting Your Fears Of Creepy Little Girls

In Ouija: Origin of Evil Elizabeth Reaser plays a mom who accidentaly turns her house into Grand Central Station for ghosts.  For some reason this lady thinks it’s cool to bring a ouija board into her house just to become a ghetto fabulous fortune teller.  And the moment I saw this lady’s plan I was like, “Hate to be stereotypical, but why does it always have to be a dumb white lady.  Because I can pretty much guarantee Madea would not put up with that mess.”

madea from the movie boo. tyler perry dressed up as madea with the glasses speaking directly to the camera. witten meme: if I was inveited to this ouija house party you'd better believe I'd be saying boo and kicking some ghost booty

And the moment Reaser uses this board the spirts decide to use her daughter Lulu Wilson as a little demon puppet girl.  Lulu gets possessed, starts answering ouija board questions and then acts like nothing ever happened.  And that’s when I said to myself, “Great so this is going to be one of those demon denial movies.”

Next Lulu uses the ouija board by herself.  The board lets her communicate with spirts and even leads her to money in the basement to save the house from foreclosure.  Once this happens the mom is like, “That little meal ticket is not going to school.”

As Lulu uses the board more, she gets further possessed until one night she looks into a mirror and her body is taken over by a ghost who looks like he just got invited to a gimp latex party.  From here on out, Lulu whispers demon secrets in peoples ears and starts walking on the walls and the ceiling.  That’s when her sister Annalise Basso realizes something may be a little off.  So she gets Father Henry Thomas to use his extensive experience with demons and aliens.

ouija origin of evil with henry thomas dressed as a priest wearing a black shirt with a white collar. He has a gray sweater. He is speaking to a family. Written meme: we're dealing with a possession. Fortunately I specialize in demons and E.T.

When Henry gets to the house, he gets a reading just to trick Lulu the demon.  Then he takes the mom and sister aside and talks to them in Lulu’s super haunted room.  And that’s when I was like, “Apparently more people just equals more stupid decisions.”

In the room they figure out that the demon was a doctor who liked to torture people in the basement.  So their next brilliant plan is to burn the Ouija board in the furnace of that same exact basement.  Which made say, “I would have probably gone with burning down the whole effin house.”  But of coarse they don’t do that.  And that’s when Father Henry gets possessed, the mom gets killed and Annalise gets sent to a mental hospital.  Making this movie perfect family fun for anybody with the last name Manson.

ADD Movie Review: For like the millionth time people use a Ouija board in a house and then everyone ends up really dead.

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Blair Witch 2016 Is The Best Found Footage Movie Of 1999

Blair witch poster with dark black trees and a red background. In the middle of the picture are the words written blair witch

In Blair Witch a group of friends solicit the help of a pair of morons to take them to the witchy woods of death.  And just like the original movie, the new version is shot in shaky found footage so prepare to get scared and vomit.

As the group walks through the forest, we get jump scares from people who pop up in front of the camera like freaking jack in the box.  Apparently it’s cool to just pop up and go, “I got some wood.  And I also got some toilet paper because you look like you just shatnered your pants.”

Anyway, when the group finally sets up camp, the lead moron Wes Robinson says, “By the way, when you stay the night in the forest, the witch puts a spell on you and you end up really dead.”  Which made me think, “That’s important information to know before they went into the woods with your dumb ass.”

corbin reid from the blair witch 2016 movie. Corbin is staring off into space thinking about what is happening. She is in the woods. Written meme on second thought, I should have declined that invitation for glamping in the blair witch woods of death

As expected, during the night branches break and there are a whole bunch of questionable rude grunting noises.  Then everyone wakes up at the crack of 2 pm to find Blair Witch figurines hung up like hillbilly ornaments.  Immediately everyone gets freaked out and is like, “We need to get out of here, this is the same exact trick they used in the original film.”

But not five minutes later we find out Robinson and his girlfriend made the stick figures to prove that the Blair witch is real and horrible at home made gifts.  That’s when the rest of the group is like, “We’re going home and taking the GPS with us.  Have fun not dying Martha Stewart of the woods.”

After this everyone hikes in the woods for a whole day and strangely ends up at the same exact campsite.  Later on, Robinson and his girlfriend come back to the campsite claiming they have been hiking for five days and smell like it too.  Then if that is not weird enough everyone starts getting chased by a computer generated witchy gust of wind.

blair witch movie 2016 with callie hernandez. Callie is in the rain with wet hair and a blue jacket. She has a light in her face and she is talking while afraid. Written meme just know the blair witch is real and she makes homemade stick gifts like a 3rd grader

This all leads to a couple of people getting killed off in the woods and the others getting chased into a ghetto fabulous house.  This house may look like a shack on the outside but on the inside it has more rooms than the Disneyland haunted mansion.  There are multiple hallways that lead to multiple doors that lead to just one dirt nap.  

