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In Logan The Remaining Xmen Battle An Army Of Bad Guys And A Lifetime Of Arthritis

Hugh Jackman from the movie logan. He is in a black jacked with the rain falling on him. He has his claws out and looking down pensively. The words logan are written over the poster

ADD Review: The movie Logan is like a VH1 special of “Where Are They Now.”   The once powerful Wolverine is a limo driver with the not so special power of gout.  And as a treat we also get to see that Professor X now has a memory of a sieve and a serious swearing habit.

comic popcorn movie bar with the words doesn't blow. There is a smiley face with a side grin. Under the smiley face are the words interesting throughout. Next to this is a bar graph with the words audience laughs. The bar is rated meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The rating is in yellow at meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

SET UP: In Logan the invincible Wolverine becomes a broke down Uber driver with bad vision.  And when he is not driving his limo, he’s scoring prescription drugs for for his boy Prof X.

STEPHEN MERCHANT THE MUTANT

Hey Wolverinie, the professor is still having seizures.  Which means your supply is really whack.

LOGAN

Hey powder get off my back.  I’m doing the best I can so what I need you to do is shut the hell up and appreciate living in this dump in the middle of Mexico.

Hugh Jackman from Logan with a full beard. wearing a white shirt and black suit jacket. Written meme: In case you didn't know, the once great wolverine transforms into a broke down uber driver who does Abe Lincoln Impressions on the side

Just then Professor X seizes.

LOGAN

Oh great, looks like I need to inject the old man again before his mind powers eff this place up even more.

Later on, when Logan is driving his uber limo, he gets a call and to pick up a mom and daughter.

MOM

I know you’re Wolverine and I know you can take me and this little girl to the mutant haven called Eden.

LOGAN

Well lady here’s what I know I like cash.

Logan goes back to his Mexican compound to get ready for the trip.  But when he comes back to pick up the mom and daughter he finds out the mom is killed really super dead.

LOGAN

Hmm…something doesn’t seem right.  Let me hop into my limo and lead the bad guys directly to professor X

Once Logan goes back to the Mexican compound he finds out the little girl hitched a ride in his limo.

PROFESSOR X

Don’t be mad, this little girl is special.

LOGAN

No old man, what’s special is you’re flying high on Xanax.

Just then a whole bunch of really tough bad dudes roll up.  They try to go after the little girl but epically fail when she turns into a mini wolverine killing machine.

PROFESSOR X

I told you.  Buy the way congrats dad.

LOGAN

Get in the effin’ limo old man.

Then Logan picks up the little girl and they have a car chase scene straight out of Mad Max.  Fortunately Logan, Professor X and the little girl escape.

Patrick stewart is in the back of a limo holding onto the driver seat looking like he is saying something. Hugh Jackman is driving with a quizzical look on his face. From the movie logan. Written meme: Logan I don't mean to be a Back Seat driver but could you hurry up and kill those bad guys so we can stop at the little boys room? 

But then later on the bad guys catch up to them, while they are staying with a nice family.

PROFESSOR X

Logan, it was  nice to have dinner with this nice family in the nice house in the middle of nice nowhere.

ALT GENETICALLY ENGINEERED LOGAN

Too bad it’s now time to turn this house into a nice little blood bath.

And that’s when Alt Logan goes on stabbing party.  But once again the real Logan, Professor X and the little girl escape.  Later on Professor X kicks the bucket.  

LOGAN

Damn you Alt Logan, it’s not fair.  You killed my boy Prof X and and you look ten times hotter than me.  

Next, Logan passes out from grief and pain.  Then Little Wolverine dumps him in the truck and drives to Eden. 

LOGAN

Hey little girl, you know what’s effed up, I pass out for a couple of days and you just drive across half of the frickin’ country.

LITTLE WOLVERINE

If you are mad at that then, you are really not going to like we pumped you with some green mutant juice to heal you up and be less of an a-hole.  Obviously it didn’t work.

