Pride And Prejudice And Zombies sounds like the souped-up version of that boring book you tried to forget in high school. It’s almost as if a movie studio executive said, “Austen’s okay, but her stories really need more zombie.”
And at the start of the movie it looks like they serve up a heaping helping of living dead. Because in this new version Mr. Darcy uses his gun to make zombie heads explode like a tomato with a lit firecracker. And the Chinese trained Bennet sisters use their fighting skills to give zombies the ole’ Kung Fu Panda.
For the Pride and Prejudice part Mr. Darcy (Sam Riley) still separates Jane Bennet and Mr. Bingley because he thinks Jane has the social standing of a bum.
Then Mr. Darcy falls for Elizabeth (Lily James) and proposes. But unfortunately he realizes his mistake when Elizabeth says, “That’s a hell to the no because, I’d rather be a 19th century cat lady. And just so you get the point, now I’m going to kick your ass.”
And Mr. Wickham is still a military man but now he gets to fight the zombie hoards while trying to look hot. But he continues to take money from Darcy, tries to run away with Elizabeth and actually runs away with the youngest Bennet sister. Which means he still ends up being a big giant bastard.
As for the zombie part of the movie, it seems like the director said, “Why don’t we just slide some zombies into the story with a little bit of duct tape and glue.” This is shown in the fact that they make the zombies about as dangerous as an annoying hangnail.
And even when Mr. Wickham announces he’s a zombie god and is going to lead the zombie hoards to victory, Mr. Darcy is like, “I’d be scared if you weren’t a British zombie with manners.”
The Straight Dope: In the end the zombies are defeated by blowing up a bridge. Which makes about as much sense as putting zombies in the movie in the first place. You’re probably better off just reading Austen on your tablet while watching 28 Days Later.
50 Shades Of Black starts out with Kali Hawk interviewing Marlon Wayans. As she interviews Marlon you realize this movie has the sexual tension of a night with Bozo the clown. Her questions are awkward and he exudes the creepiness of Gollum.
But surprisingly Kali falls for Marlon. And we know this because when she’s at her job at the hardware store she pulls out a pencil and proceeds to orally molest it. After 5 minutes of this you’re like, “Okay, that’s what I get for buying a ticket to 50 Shades Of Black.”
As the movie goes on the laughs and grossness continues. For example, Kali gets a little drunk one night and wakes up the next morning with Marlon staring right at her. When she asks Marlon if they had sex he’s like, “No, I’m a gentleman. And to prove it, here are my giant blue balls.”
So now that Kali is in his house, Marlon feels obliged to show her his sex torture room. But before she gets to experience the room it’s Marlon’s job to make her not a virgin. In the funniest scene in the movie, he takes off her pants and realizes to her showering and shaving is just a suggestion. That’s when as an audience we get to experience her underwear getting thrown at the wall and slowly sliding down. Gross.
The next best scene is when Kali rolls her eyes at Marlon. He doesn’t like this, so he gives her a spanking. But when his hand doesn’t hurt her, he pulls out a shovel, a sorority paddle, and a chair. And that’s when Kali says, “Maybe I should have told you about those butt implants.”
The Straight Dope: Marlon Wayans must have been like, “The only way we can spoof 50 Shades Of Grey is if it looks like it was rewritten by a 14 year old boy. You know, more jokes about poop, balls and wang.”
The Ride Along 2 is “The Force Awakens” of comedy. You’ve seen the plot before, but you just don’t care. Once again, Ice Cube plays the cop with the permanent WTF face. And Kevin Hart plays the winey little biatch. Now Hart’s role is believable. But Cube playing a cop? That just makes you go, “Didn’t he get famous for rapping ‘F*** The Police’?”
The big change in The Ride Along 2 is, it’s set it in Miami. And you know this because they show a whole bunch of water and boobies.
Cube and Hart go to Miami to capture a criminal computer hacker played by Ken Jeong. The problem is when Jeong sees the guys he runs away like a little girl. So Hart runs after him through backyards, jumps on a trampoline, and then ends up face first in a chicken coop. And when Hart comes out of the coop Cube looks at him like, “Man you just got beat worse than Ronda Rousey.”
Eventually Hart and Cube capture Jeong. But they lose him later in a night club. Once this happens, Cube and Hart come outside of the club and see Cube’s car blow up like it’s in a bad Pitbull video. That’s when officer Olivia Munn comes to the scene dressed up in her best bra top. Yeah, the producers must have been like, “You’re a respected officer of the law, so show plenty of chest.”
So of coarse Cube decides to work with Munn because now he respects her mind. And once again the boys track down Jeong. This time they learn Jeong worked for the bad guy Benjamin Bratt and stole a boatload of his cash. So much cash that Bratt’s henchmen want Jeong to be really dead. This leads to a car chase where Hart imagines he’s driving in Grand Theft Auto. Points go up on the screen. Cars turn into pixels. And Cube turns into a computerized version of the same a-hole cop.