But the real twist in the end is we learn the Blair witch is an amateur impersonator.  She gets people to turn around and look at her by mimicking voices and making sure she chooses really dumb victims.

ADD review:  This movie is full of jump scares, shaky found footage and everything that makes a really good movie in 1999.

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Lights Out Will Make You Jump Out Of Your Seat And Straight Into The Pharmacy To Get Some Prozac

Lights out movie poster with Teresa Palmer in the foreground lit up. In the backround there are several spotlights on the floor. in the second spotlight is Alicia Vela-Bailey as the dark character diana. Diana is completely in the dark - you can't make out her features. Written on the poster is darkeness will consume you. Lights out

Lights Out features a undead chicka named Diana who’s major enemy is any source of lightThat’s right she hates flashlights, headlights and  pretty much the whole power company. 

In this movie Maria Bello is a depressed mom who decides to stop her meds and start talking to dirty Diana of the dead.  And Bello’s son Gabriel Bateman is caught in the middle of this friendship which means he gets scared every night and has to sleep even more than normal in school.

Alicia vela-bailey from the movie lights out. Alicia is dressed as the character diana. She is next to a light with her mouth open, completely covered eyes with a white film. She is screaming. Written Meme: not conna lie, it's kinda hard to steady work when your name is gollum

But eventually, Bateman’s big sister Teresa Palmer realizes it’s not cool for her brother to be at a house with a couple of crazies.  So she takes her brother to her apartment.  But what she doesn’t realize is Diana tags along like a really unwanted ghoulish third wheel.  And even more scary, the next day Palmer gets a surprise visit from the social worker.  The social worker is like, “Lady, your apartment really sucks.  That’s why Bateman is going back to that giant scary house with no lights and a creepy demon.”  But once her brother leaves, Palmer cleans up and she notices the name Diana scratched in her floor.  And Palmer is like, “Biatch, it’s one thing to be scary but it’s another thing to mess with my rental deposit.”

In response, Palmer takes her boyfriend Alexander DiPersia to her mom’s house to regulate that undead Banksy.  And that’s when they learn back in the day Diana and Bello were mental facility BFFs.  Bello was getting treated for depression and Diana was getting treated for just being an evil witch.

teresa palmer from lights out the movie. Teresa is in a door fram grabbing the sides of the door. There is a look of shock on her face. She is wearing a grey shirt. Written meme: ok, so that goes under the category of WTF

Palmer confronts Bello about this, but that’s when Bello runs off and leaves Palmer going, “Great. I guess we just earned a free night in the creepy dark house.”  So to prepare for the coming onslaught of Diana, Palmer and her boyfriend put a light bulb in every light of the house.  This has the not so impressive effect of making the house about as bright as a cellphone with an almost dead battery.

Next when Palmer tries to make amends with her mom, Bello opens her bedroom door, smiles and then hands Palmer a note that says “I need help.”  Strangely Palmer takes one look at the note and is like, “Sounds good I’m gonna go sleep in the other room.  Good luck.”

Then things get really freaky when all of the lights go out and Diana goes into ghost attack beast mode.  Diana even goes after the boyfriend who stops her by using the light from his phone and the headlights from his car.  Proving once again, Diana is like the weakest demon ever created.  In the end Bello finally gets rid of Diana by killing herself.  Which makes you go, “I know the mom was crazy.  I’m not sure if Diana was real.  But what I do know is I’m effin confused.”

ADD Movie Review:  This movie is full of jump scares and way too many people who think it’s cool to wander in a dark scary house with a piss poor source of light.

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The Purge: Election Year Is Scary Because It Reminds Us Of Our Current Political Choices

The purge election year poster with a guy wearing a creepy uncle sam mask. He is in an american suit with red and white stripped pants, a blue jacket with red and white collar. He has a semi automatic gun painted with the american flag. He is looking directly at us. Written the purge election year keep america great

The Purge: Election Year starts out with way too much talking.  Even though this movie is called the purge, there’s a whole half hour where the only thing that dies is your interest.  Sure it’s important to know Elizabeth Mitchell is running for president to take down the purge and Mykeleti Williamson is a father figure who likes to protect his deli.  But let’s be honest, when you pay to see the purge you don’t want to see an after school special.

