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La La Land Is A Fresh Take On A Love Story With A Boy, A Girl, And A Whole Bunch Of Random Singing And Dancing

ADD review:  In La La Land boy meets girl, girl gets mad at boy, so then boy makes girl into a snooty Hollywood actress.  And while all of this is going on be prepared to see a whole bunch of singing and dancing coming straight out of nowhere.

comic popcorn movie bar with the words doesn't blow. There is a smiley face with a side grin. Under the smiley face are the words interesting throughout. Next to this is a bar graph with the words audience laughs. The bar is rated meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The rating is in yellow at meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

La La Land starts out with Emma Stone ogling Ryan Gosling like he’s ten times hotter than the sun.  But when she tries to talk to him, Gosling doesn’t say a word because he just got fired by the Farmer’s insurance guy.    

Months later Stone runs into Gosling at a pool party where he is in a band playing the most embarrassing instrument in the world – the keytar.  


Hey piano man I’m going to get you back by requesting all of the stupid songs of the 80’s.


Well then I’m going to pretend to hate you until it’s time to spontaneously break out in song and dance.

ryan gosling from the movie la la land. he is in a white t-shirt with a red 1980's jacket. He is playing a red keytar at a house party. Written meme You know how I know I'm hot? You still want me even though I'm rockin a keytar

Moments later they look out onto the beautiful LA skyline and go “It’s time to get our Fred and Ginger on.  Let’s sing about how much the view sucks.”

GOSLING (singing and dancing)

I’m still pretending to hate you and this view that reminds me of emoji poo.

STONE (singing and dancing)

On that one thing we agree so now it’s time for me to get in my bougie prius and leave.

The problem is they don’t make a plan to meet up.  So months later Gosling just randomly shows up at the coffee shop where Stone works.  


I didn’t mean to be a creeper but you’re like the only chick in LA without a phone.


Fortunately, I forgive you because you’re so damn hot.  Now why don’t you meet me for my break so I can tell you my whole life story in ten minutes.

Next they plan a date to watch Rebel Without A Cause.  But when Stone arrives late to the movie she figures the best way to find Gosling is by standing right in front of the screen.


Girl, get over here before the audience breaks out the rotten tomatoes.

As they watch the movie their hands touch and then they both move in for the kiss.  But that’s when the film burns through, the lights turn on and they both get turned off.


Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever been cock blocked by Mr. James Dean.


Don’t worry, we can continue our date by breaking into Griffith Park Observatory and commit a super romantic felony.

ryan gosling and emma stone from the movie la la land. They are in Griffith Park Observatory in the star room theater. They are looking up at the ceiling. Gosling is in a tan suit with a 1940's tie. Emma Stone is in a green dress. The are looking off in wonderment. Written meme I really hope we can complete our couples dance scene before we get totally busted by the cops

After this, they have a full on relationship movie montage.  And it’s all romance and flowers until the montage ends and the couples check engine light comes on.


Ever since you took that job touring with a band you’ve sort of become a pretentious LA douche.


So does that mean you’re not going on tour with me or you just don’t like cash?

Now while Gosling is being successful in a band, Stone puts on a one woman show that plays to an audience of almost no one.  Since her acting career and relationship are both in a tailspin, Stone goes back home to the bustling metropolis of Boulder City.  Then days later Gosling just shows up.


I know you hate me, but I’m here to pick you up for a casting call for a movie that has like a one percent chance of hiring you.  But I think you’re going to get the part because that’s what’s going to cinch us the Oscar win.

Stone gets the part.  Then she moves to Paris and becomes a famous actress.  Meanwhile Gosling stays in LA and opens up his own jazz club.  Then one night five years later Stone’s idiot husband takes her to Gosling’s club for the most awkward moment ever.


Babe you okay?


Not really.  You see that super hot guy playing the piano?  I just imagined how complete my life would have been if I made the right choice and married him.  Not that I don’t love you, but you’re like the husband equivalent of a second place ribbon.