All of these chases lead to the final showdown with Bratt. In the end Bratt dies and Hart saves Cube by taking two bullets to the chest. The funny part is once Cube learns Hart has a bullet proof vest on, Cube uses him as a human shield. Way to go brother in law.
The Straight Dope: You’ve got to see this movie for the GTA, telephone and pizza scenes. This is not an Oscar contender, but then again I don’t think they care.
Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse proves nothing brings bros together like killing an undead stripper. That right, problems seem to melt away when all she’s really after is to suck the brain out of your skull.
The movie starts out with scouts Tye Sheridan, Logan Miller and Joey Morgan going on a campout. The problem is Tye and Logan want to quit scouts because that uniform is like kryptonite for girls. They realize women don’t find a man sexy when he wears badges and a handkerchief tie.
So Tye and Logan ditch Joey to go to a secret senior party. But once Tye and Logan get into town they notice it’s unusually quiet. But more importantly they notice there’s no bouncer at the strip club. And the boys are like, “This is a gift from God.”
So they go into the club and get a dance. But unfortunately the dance is by a zombie stripper with half of her neck missing. That’s when the boys get a nice full facial of blood. But things only get gross when a bad ass hot chick named Denise uses her shotgun on the stripper’s head like she’s playing whack-a-mole.
Fortunately Denise and the boys get away. But they continue to be chased by a group of bastard zombies. Like at one point Tye is trapped in a second story window and does not want to fall. So naturally, he stops his fall by grabbing onto a zombies wang. Yeah, we get a nice close up of the zombie’s manhood stretching before it finally snaps off and lands into another zombies mouth. Now that’s quality filmmaking.
But the best part of the movie is when the all the guys get back together and bring out the zombie weed-whacker, the nail gun arrow, and the pop gun that takes out multiple zombies in a row. Giving them a chance to finally earn that undead killer badge.
The Straight Dope: You’ll love this movie if you’re a teenage boy or just simply think like one. Furthermore I think Mark Wahlberg and Ted would be proud to put their stamp of approval on this fine piece of work.
In American Ultra Jesse Eisenberg’s big accomplishment in life is getting a job at the cash and carry.
But one night everything changes when he gets activated as a sleeper agent. And instantly he’s like, “Is this real, or just a bad high?” But he finds out how real it is when two assassins mess with his car and he kills them with a spoon. That’s right. His method of elimination is open the drawer, pull out the spoon and kill the humans. Hey GI Jesse, that’s some seriously messed up training.
But Eisenberg is so freaked out about what he’s done he asks his girlfriend Kristen Stewart, “Am I just a killing robot?” And she’s like, “No, but I’m pretty sure you own Facebook. So now that you know, let’s ditch this small town.”
But the two of them have no time to reflect before they get taken off to jail. Then the jail gets attacked and its up to Eisenberg to give more bad guys a dirt nap. After he kills them, KStew thinks it’s a good time to tell him she’s was hired to be his handler. And that’s when most of the stoners in the audience went, “Whoa!”
Not long after this revelation, Kstew gets captured. So, Eisenberg taps into his inner badass and attacks all the bad guys with dust pans, cans of tomatoes, and frozen hamburgers. And all of the bad guys are like, “Why can’t you just fight normal.”
The Straight Dope: Eisenberg is the perfect antihero. He’s part stoner and part opportunist killer. If he was a superhero his name probably would be convenience store man.
In Pixels aliens intercept a space probe we sent out in 1982. They take one look at the images on that probe and go, “That Pacman is one bad dude.” Apparently we find the only E.T.’s dumber than us. Because the aliens think the images are an act of war. Yeah, that makes sense. Who wouldn’t be afraid of a probe powered by a 9-volt with images from an eight track.
But the aliens are convinced this means war. And they strike first by attacking us with giant pixelated versions of 1982 game characters. The military freaks out and alerts our president Kevin James. That’s right in the future we elect Paul Blart. Which means, the new list of presidents goes Lincoln, Kennedy and that mall cop on a Segway.
Fortunately President Blart is able to get together some of the best gamers from 1982. He rounds up Josh Gad, Peter Dinklage and Adam Sandler and tells them, ”We win or the earth is toast.” But unfortunately the guys have that gamer body that makes you think there’s really nothing fantastic about those four.
But that’s what is cool about this movie. It’s up to the gamers to defeat life sized a Centipede, PacMan and Donkey Kong. Letting the world know all of those hours in front of the Atari comes in handy as long as the earth is attacked by a demented alien force.
The Straight Dope: This movie is fun. You know you’re in the right state of mind to see it if you love old school games or love the idea the world could be saved by Happy Gilmore and President Blart.
Trainwreck is a movie about how not to become the creepy old person in the club. You know the one who makes you do a double take and say, “I need to find someone tonight. I’ll take anything, even that youngish looking troll in the corner.”
But that’s the beauty of a train wreck. They never seem to say, “Hey I’m about a decade past my prime.”
Now in this movie the train wreck is Amy Schumer. Whenever anyone gets close she’s like, “Sorry, I’m already committed to my plant. Yeah, I’ve got a lot of watering to do.”