The next day Little Wolverine leaves with all of the mutant kids to escape to freedom.  But Logan sees the bad guys coming and has the brilliant idea to inject green mutant juice unit it is coming out of his eyeballs.  Logan goes into beast mode, kills a whole army and then collapses dead as a doornail.

Da End

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Suicide Squad Is A Little Weak, But Come On, When Has A Supervillain Plot/Plan Ever Worked?

suicide squad poster with jared leto, will smith, viola davis, margot robbie surrounding the words suicide squad. The syle is like a comic book

Suicide Squad starts with Viola Davis introducing every bad guy like she’s reading off the degenerate version of LinkedIn.  We quickly learn Will Smith is called Deadshot and he never misses a target or a fat payday.  Then you have Margot Robbie who got romanced by Jared Leto the Marilyn Manson of Jokers.  But the real baddie of the bunch is Cara Delevingne who is Enchantress the witch.  She has the power to destroy the whole world and the whole movie.

Davis puts this team together because she wants to protect the US from a future evil Superman or a current questionable Trump.  But as soon as the team gets the green light, Enchantress runs away, frees her brother and then starts building a witchy woman machine to make the world dead.  And Davis is like, “Yeah, that was completely opposite of my plan.”

So her next move is to put the Suicide Squad in play by sending  them to battle people who have been turned into large turd monsters.  And this is when Smith really shines as Deadshot because he gives every monster the gift of lead.

Once the squad gets done laying waste to monsters, we learn this battle was just to save Davis.  Which kinda makes you go, “Well that was an effin waste of time.”  But once Davis is safe, everyone goes to the roof a building to get picked up by a military helicopter.  But when they get to the roof the helicopter lights it up like the fourth of July.  And that’s when we learn Joker and his boys are in the helicopter just to pick up Harley Quinn, the Arkham centerfold of the month.

Margot Robbie from the moie Suicide Squad. She has her hair in pony tails. One pony tail is red and the other is blue. She has her mouth open in a smile with her tongue licking her lips. She has the look of crazy animation. She is holding a mallet you would use at the circus. On the mallet is a smiley face with two x's for eyes. Written meme: she Has taken it to a whole new level of crazy

Once Harley Quinn is on the helicopter Davis is like, “Hey Deadshot, I think one of your bullets would feel right at home in her head.”  But that’s when Smith misses and Davis is forced to call in an airstrike right out of thin air.  Fortunately Harley Quinn escapes but we are led to believe the Joker is dead, dead, dead.  And this gives Leto plenty of time to apply more make up and enjoy the full offerings of the craft services table.

Next Davis is taken by Enchantress.  And that’s when Smith is like, “She was a bitch, so let’s go have a drink.”  Only after five minutes of weak sauce pep talk the team decides to go after Enchantress and her super huge brother.

Finally this is when we get see the very shy Diablo turn into a giant flaming dude.

diablo from the movie suicide squad. He has gang and death tatoo's on his body and face. He is holding up his right hand with a flame. The picture next to him is the olympian Pita taufatofua from tonga. He is carrying a flag and walking in the opening ceremonies. He has oil all over his body. He is not wearing a shirt

With teamwork, the squad is able to take out the brother.  Then Robbie is able to trick the witch and cut out her heart.  Finally Smith is able shoot an explosive in the middle of the machine so it looks like somebody hit rewind on CGI maker 2001.

ADD Movie Review:  The movie would have been better if they let Joker build the team of baddies.  But instead we got fifteen minutes of Joker and like 15 hours of weird witchy plot.

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In Captain America: Civil War We Learn If Superheroes Show Up To Your Town, You Probably Want To Move

In Captain America: Civil War Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr. fight over signing a piece of paper.  Robert Downey Jr. goes, “This paper gives the UN power to put our team in check.  And I’d appreciate it if you’d sign and not be a little bitch”  And Evans is like, “Forget the paper Ironboy, what you need to check is your mouth.”