The End

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The Accountant Is A Movie About What Happens When They Run Out Of Ideas For A New Bourne

Ben Affleck from the movie the Accountant. He is in a suit with a tie wearing glasses. He is holding his lunch in a tupperware container. He has a badge on. He is looking off in the distance

When I went to the theater to buy a ticket for The Accountant, I just wanted to see if they’d say, “Thanks a lot sucker.  What kind of idiot thinks Hollywood would make a movie about a killer accountant?” But to my surprise they made the movie and made me thirteen dollars poorer.

In this movie Ben Affleck stars as an autistic killer who’s torn between opening an excel spreadsheet and opening a giant hole in somebody’s neck.

the accountant movie with Ben Affleck. He is in front of a white board looking pensive. He is wearing glasses with his collar undone and wearing a tie. There are numbers on the whiteboard. Written meme did I forget to carry the one or shoot that guy in the head

And his skill set is valuable for any client who likes run their business from cell block four.  But for a change of pace Affleck takes a job to investigate accounting irregularities at John Lithgow’s life sciences company.  Which is about as sexy as watching a real accountant do his job.

Now while all of this non-excitement is going on, J.K. Simmons the director of the treasury gets a bug up his butt and decides to go after Batman Ben the Accountant.  Simmons sends agent Cynthia Addai-Robinson to hunt down Affleck for like the whole freaking movie.  And the kicker is she never actually meets him.  Which made me say, “Nice way to create the movie tension of a wet noodle.”

Fortunately the excitement picks up when Affleck investigates Lithgow’s company and falls in puppy love with Anna “Pitch Perfect” Kendrick.  But no matter what she does, their relationship only advances to the sexual spark of sixth grade Sadie Hawkins dance.

the accountant movie with anna kendrick and ben affleck. Anna is in a jacket looking at Ben Affleck's shirt pocket. Ben Affleck has a pocket protector with pens in his pocket. He is wearing a suit, and has glasses on. he is looking at anna kendrick. Written meme Mental note: This guy is reaaally into protection

Eventually, Affleck finds out Lithgow is stealing money from his own company and then putting it back in.  Lithgow is doing this so that he can take the company public and become yet another billionaire bastard CEO.

The twist to the whole movie is Lithgow hires Affleck’s brother Jon Bernthal to take out his best friend, his sister and Affleck the serial killer spreadsheet savant.  But things don’t quite work out for Lithgow in the end.  Affleck shoots Lithgow in the head and then calmly says to his brother, “Sorry about that.  Why don’t we get together next week?”

ADD Movie Review:  When you mix an accountant with an emotionless killer all you really get is Batman’s much less successful brother.

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The Magnificent Seven Is A Slow Burn Shoot ‘Em Up Western With The Emphasis On The Word Slow

the magnificent seven poster with the words magnificent seven written in gold on a white background. Denzel washington, chris pratt, manuel garcia-rulfo, ethan hawke, lee byung-hun, vincent D'Onofrio, and Martin Sensmeier are in cowboy clothes standing between the letters of the words magnificent seven

The Magnificent Seven opens with Peter Sarsgaard and his henchmen burning down a church, killing some townsfolk and then offering to buy their land for the princely sum of twenty dollars.  Which made me say, “The only way you can make Sarsgaard more evil is by giving him a wicked laugh and a curly mustache.”

peter sarsgaard from the magnificent seven movie. He is wearing a dark gray jacket with a cowboy hat. He has a tan vest with a chain. He has a tie with a diamond in it. He is wearing a gun belt. Written meme in case you are wondering, this is my wild west evil dude pose

Meanwhile a couple of towns over Denzel Washington goes into a bar that looks like it is straight out of a Hollywood set.  Denzel then strikes up a conversation with the bartender and then fills the the guy full of lead.  Then Denzel says, “Relax wild west patrons I’m a warrant officer and I have a piece of paper that says I can kill more people than usual.”

Fortunately Haley Bennett witnesses the gunfight and convinces Denzel to save Rose Creek from Sarsgaard the Terrible.  And Denzel’s next move is to recruit Chris Pratt by telling him, “If you come on a job with me that has a 99 percent chance of death, I’ll buy you a horse.”  Which made say, “That’s like the worst sales pitch ever.”