Fortunately things pick up once the purge starts and they let all of the animals out of their cage.  That’s when a group of bad girls led by Brittany Mirabile show up to Williamson’s Deli in light up cars blasting “Party In the USA.”  What’s even more impressive is the girls are wearing lingerie and have bedazzled guns.  

the purge election year movie with brittany mirabile with a blood stained wedding dress, blood spatter on her skin. She is wearing a white mass that says kiss me. She has a bedazzled gun propped against her shoulder. Written meme Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned who owns a bedazzled gun

Once they get out of the car, Mirabile shouts out to Williamson, “Hey old man I’m going to purge your deli just to get some candy.”  But that’s when Joseph Julian Soria, an employee of the deli, shoots her in the ear and goes, “Hey witch, how do you like the taste of that?”

Meanwhile, Mitchell is locked up safe in her house until the government tries to take her out with some white supremacist jackholes.  Thankfully her bodyguard Frank Grillo assesses the situation and is like, “The house is unsafe so let’s go outside where it is ten times worse.”

Of coarse once Grillo and Mitchell go outside they run into a group of foreigners dressed up in American costumes who say,   “We love the USA and now we’re going to kill you in a weird European way.”  Luckily this doesn’t happen because Williamson and Soria walk up to the crowd with their guns and turn the Euros into human versions of French, Italian and Swiss cheese.

Not five minutes later, the bad girls in lingerie show up once again with a whole new group of scantily clad crazies.  Next the two lead girls of the group start talking about they’re going to do this and that, but that’s when Betty Gabriel takes her van and goes, “The only thing you are going to get is a truck to the face.”

So now everyone hops into Gabriel’s van and she takes them to an underground medical clinic which also doubles as a planning center for killing the leaders of the purge.  Which is a huge conflict of interest.  Once they arrive, Mitchell thinks she is finally safe until she gets taken by those white supremacist d-holes.

the purge election year with frank grillo and Edwin Hodge. They are in a underground area. Edwin Hodge has a flashlight in his right hand. Edwin is pointing to Frank Grillo saying something. Grillo is listening. Written meme so here's the plan we kill everybody. Hodge is in a dark jacket. Grillo is in a white dirty shirt with navy overcoat

This leads to a final showdown between the New Founding Fathers and everybody with a conscious.  As you can imagine out of one hundred people in the fire fight, about only five survive.

ADD review:  This movie starts out a little slow but gradually builds up to “I’m gonna take you out with a truck.”  The best characters of the movie are the bad girls and the foreigners because they are taken out like chumps in shocking funny ways.

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The Conjuring 2 Shows Us Once Again It’s A Really Bad Idea To Move Into A Creepy Old House

the conjuring 2 poster with vera farmiga standing in a room with crosses on the wall. She is standing in an open doorway. A shadowy hand is reaching out for her

The Conjuring 2 is back to remind us the 70’s was a really creepy decade.  Even without ghosts, everywhere you looked there was weird floral patterns, dark woods and way too much hair.

The movie starts out in the Amityville house with Vera Farmiga getting scared by a nun/demon who’s looks like she raided the white make up supply at Sephora.

the conjuring 2 demon nun with nun outfit. white make up with dark circles around the eyes and dark lips. The nun is standing in front of a portrait. Written meme this demon nun looks like a 99 cent only store version of marilyn manson

During this encounter Vera sees her husband Patrick Wilson die and later is like,  “Honey, I think we need to stop pissing off ghosts.”  And he goes, “Cool.  We’ll take a break and I’ll check back with you in five minutes.”

Meanwhile a couple of girls in England decide it’s a good idea to start using a homemade ouija board in their super old house.  Almost immediately Janet (Madison Wolfe) gets haunted by a 70 year old ghost with breathing problems and bad teeth.  Every night the ghost starts moving things like a chair, a toy truck and the little girl Janet.  Janet’s mom Frances O’Conner gets frustrated with her until the mom sees a dresser move right across the room and slam the door shut.  Then Frances is like, “Yeah we’re getting the bloody hell out of here.”

the conjuring 2 english cops stading in front of a building. Written meme: Ma'am what you need is a priest and what we'll do for you is write a strongly worded report

But even when the family goes to their neighbors house they get attacked by a super scary manifestation of the crooked man.  At this point the English church is like, “We want to help, but we’re way too polite. We’ll regulate that ghost with some loud obnoxious Americans.”  And Vera and Patrick go, “Thought you’d never ask, considering half of the movie is already over.”