From the beginning 0f the movie the team is told by the government, “Thanks for the help but stop acting like a Hulk in a china shop.  To stop one bad guy you don’t need to destroy a whole frickin city.”

So the team gets divided on who’s going to sign the paper.  And of coarse Captain America refuses to sign like a toddler who doesn’t get ice cream.  But maybe he’s right because at the UN signing party it looks like Bucky the Winter Soldier presents them with a gift of a bomb.

That’s when Chadwick Boseman, Scarlett Johansson and Evans go after Bucky.  This is the first time we see Boseman in the Black Panther costume which looks cool until you realize that’s a dude with fingernails jumping around in leather.

captain_america_civil_war_black_panther

This chase goes on and on until Bucky tries to escape in a helicopter.  But fortunately Evans is there to grab the helicopter, then curl it back down to the helipad and give the camera a look like, “Welcome to the gun show.”

So now Bucky is caught.  But he escapes really quickly when the resident weirdo of the movie Daniel Bruhl activates him with what sounds like Russian for Dummies. Once Bucky is loose, the teams really split up.  Robert Downey Jr. drafts Spiderman.  And Evans picks up Ant Man who is like the drunk uncle of superheroes.

Next, there is a big fight between team Captain America and team Iron Man.  A break out star of the fight is Spiderman who loves to use his web and make comments like, “Hey Cap what’s with the shield, that thing doesn’t obey any law of physics.”

captain_america_civil_war_chris_evans

And the other star is Ant Man who gets to go from tiny to giant size while giving everyone some serious smack talk.

In the end we find out that this whole civil war was set up by Daniel Bruhl so he could see the Avengers destroy each other in a brand new city.  It kind of works because at the end of the movie Robert Downey Jr. gets a letter from Evans going, “So we’re not on good terms, but if you need me and my team just give us a call.  And by the way, you can also give me a call if you want to let me know I was right.”

The Straight Dope.  By far the best comedy comes from Robert Downey Jr., Spiderman (Tom Holland) and Ant Man (Paul Rudd).   But it’s important to realize with all that comedy comes a massive amount of destruction which gives everyone a property value of zero.

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For Hardcore Henry Get Some Popcorn Because You’re Going To Vomit In POV

Hardcore Henry is shot in first person point of view by a film crew with some serious ADD.  It’s like the director got the crew together and said, “Our vision for this film is to make everybody spew chunks.”

hardcore_henry_sharlto_cop_clothes

The movie starts out with us the audience waking up as Henry who is basically Robocop Version Two Point Adderall.  Our hot wife Haley Bennett tells us, “Before I turn your voice box on, I just want to make sure all you can say is yes dear, my beautiful queen.”

But before Henry gets a voice, Haley and Henry get attacked by Danila Kozlovsky who’s the bad guy of the movie who looks like a low rent Kurt Cobain.  But he is no match for Haley and Henry who take an escape pod that flies through the air down to the city below.  Making you go, “Was that lab just frickin’ floating up in the sky?  WTF?” 

But immediately when they get to the ground Haley gets captured and we the audience learn we must be in Moscow because the bad guys speak Russian before they become dead.  But Henry is not good at killing yet, so Sharlto Copley shows up and says, “Let’s get out of here and steal a power source for you from a really upstanding guy named Slick Dimitri.”  But not five seconds later Sharlto gets shot and loses half of his head.  So of coarse, Henry assesses the situation and then just jumps right back into first person movie massacre.

Once Henry finds Slick Dimitri they have a really cool point of view chase over the top of a bridge that ultimately ends up with Henry ripping the power source right out of Dimitri’s chest.  Then a nerd version of Sharlto shows up and tells Henry,  “The best guy to put in that battery is a version of myself who lives in a brothel and wears a banana hammock.”

hardcore_henry_sharlto_leopard_print_underwear

So Henry gets the power and then he goes to Sharlto’s secret lab.  Henry learns Sharlto is a paraplegic who creates VR clones to live out his fantasies and annoy everyone else.  Sharlto also tells him they’re going to take out Danila and his army of cyborgs so get ready for the body count to go way up.