Anyway, from here Denzel and Pratt start collecting five other fools who don’t like to live.  And these guys are real pieces of work.  They get Manuel Garcia Rulfo who is a Machete Lite, Ethan Hawke who is a gunfighter with PTSD, Lee Byung-hun who is a martial arts cowboy, Vincent D’Onofrio who is a stinky bear of a man and Martin Sensmeier who is a don’t eff with me Comanche warrior.  And for some reason all these guys go, “Sure, we’ll help as long as their is a good chance we’re all going to die.”

the magnificent seven movie with denzel washington leaning against a fence with the right arm propped up on the fence post. He is dressein all black with a cowboy hat. He has a gun belt with a gun on. Chris pratt is next to him dressin brown trowsers and a white shirt and brown vest. He has a cowboy hat and a bandana scarf. He has a gun belt with a gun. Written meme anyway you slice it, the band of dudes we've got is less magnificent and more like a collection of wild west weirdos

Finally once the seven reach Rose Creek, they instantly turn Sarsgaard’s security force into an undertaker’s wildest dream.  There’s so many people dead, Denzel and the boys start bragging about their body counts.  But their joy is short lived when they realize now they get deal with Sarsgaard and his dirty cowboy army.

So the seven booby trap the town with explosives and townsfolk who can’t shoot the side of a barn.  The cool thing is when Sarsgaard’s army attacks they get very decimated.  Then Sarsgaard is like, “Enough playing around, say hello to my little friend the gatling gun.”  And that’s when the body count goes up so quick, that I thought they were going to tally up how many people died on the screen.  

But fortunately the gatling gun is taken out by our idiotic hero Chris Pratt.  He literally walks up to it and blows it up with a stick of Jimmy Walker dyn-o-mite.

 jimmy walker with a blue hat and red shirt. holding his finger up with a lit fuse. The words dyn-o-mite are written in yellow. Jimmie walker in a fuse like writing is connecting to the word dyn-o-mite

Once the gun is taken out, Sargaard goes mano y mano with Denzel and then gets taken out with a satisfying shotgun to the head.

ADD review: The fight scenes are good as long as you can get through the whole “we need to have motivation for what we are doing” parts.

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Sully Tries To Explain Why Some Old Dude Turned An Airplane Into The World’s Largest Jet Ski

tom hanks from the movie sully. He is seen through an airplane window. He is standing in rough water with a dark gray sky in the background. Tom Hanks is wearing an airplane pilot's uniform. He is looking to the left and has his hand on his chest. Written below him is the name sully

The movie opens with Sully (Tom Hanks) imagining what would have happened if he crashed the plane into NYC instead of using the Hudson as a giant slip and slide.  Which made me go, “This is a smart guy because, there’s never really any parking available in Times Square.”

But once Sully gets past his senior moment, he and his co-pilot Aaron Eckhart go to a preliminary hearing with the transportation authority.  At the meeting the guys say that plane’s power was taken out by some birds who lost a game of engine chicken.  Therefore the only option they had was to turn the plane into a boat.  And that’s when the transportation authority is like, “Hold on sky cowboys.  We ran twenty computer simulations and you had enough power in the left engine to land safely in not so safe New Jersey.” 

tom hanks from sully the movie. Tom hanks is dressed in a white pilot's uniform. He has the phone up to his right ear. He has a communication device in his left ear. He has a concerned look on his face. Written meme sometimes I just think maybe I should stay away from things that fly 

Of coarse this information is shocking.  So to capitalize on our emotional investment, Clint shows us the water landing from the point of view of Sully and the air traffic controller.  Even though everyone survives, it still makes you feel like never buying a plane ticket ever again.  But that’s not the most messed up part.  This comes later when someone tells the air traffic controller, “You know the plane where you thought everyone died?  Well they actually made it and we totally forgot to tell you.  Sorry dude.”

But once that drama is over, Clint decides to show us the whole crash again from the first responders point of view.  Which is cool but it made me think, “This movie needs to have the option of fast forward.  Or Clint just needs to pay the editing department.”

clint eastwood and tom hanks from the movie sully. They are leaning on a railing. Clint eastwood has a FDNY hat, and he looks like he is talking to Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks has his arms crossed. Written meme by the way, nice job looking like Leslie Nielsen from airplane

After we see the crash again, they finally show the trial.  Initially the live simulations show that the pilots are able to land at both runways.  But that’s when Sully is like, “Hey idiots you didn’t take into account the time needed for the pilots to say, ‘You know, we’re really effed.’”  