But her attitude changes when she hooks up with sports doctor to the stars Bill Hader. He completely throws her off her game just because he’s not a giant prick. This confuses Amy so she goes to her sister and says, “You’re married how did you decide to become dead inside?”
Eventually, Amy and Bill do become a couple. But the whole time Amy is with Bill, she looks for ways to give the relationship the old torpedo. This finally happens when Amy argues with Bill all night and makes him to tired to do an important surgery. This is her low point. She loses her man and her job just like a bad Taylor Swift song.
But in the end, Amy wins Bill back by dancing with the Knicks cheerleaders and attempting a basketball dunk with a trampoline. The dancing is great. But the basketball shot is a painful lesson in gravity.
The Straight Dope: Amy is the real deal. She knows how to turn “that girl” in the club into somebody we all look at and go, “And how did she get married? I guess he doesn’t know her past!”
Ted wants give his wife a baby. But the problem is he’s hung like a Ken doll. So Ted and Mark Wahlberg decide, let’s go steal some sperm from Tom Brady. This is a dicey proposition, even before the whole deflated balls scandal.
So when they fail, Wahlberg offers to donate his sperm. But things go wrong when the boys are at the fertility clinic and Wahlberg gets trapped under a falling rack of semen samples. It’s never good when you’re attacked by a wall o’ gism.
But all of this doesn’t matter because Ted’s wife is infertile and they have to adopt. And that’s when the government is like, “We just can’t just give a kid to a creepy plush toy like you.”
So Ted and Wahlberg hire Amanda Seyfried as their civil rights attorney. After a lengthy court prep montage, they go to court, and promptly lose. Next they try to hire the top civil rights attorney Morgan Freeman. But Freeman says, “To be human you need more qualities than doing drugs and being an ass. Ted, I may have played God, but for you there is no miracle.”
Ted is devastated. He runs off to Comic-Con but then gets kidnapped. Mark Wahlberg is able to save Ted, but Mark gets critically injured. And that’s when TV cameras capture true emotion from Ted. Finally Morgan Freeman is like, “Now this is a case I can make money on. I need to call them up.”
The Straight Dope: Ted 2 makes us question what is it to be human. And also why all of us laugh at jokes about doo-doo and semen – no matter how many times we see it. On second thought, maybe it doesn’t take much to be human after all.
The Entourage movie promises to take us to the next level. I never knew there’s a level beyond crazy stupid cash and fame. Even the one percenters in Hollywood are like, “Yeah, that’s not real.”
But why did it take them so long to come up with this movie? In the time it took to make Entourage they could have made the whole Game of Thrones.
In Entourage Ari gives Vince one hundred million dollars to act and direct a movie. And about five minutes later Vince says, “We need more cash.” So Ari has to go get money from the the film backers Billy Bob Thorton and his son Haley Joel Osment. Billy Bob sends his son to Hollywood to check in on the movie and basically act like a Beverly Hillbilly.
Meanwhile during the whole movie Turtle and E spend their time doing nothing important. But I have to admit it is entertaining to see Turtle get in the ring with Ronda Rousey. They get in the ring, she charges Turtle and instantly you think, “She’s really going to beat his ass. She is going to put Mr Christian Grey to shame.”
Another highlight of the movie is when TMZ releases a sex tape by Johnny Drama. The problem is it’s a solo tape called Johnny’s banana. As far as sex tapes go this is just a step above pretty much nothing.
The Straight Dope: As you can imagine everything comes together in the end. The movie is a success. Drama gets a golden globe. Ari makes a ton of money. And you’re in the audience going, “I waited for this? Nice, I just paid $12.50 for an extended episode.”
Hot Pursuit is a movie about a straight laced cop and a high maintenance idiot. Reese Witherspoon plays the cop. And Sofia Vergara plays a role that sends the equality of women back fifty years. Way to lean in Parenthood.
As you can imagine, Sofia Vergara doesn’t transform that much for this role. She’s a sexy vixen. Whereas Reese Witherspoon takes on sex appeal of a meter maid. I can just imagine Reese saying, “Ma’am we’re undercover. I need you to dial down the hotness. You don’t always have to turn it up to 11.”
In this movie Reese needs to get Sofia to Dallas to testify against a cartel boss. Sofia does not want to do this because people who mess with the cartel tend to die. And Sofia looks like she’s not yet ready to hear, “Say hello to my little friend.” At least not in that context.
A lot of drama happens when a couple of dirty cops turn on Reese and Sofia. So now they have to do some pretty ridiculous things to get to Dallas. The girls steal a truck, take over a tour bus, and for some reason put on a deer costume to pass a police check point. Yeah, none of this sounds very normal to me. Apparently in movie land the only way to avoid the police is to choose the most moronic transportation possible.
But eventually when they get to Dallas Sofia reveals she wants to kill the cartel boss because he killed her brother. And that she is actually smart and has planned the whole thing. Yeah, that makes absolutely no sense.
The Straight Dope: The idea of Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara teaming up is a good idea. It just so happens this movie wasn’t. You may want to stay home for this one.
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