Then there is non-stop point of view fighting with Sharlto, Henry, Danila and a whole bunch of random extras.  Finally in the end Henry learns Haley is not his wife.  And he is just an experiment to create a cyborg super soldier.  Upon hearing this Henry takes his eyeball out, wraps the nerve around Danila’s head and then severs it completely off.  Then Henry chases Haley into a helicopter and makes sure when she’s in the doorway hanging on for dear life that he just shuts the door right on her fingers.  Making this the worst love story ever.

The Straight Dope:  Sharlto is awesome in this movie.  The problem is in order to see his scenes you’ve got to suffer through minutes of a mute guy trying his hardest to make you hurl.

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Batman v Superman Is So Dark It’s Like It Was Written By An Emo Internet Troll

Batman v Superman is a tale of two dudes who disagree on everything even their choice in superhero spanx.  Yeah, Superman is more of a summer and Batman likes the depressed emo black.

In this movie Ben Affleck plays Batman who feels Superman has way too much power and not enough respect for a grown man who likes to dress up like a bat.

ben_affleck_batman_v_superman

Affleck figures the only way to kill this superhuman jerk is to get some bomb ass kryptonite.  And he sees his chance to get the kryptonite when Jesse Eisenberg (Lex Luthor) tries to transport it in a truck.  To get to this truck Affleck takes out several henchmen and then just drives his batmobile straight through the side of a building like butter.  But then that killjoy Superturd shows up and turns his little batcar into a permanent part of the street.  Then Superman says,  “Hey mental patient, when you see that batsignal that’s your cue to sit the eff down.”

To fuel Batman’s hatred of Superman, Eisenberg and Senator Holly Hunter invite Superman to stand trial for destroying way too much stuff.  But for some reason Superman thinks it’s cool to show up in court in his blue and red costume.  Yeah, nothing says professional like coming to court in a cape.  But as soon as Superman gets to court, Eisenberg decides to blow the whole place up and make everyone really dead.

Meanwhile Affleck finally steals the kryptonite.  Then he creates kryptonite weapons and bulks up by doing pulls ups with a dirty tire and a janky chain.  Making you think, “Dude you’re worth a billion dollars, why do you need to work out like Rocky Balboa?”

It’s all worth it when Affleck puts on his kick ass batsuit, turns on the bat signal and goes, “Let’s see who’s the little B now.”  But the only reason Superman goes to fight Affleck is because Eisenberg kidnaps Superman’s mother and tells him he needs to fight Affleck like it’s the Thunderdome.

batman_v_superman

At first Superman tries to reason with Affleck.  But when Affleck refuses to listen, Superman starts tossing him around like a little girl.  But that’s when Affleck shoots Superman with kryptonite gas and gives him a bathroom sink to the dome.  Before Affleck stabs Superman with a kryptonite spear, Superman says, “He’s going to kill Martha.”  That’s when Affleck totally freaks out and goes, “Dude I didn’t know our mothers had the same name.  Maybe you’re not a bad guy after all.”

So now Batman goes to save Superman’s mother and Superman goes to make Eisenberg’s day really suck.  But that’s when Eisenberg releases a monster who looks a lot like a big rip off of the hulk.  But the monster only dies when Superman stabs him in the heart with the kryptonite spear.  That’s when we are lead to believe Superman is dead.  But you only believe this if you’re under the age of ten.

The Straight Dope:  If you can make it past the moody, broody parts in the beginning then you are treated to some nice uplifting scenes of crazy fights and over the top explosions.

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Mockingjay Part 2 Is A Jam Packed Explosive Ride Of Depression

In Mockingjay Part 2 Jennifer Lawrence opens the movie with a jacked-up neck and the speaking ability of a mime.  That’s right. The only way she can communicate is to write a note or shoot someone with an arrow.  What genius said, “I think it’s a good idea for the girl on fire not to speak.  She doesn’t need an Oscar.”