So the transportation guys grudgingly add thirty five seconds to the simulation.  And that’s when both simulations land directly into a building.  Then the transportation guys are like, “Okay, you got us.  So let’s listen to the flight recorder and bore everyone with same exact wreck again.”  Which just made me go, “At this point I’ve seen the same wreck so many times, I feel like I’m qualified for PTSD benefits.”

ADD Movie Review:  Clint does a good job of keeping the story intense even though he had all of five minutes of source material.  You will see the same wreck three times in a row which is good news for anyone with ADD or the mind of a five year old.

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In Morgan They Make A Genetically Engineered Killing Machine In The Body Of An Emo Tween

Anya Taylor-Joy from the movie morgan. Anya is standing on a concrete step with a matress in the background. She is dressed in a gray hoodie. She is holding a bunny stuffed doll in her right hand. She has a blank look on her face. Morgan is written across the middle of the image

Morgan opens with a teenage girl who channels her anger by stabbing a scientist right the in the eye hole.  Which instantly made me go, “Well that was just a waste of twenty bucks on popcorn.”

In this movie a group of scientists make Morgan (Anya Taylor-Joy) who is part human, part robot, and all bitch.  And after the stabbing, the company who funds the Morgan project sends out Kate Mara to clean up the mess.  The only problem is this five foot three powerhouse looks like she would have difficulty taking on a strong gust of wind.

kate Mara from the movie morgan. Kate mara has her hair slicked back, she is in a black shirt. She has a look of being unimpressed. Written Meme Just So You know, This is my impressed look

But I suspended belief and spent the next half hour getting to know the scientists who were just going to end up dead as a doornail.  And every scientist in this movie is a tool except for the hunky cook who likes his kitchen stocked with good food, good people and a loaded rifle.  When Mara obviously points the rifle I was like, “So you’re telling me I should remember this for later.”

But the action really starts to pick up when the psychologist Paul Giamatti arrives to figure out why Morgan is 50 shades of crazy.  And like an idiot he goes into her locked room, riles her up and then ends up with Morgan using his neck as a Vegas buffet.

Anya taylor-joy from the movie morgan. She is in a white/gray hoodie. She has a look of bewilderment on her face. She has blood all over her lips and her mouth is partially open. Written meme my favorite snack is human neck

Which made me go, “Well he is a good actor, so I kinda think the bastard deserved it.”

Next Morgan is restrained and the head scientist Michelle Yeoh decides it’s time for Morgan to take a little dirt nap.  But once Yeoh leaves the room the other scientists get together and say, “Morgan has stabbed and killed but we just think she is a little misunderstood.  Let’s save our cute killer.” And that’s when Morgan turns on the scientists one by one and makes them all really dead.

But while all of this is happening, Kate Mara hunts Morgan like she’s freaking terminator.  Mara gets thrown out of a window, crashes a car and gets stabbed in the stomach by a log.  Which made me say, “It only too me the whole movie to figure out, that you are a crazy robot bitch too.”

ADD review:  It’s good.  If you can make it through the boring talky talky parts you just have to believe a five year old who looks like a tween cares more about killing and visting a lake than talking on the phone.

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Nerve Is The Classic Story Of Guy Meets Girl While Playing A Mobile Game Whose Best Outcome Is Not Dying

Dave franco and Emma Roberts from the movie Nerve. Dave franco is sitting on a motorcycle that it lit up with a blue underlight. Dave franco is sitting on the bike and has a leather jacket on with a motorcycle helmet in his hands. emma roberts is standing in front of the bike and is wearing jeans and a staten island jacket. Over both of them is the word nerve written in pink like a neon sign

The movie opens with Emma Roberts hiding behind a camera going, “I’m only doing this now so you can get blown away later when you find out I’m actually hot.”  But until that magic moment, Roberts plays second fiddle to her friend Emily Meade who plays a first rate witch.

Meade lives up to her reputation when she joins a mobile game called Nerve and tells Roberts, “This game is all dares little girl.  I’m a player.  And you are a watcher because you don’t have balls like me.”