When Vera and Patrick get to the house, they do an interview with Janet who happens to be channeling that 70 year old cranky wanker.  Immediately they set up ghost catching equipment.  But during this set up montage the scariest part of the film happens when Patrick pulls out a guitar and sings like Elvis.  After this the ghost tells Janet, “Get rid of that singer or I’ll get rid of your family.”

So Janet acts like the ghost and tears apart a really gross kitchen that desperately needed demo anyway.  Unfortunately, after Janet does this, Vera and Patrick have to call this a hoax and get on the train back home.  But when they are on the train Patrick figures out the old man ghost is just a pawn being controlled by that nun demon bitch.  So they high tail it back to the house and Vera goes, “Hey demon I know your name and I know where I’m going to send you.  Have a nice trip to hell.”

ADD Funny Movie Review:  This movie has some awesome jump scares.  The crooked man is certified scary.  And the nun/demon is freaky because she has super sharp teeth and about a pound of white face make up.

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The Witch Excels At Making You Go, “WTF!”

The Witch is about a family from the 1600’s who is exiled to a farm near a giant forest of death.  And almost immediately when the family gets to the farm things get whacky.  The first thing that happens is the eldest girl Anya Taylor-Joy loses the baby of the family proving she really sucks at her job.  But the weird part is, there’s no search party,  just the father of the family Ralph Ineson saying, “Oh well, I guess that baby’s lost to the woods.”  Yeah, that’s it you crazy pilgrim.

graham_greene_meme_for_the_witch_look_of_discust

Then the twins of the family start talking to a goat named Black Phillip.  Which even in the 1600’s is pretty racist for a goat.  But to scare the kids from talking to the evil goat, Anya Taylor-Joy tells them she’s a witch and witched away the baby with her witchy woman ways.  Not a good idea when talk like that makes you the entertainment at the next witch barbeque.

While all this drama is going on, the family’s tween boy Caleb goes to the woods to get some animal pelts to sell.  But the problem is every time he goes into the woods all he sees is this really annoying bunny of death.  That’s right.  The movie actually tries to make a bunny evil by giving it more menacing close ups than a Kim Kardashian selfie.

bunny_from_the_witch_movie

But the weirdness picks up  again when the tween Caleb runs into a witch’s house and is seduced PG-13 style.  This means he gets a sloppy kiss, the screen goes black and then Ana Taylor-Joy finds him in the rain naked as a jaybird.

Shortly after Caleb is found he dies.  Then Anya Taylor-Joy and the twins get accused of being witches.  So the obvious solution for this witch problem is for Ineson to nail all of them shut in the pen with Black Phillip.  Nice idea until Black Phillip gives Ineson a gut check with both horns.  Then the mother of the family accuses Anya Taylor-Joy of being the witch who caused all this drama.  So Ana Taylor is like, “You want to play that way, then here’s a knife to the face.  Come to think of it maybe I’m a witch after all.”

The Straight Dope:  This movie’s about as scary as a trip to Colonial Williamsburg on Halloween.  You pay your money, get to the end of the movie and go, “Wow, that was effin weird.”

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Pride And Prejudice And Zombies Is A Cool Title For A Movie That’s Probably Undead At The Box Office

Pride And Prejudice And Zombies sounds like the souped-up version of that boring book you tried to forget in high school.  It’s almost as if a movie studio executive said, “Austen’s okay, but her stories really need more zombie.”

christopher_walken_from_saturday_night_live_meme

And at the start of the movie it looks like they serve up a heaping helping of living dead.  Because in this new version Mr. Darcy uses his gun to make zombie heads explode like a tomato with a lit firecracker.  And the Chinese trained Bennet sisters use their fighting skills to give zombies the ole’ Kung Fu Panda.

For the Pride and Prejudice part Mr. Darcy (Sam Riley) still separates Jane Bennet and Mr. Bingley because he thinks Jane has the social standing of a bum.

Then Mr. Darcy falls for Elizabeth (Lily James) and proposes.  But unfortunately he realizes his mistake when Elizabeth says, “That’s a hell to the no because, I’d rather be a 19th century cat lady.  And just so you get the point, now I’m going to kick your ass.”

And Mr. Wickham is still a military man but now he gets to fight the zombie hoards while trying to look hot.  But he continues to take money from Darcy, tries to run away with Elizabeth and actually runs away with the youngest Bennet sister.  Which means he still ends up being a big giant bastard.