But fortunately Lawrence gets her voice back.  And right away she tells Julianne Moore,  “I’m going to fight on the front lines like a baller.”  And Moore is like, “Great, now we have to figure out how to spin her death.”

mockingjay_2_julianne_moore_philip_seymour_hoffman

So Moore tries to compromise with Lawrence and tells her, “You can fight but you’ll be miles away from the action and you’ll have more media coverage than a Kardashian.  Oh and by the way we’re sending you with Gale the boyfriend you never loved and Peeta the boyfriend who is trying to kill you.  Good luck.”

So J.Law, J.Hutch, L.Hems and a special forces team head out to kill President Snow who is also know as D.Suth.

donald_sutherland_dsuth

But the problem is the whole city is booby trapped with guns, hot oil, and really aggressive green sewer guys.

But eventually the resistance captures Snow.  And Snow tells Lawrence, “Hey idiot, you’re being played by both sides.”  This is confirmed when Moore becomes president and institutes a new hunger games.  So of coarse Lawrence reacts really maturely and puts an arrow straight through Julianne Moore’s heart.  Hey Katniss, I don’t think that sensitivity training worked.

mockingjay_2_jennifer_lawrence_with_bow_and_arrow

The Straight Dope:  This movie shows the ugly side of war.  A bunch of people die and then everyone is left going, “Great, we have no water, food or internet.  This blows.”

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Spectre Has Cars, Guns, Girls And About Two Hours Of Unnecessary Movie

When they asked Daniel Craig to be bond again he probably said, ‘The price to play 007 just went up to double oh $39 million.  Make it easy on yourself, just drop off about five armored trucks full of cash.  I want to go out like a bond villain.”

The movie opens during the Day of the Dead parade with Craig in a skeleton mask looking like a demented Mexican wrestler.  And all the drug cartels are like, “That British dude is loco.”  This reputation is well earned because Craig proceeds to blow up a building and then just throws a bad guy out of a helicopter onto the crowd below.  Way to go double oh not so subtle at all.

spectre_bond_day_of_the_dead

But when Craig gets back to London they tell him you’re grounded and by the way we’re going to kill the 007 program.  So Craig says, “Ok, good luck finding me in Rome.  I’ll be the one doing actual work and giving you the bird.”

Now Craig leaves because he is on this secret mission to take out the leader of Spectre played by Christoph Waltz.  Christoph doesn’t have a fluffy white cat or a golden gun but what he does have is the ability to speak very well.  Making him the worse bond villain ever.

As Craig travels to Rome, Austria, and Tunisia he learns that the person dismantling the 007 program is working with Spectre.  This gives Craig one more chance to remind everyone his license includes the word kill.  So Craig meets up with Fiennes, Money Penny and Q to take out Spectre by blowing up half of London.

james_bond_license_to_kill

But the best part of the movie is when Craig has a drag out battle with Dave Bautista.  Once Craig is victorious the damsel in distress Lea Seydoux says, “What do we do now?”  So Craig gives her the look like darling, we’re gonna bone and then I’m going to cash that check for 39 million.

The Straight Dope: This movie starts out with a bang in Mexico City.  They you get to see the rest of the film which is about as exciting as a two hour wait at the DMV.

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Transporter Refueled Is The Low Octane Ride Of The Summer

Transporter Refueled gives us another reason to avoid British guys in a suit. Because the moment they put on that suit, jump in that European car, you know there goes half of Paris.

But for this latest movie they call it refueled because they try to trick us with a different British bloke.  Thinking we’re not going to notice they just refueled the movie with Statham lite.

skrein_lite_beer

Making the movie feel less like a well-tuned Audi and more like a grandma driving a Prius.

In the new movie the transporter Ed Skrein is forced to help a group of hot female assassins take out their former pimp.  He has to do the job because, they show him a video of his father being held hostage by a beautiful girl.  And Skrein’s like, “I’ll do anything as long as you don’t show my father having sex.  That’s just gross.”