And to push Roberts even more, Meade dares Roberts to talk to her boy crush Brian ‘Sene’ Marc.  But when Roberts doesn’t want talk to him, Meade goes right over to Marc and says,  “What do you think about getting with my girl?”  And he utters, “So sorry, I’m not into girls that look like a part time model.”

That’s when Roberts runs home embarrassed, turns on the computer and says, “Alright Kardashian wannabe bitch, time to select player and make a series of horrible decisions.”  And moments later Roberts gets a dare to kiss a stranger in a diner who just happens to be Dave Franco reading a book.  Which is funny, because in the real world he would probably be using the book to make the table not wobble.

Once Roberts kisses Franco, they get a dare to go to the city.   And that’s when Franco says, “I guess the watchers want to see just how dumb we will get.”

 from the movie nerve, dave franco is sitting on a motorcycle with blue underlights. Franco is in a leather jacket and jeans. Emma Roberts is sitting on the back of the bike in jeans and a staten island jacket. Emma roberts is listening to Dave franco talk. Written meme: how do you like riding on my ghetto tron bike?

Once they are in the city they get another dare to try on super expensive old people clothes.  But as they do this, another player steals their original clothes.  So get out of the store Roberts says to Franco, “This is a perfect time to strip down to our underwear and show everyone we just didn’t want to commit to the R rating.”

nerve movie with dave franco and emma roberts. Dave franco is standing next to emma roberts in an elevator. Franco has his hands over his junk. He is half naked. Franco is looking slyly at emma roberts. Emma roberts is in a white bra. She is covering her chest and looking at dave franco. Written meme: yelp, this is up ther with one of the stupidest ideas ever

Fortunately they get outside and learn the watchers have paid for the fancy old person clothes.  So they get dressed and then accept a dare to have Franco drive his motorcycle 60 mph through the city completely blindfolded.  Once they complete this dare Franco is like, “The most exciting thing about that was we didn’t die.”

Then after a few more dares, Franco admits that he and Machine Gun Kelly are trapped in the game and have to win in the finals to get out.  This leads to a final showdown where Roberts pretends to get killed by Machine Gun Kelly in a colosseum that looks like it got attacked by neon lights.  But the big twist in the end is that Roberts fakes her death while her hacker friends make all of the watchers accessories to murder.  Which prompts everyone to go, “I like the game, but I really don’t like the slammer.  I’m logging the eff off.”

ADD Movie Review:  The dares in Nerve are so exciting, that you don’t even really care about sailing right over every plot hole.


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The Nice Guys Is A 1970’s Buddy Detective Movie With A Nice Sprinkling Of Protest and Porn

The nice guys movie poster with russell crowe and ryan gosling. Yellow background with the nice guys written in big white font. russel crowe is standing with his arms folded in front of him in a blue jacket and sun glasses. Ryan gosling has a mustache with his hand on his chin. Gosling has his tie undone, has a broken arm on the left and a gun in a holster

In the Nice Guys, Russell Crowe plays a hitman for hire and Ryan Gosling plays a private dick.  Crowe and Gosling are in LA in the seventies so expect to see people who look like they just came off of a set of a Ron Jeremy porno.  There’s polyester, a little too much hair and not enough plot.

In the beginning Gosling is paid to find a girl named Amelia.  And Crowe is paid to tell Gosling, “This is not the chick you’re looking for.  And just so you get the point, now you get a broken arm.”

So Crowe thinks the job is over until he comes home to find two dudes who ask him about Amelia using only their fists.  The beating continues on until one idiot guy opens a bag in Crowe’s apartment and gets a blue paint money shot right to the face.  This is when Crow is like, “Say hello to my gun you stupid blue smurf.”

After this, Crowe is now annoyed.  So he tracks down Gosling in a bathroom right as Gosling is trying to drop a bomb.  It’s pure comedy because Gosling then draws his gun and has to keep on kicking the stall door open while his pants are down by his ankles.

ryan gosling from the nice guys sitting in a bathroom stall in a bowling alley bathroom. The stall is orange. Ryan gosling is sitting on the toilet holding a gun. He has his pants at his ankles. His left arm is broken. He is smoking a cigarette. Written meme ladies this is what happened to the dreamboat from the notebook

Eventually Gosling is persuaded to help Crowe because he really likes cash.  Next the guys go to Amelia’s protest group, which leads them to her boyfriends house and eventually to a party at a porn guys mansion.  Which is extremely seventies.