As for the zombie part of the movie, it seems like the director said, “Why don’t we just slide some zombies into the story with a little bit of duct tape and glue.”  This is shown in the fact that they make the zombies about as dangerous as an annoying hangnail.

lily_james_from_pride_and_prejudice_and_zombies

And even when Mr. Wickham announces he’s a zombie god and is going to lead the zombie hoards to victory, Mr. Darcy is like, “I’d be scared if you weren’t a British zombie with manners.”

The Straight Dope: In the end the zombies are defeated by blowing up a bridge.  Which makes about as much sense as putting zombies in the movie in the first place. You’re probably better off just reading Austen on your tablet while watching 28 Days Later.

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Krampus Is The Scariest Movie Of The Season If You Happen To Be Ten

Krampus is a bad Santa who acts nothing like Billy Bob. Yeah there’s no drinking or cussing, just a whole bunch of making people dead.  Which makes Krampus ten thousand times worse than that milk toast Mr. Grinch.

Krampus starts out like every other holiday movie with a very dysfunctional family.  And this family is waiting to be joined by even more dysfunctional relatives.

Unfortunately the only one who has holiday spirit is Adam Scott’s son Max.  But Max’s spirit is quickly crushed when his cousin reads his sappy letter to Santa out loud at dinner.  Which makes Max rip up the letter and go, “Maybe this Santa thing is overrated.”  Nice willpower kid.

But once Max does this, it is like sending out a bat signal for Krampus.  Next, this Krampus dude rolls into town looking a lot like Santa’s less successful homeless brother.

david_koechner_from_Krampus_at_dinner_table_head_cocked_to_the_side

Once Krampus gets the green light to be bad he sends a blizzard and takes out the internet. Proving he’s not just evil, he’s a real bastard.

As the movie progresses the evil seeps into all of the Christmas things you know and love.  Gingerbread men come alive, a teddy bear gets monster teeth, and a jack in the box clown becomes super creepy.  Oh wait, maybe the jack in the box was always that way.

jack_in_the_box_krampus

In the end the family gets eaten or thrown into a glowing hole in the ground.  But of coarse in the next scene Max wakes up in his bed and comes down stairs to celebrate Christmas with his family who is very much alive.  Making you think Krampus not only likes to kill but also likes to take the plot from Nightmare On Elm Street.

The twist is now the family is trapped in a snow globe forever.  Which sucks especially when Krampus wants to make it snow.

The Straight Dope:  This movie starts off very Hallmark but ends up more like C.S.I Fargo.  It’s not that scary, not that funny, but its all kinds of gross.

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Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse Embodies The Motto: Bros Before Zombies

Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse proves nothing brings bros together like killing an undead stripper.  That right, problems seem to melt away when all she’s really after is to suck the brain out of your skull.

The movie starts out with scouts Tye Sheridan, Logan Miller and Joey Morgan going on a campout.  The problem is Tye and Logan want to quit scouts because that uniform is like kryptonite for girls.  They realize women don’t find a man sexy when he wears badges and a handkerchief tie.

scouts_guide_to_the_zombie_apocalypse_written_the_uniform_doesnt_exactly_scream_ladies_man

So Tye and Logan ditch Joey to go to a secret senior party.  But once Tye and Logan get into town they notice it’s unusually quiet.  But more importantly they notice there’s no bouncer at the strip club.  And the boys are like, “This is a gift from God.”

So they go into the club and get a dance.  But unfortunately the dance is by a zombie stripper with half of her neck missing.  That’s when the boys get a nice full facial of blood.  But things only get gross when a bad ass hot chick named Denise uses her shotgun on the stripper’s head like she’s playing whack-a-mole.

sarah_dumont_shotgun_scouts_guide_zombie_apocalypse

Fortunately Denise and the boys get away.  But they continue to be chased by a group of bastard zombies.  Like at one point Tye is trapped in a second story window and does not want to fall.  So naturally, he stops his fall by grabbing onto a zombies wang.  Yeah, we get a nice close up of the zombie’s manhood stretching before it finally snaps off and lands into another zombies mouth.  Now that’s quality filmmaking.

But the best part of the movie is when the all the guys get back together and bring out the zombie weed-whacker, the nail gun arrow, and the pop gun that takes out multiple zombies in a row.  Giving them a chance to finally earn that undead killer badge.

The Straight Dope:  You’ll love this movie if you’re a teenage boy or just simply think like one.  Furthermore I think Mark Wahlberg and Ted would be proud to put their stamp of approval on this fine piece of work.

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