So Skrein and the girls proceed to destroy the pimp’s organization.  And every step of the way they find a reason to drive an Audi in completely ridiculous places.  Like jumping an Audi into the airplane passenger boarding bridge.  Yeah this is the same people bridge where you can barely fit carry-on luggage.

crowded_jetway_written_yeah_no_room_for_a_transporter_and_his_audi

But as things progress the pimp gets mad which leads to a shoot out like the movie Scarface.  Although in the Transporter’s case, you really don’t care if anyone kicks the bucket.

The Straight Dope:  Even without Statham, if you give me some action and a British accent I will pretty much see any thing even if it is called The Janitor: Urinal Cakes Reloaded.

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In Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation Tom Cruise Takes On The Whole World Of Terrorism

Mission Impossible Rogue Nation shows us it really hurts to be a spy.  Being a spy is like stepping into the ring with Ronda Rousey. You may get in, but you’re leaving with a vacation in the ER.

Regardless of the danger, Tom Cruise is back to take on another mission.  But he quickly learns when you blow up the Kremlin they take your job.  This is bad news for Cruise, but good news for a terrorist organization called the syndicate.  And the syndicate celebrates by blowing a bunch of stuff up.

psy_blow_up_stuff_in_style

Cruise does not like this so he decides to take the syndicate out.  He calls up his old buddy Simon Pegg and says, “How about working for free?”  But as they start to investigate Cruise falls for a hot spy named Rebecca Ferguson.  Sometimes she helps and sometimes she doesn’t which make you wonder is she a double agent or just a bitch.

This cat and mouse game goes to Morocco where Cruise has to free dive for three minutes to help steal a flash drive.  This scene makes you go, “I never thought I’d see someone drown in the middle of the desert.” But of coarse Ferguson steals the drive from Cruise and he has to chase her down on a motorcycle.  But Ferguson makes Cruise wreck and gives him a look like, you need to learn how to ride a bike.

tom_cruise_big_wheel_mission_impossible

For the final battle everyone ends up in jolly old England.  The head of the syndicate wants the drive to get access to money.  But Cruise throws him for a loop and says, “I memorized all of the account numbers.  How you like me now.  That’s how we do it in the good ole USA.”

The Straight Dope: This movie is action packed.  It’s got planes, bikes and diving.  And a hot British chick that makes you go, “Maybe England is that stuffy after all.”

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In Terminator Genisys Skynet Tries To Destroy The World Again

So Schwarzenegger is in the new Terminator Genisys.  I don’t know what’s stronger, a terminator or Arnold’s career.  Because every time you count that dude out he’s like, “I’m back bitches.”  Yeah, we know.  You’ll be back, and back, and back.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he writes “I’ll be back” on his tombstone.

schwartzenegger_tombstone

But at least we get another terminator movie.  The only problem is this movie comes with a whole new raft of problems.  For instance, Kyle Resse goes back in time to save Sara Conner but quickly learns she’s had her own terminator since age nine.  An instantly Kyle is like, “Wow you’re a baller.”

jai_courtney_I_don't_even

Sara goes, “Hey we’re in an alternate 1984 which happens to be the same plot as Back to the Future 2.  I don’t have time to explain, just go rent the movie.”

But now that they’re in a new timeline, Sara and Kyle need to travel to 2017 to stop judgement day.  I guess the writers thought keeping judgement day at 1997 would mean we’re actually all dead.

But the crazy part is when they get to 2017, Sara and Reese discover Skynet has made John Connor into the ultimate terminator. John’s job is to make sure Skynet goes live and also to cover up any random plot holes.

In the end Sara, Resse and Arnold stop John Connor and Skynet.  My only problem with this is Skynet is a connected operating system.  And all it takes to get it up and running again is to get a programmer and give him a steady supply of Funyuns and Diet Coke.

will_work_for_dew_doritos

The Straight Dope:  The only way to see this movie is to ignore what they say about time and just sit back and enjoy the things that go boom.

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