At this party Crowe interrogates people, Gosling gets drunk, and Gosling’s 13 year old daughter Angourie Rice finds Amelia proving she’s the best detective of the bunch.  But once Angourie finds Amelia, Crowe runs into the blue face bad guy.  Then Crowe is like, “Now I’m just going to kill you dead.”

So the guys find out everybody’s after Amelia because she’s made a protest movie about how Detroit is lying about car smog emissions.  And she decided to make this protest movie using a porno format.  Furthermore the head of the department of justice is trying to kill her and this person just happens to be her mother Kim Basinger.

Russell crowe and ryan gosling from the nice guys movie. Russell crowe is standing in a blue pleather jacket with his hands in his pocket. Ryan gosling is in a blue suit with an undone yellow tie. Gosling has a piece of paper in his hand. They are both in a room with leopard wall paper. Written meme so you're telling us your mom wants you dead, and her name is Kim Basinger? WTF.

So now the goal is to get that porno protest film.  As the guys go after the film, Amelia gets killed by Matt Bomer.  Then there is a big showdown at the LA auto show where Crowe beats up a whole bunch of people.   Meanwhile, Gosling gets drunk and barely recues the film from fire and oncoming traffic.

The Straight Dope:  This is a slow burning detective movie.  Gosling is great as the guy who thinks he has it all figured out, but in reality is stumbling through life like a drunk Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

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Money Monster Shows Us Greed Is Good Unless It Gets You Killed

George Clooney, Jack O'Connell and Julia Roberts in the poster for Money Monster. There is a split screen with Clooney looking stern, Jack O'connell holding a gun in the air and Julia roberts with a ear piece looking to the right. Below is a tv color bar with the words written money monster

In Money Monster we learn Wall Street’s all about crime for like the millionth time.  Yeah you’re never going to see “Wall Street: A Love Story.”

The movie starts out with George Clooney on his show Money Monster trying his best to teach everyone to be a giant Wall Street a-hole.  But almost immediately he gets interrupted by Jack O’Connell who’s delivering a personalized vest with a bomb.  He tells Clooney, “When I lost money on IBIS stock I realized your advice sucks.  IBIS didn’t go up so now you’re going to blow up.”  They Clooney’s producer Julia Roberts whispers into his earpiece, “Forget the show, you need to deal with that whole mess of crazy.”

After several tense moments Clooney finds out O’Connell lost $60,000 because he has the investing skills of Bozo The Clown.  So Clooney says he’ll give O’Connell the $60,000 but then O’Connell is like, “I’m not stupid, now I need 800 million.”  So Clooney is goes, “You’re not the only shareholder who lost money, but you are the only one with a gun.”

George Clooney from Money Moster the movie standing in front of a screen with money monster on it. George clooney is in a suit talking. JoeJcom written meme I wonder if this message is approved by trump

To fix the situation Clooney tells his audience to buy IBIS stock so the price will go up and the algorithms will start to buy.  And it looks like it is working until the stock drops like a rock.  Then Clooney goes, “Ok lets find that bastard CEO.”

But at this moment Clooney learns the police are prepared to detonate his bomb vest by shooting him on live TV.  Then Clooney tells O’Connell it’s time to take a little walk to see that slime of a CEO.  But on their way O’Connell goes, “I hate to tell you this, but your vest has the explosive power of play-doh.”  And then Clooney is like, “At this point I don’t care because we’re still going to that CEO you freaking moron.”

George Clooney from Money Monster the movie. Wearing a tie with a bomb vest. George Clooney is looking down, raising his eybrows and has his mouth is a dissatisfied look. Effin Funny Review written meme sucks to find out my bomb vest is sctually made out of low grade play-doh

In the final interview everyone learns the CEO Dominic West has been traveling to South Africa to move a stock up and down by inciting worker strikes.  And that’s when O’Connell takes Clooney’s vest off and goes, “Ok CEO now it’s your turn to wear the vest that goes boom.”  But once the CEO confesses to his crime O’Connell drops the detonator and gets shot dead.  Fortunately Clooney survives and is able to recover in the hospital with Julia Roberts and his big puppy dog eyes.

The Straight Dope:  This movie is an intense ride from the beginning.  So be prepared to walk out of the theater like you just worked a full day.

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Triple 9 Is A Star Studded Suspense Thriller In Which Almost Everyone Dies

In Triple 9 a bunch of cops get in bed with the Russian mafia which is like waking up next to a shirtless Putin.  Yeah, no matter how you look at that situation it’s about ten times worse than the walk of shame.    And the leader of the mafia Kate Winslet doesn’t make it any easier when she goes, “You do job or you end up like human caviar.”

Now the cops get in this mess when Chiwetel Ejiofor is like, “I need my son back from the Russian mafia.  You cops need money.  So why don’t we be dirty together?”  And Ejiofor has to do this job because Winslet is using his son as collateral and an excuse to be a giant witch.


So the cops figure to have enough time to do the Russian job they need to shoot a cop across town to create a police code called a triple 9.  Which is just a level above a triple 8 which means the “hot now” sign is on at Krispy Kreme.

Casey Affleck is the unfortunate target of the triple 9.  And Anthony Mackie’s job is to be a dirty cop who gives Affleck an unneeded  dose of led.   But the wrench in the plan is Woody Harrelson who is trying to figure out why this group of dirty cops thinks it’s fun to play with commie bastards.

But when the triple 9 finally goes down Mackie develops a conscious.  And that’s when he takes Afflecks bullet and ends up with a new skylight to the dome.


While this is happening Ejiofor and Clifton Collins  Jr. complete the Russian job.  Then everyone starts getting really dead.  Ejiofor blows up Winslet in her car.  Then Collins Jr. takes out Ejiofor.  And finally Collins Jr. gets bum rushed by Woody.  Which leaves Affleck going, “Man, writing this police report is really going to suck.”

The Straight Dope: If you get confused by all the characters and motive in the movie just remember one thing, almost everyone dies.  So don’t care too much.


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The Revenant Is A Story Of Overcoming All Odds Just To Kill The Bastard Who Killed Your Son

When you watch the Revenant you realize life in the 1800’s blows.  That’s right.  The movie starts out with Leo DiCaprio and his fur trapper buddies making tons of animals dead.  Then his crew gets attacked by a Cree Tribe who is like, “We want your fur booty.”  After this happens, Leo goes to the forest and a bear treats him like a human chew toy.  And to make things worse, the whole fight looks like Leo is raped like the prison bitch.  He’s on the ground.  The bear’s on top.  And there’s a whole bunch of unnecessary moaning.


Once the fight stops Leo has the movements of a bear doormat.  And the problem is his buddies can’t carry him to town because they’re weak and girly.  So Tom Hardy, Will Poulter and Leo’s son Forrest Goodluck decide to stay until Leo is dead.  Since Hardy is the only one getting paid to do this he starts digging a shallow grave pretty much before the other guys leave.  And not a day later Hardy is like, “Dude just die already!”

So Hardy gets anxious and kills Forrest in front of Leo.  Then he tells Poulter they need to leave before the Cree come.   So Leo’s only option is to raise from the grave like an 1800’s version of the terminator.  Sure he has broken bones and a messed up back, but that doesn’t stop him from moving like a gimp.

On sheer willpower alone, Leo drags himself across the forest and becomes a moving petri dish.


In the process of getting back to town he befriends a Pawnee, avoids the Cree twice and helps rescue an Indian chiefs daughter.  Which makes you think, “That’s impressive considering I can’t even take care of a paper cut.”

Eventually Leo tracks Hardy down.  In the final fight Hardy gets shot.  They both get stabbed.  And once Hardy is dead you’re like, “Gross.  Sure glad I finished my popcorn an hour ago.”

The Straight Dope:  The filming puts you right in the middle of the fights and action scenes.  And it really makes you appreciate the simple things like the ability to adjust your nest thermometer from your phone.


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