ADD Review: Samara is back with the same tired old video from 2002. People watch it and then somehow they get a phone call death from a landline. Which makes you go, “I guess the whole movie doesn’t work if everyone just screens her call or ignores her text.”
Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:
Set up: Holt (Alex Roe) watches a video on his computer and contracts the virus called little moldy girl from the well is going to kill you in seven days. Once this happens, he becomes MIA and his long distance girlfriend Julia (Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) gets freaked the eff out. So she goes to his college and then to his class with teacher and resident creeper Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Hey Professor Leonard, I’m looking for my boy toy named Holt.
Can’t say I’ve seen him, but that does remind me I need to rush off to my secret lab where I expose students to Samara’s video of death.
Julia stealthily follows Leonard and learns Holt watched Samara’s video with a bitch named Skye (Aimee Teegarden). That’s when Julia gets the claws out and goes to Skye’s apartment to open up a can of whoop ass like it’s 2002.
Chick, I know what you’re thinking but let’s discuss after I show you a super awesome video about a dead girl climbing out of a well.
While Skye loads up the video, Julia picks up Skye’s phone and then just starts texting with Holt.
HOLT (via text)
Babe, don’t look at the video. Because if you do, then you’ll totally get a call and die in seven days.
JULIA (via text)
Holt that is a new level of stupid even for you.
HOLT (via text)
Whatever babe, just tell her you have to go to the bathroom to drop a bomb.
But once Julia goes to the bathroom Skye gets a visit from the Samara the wet blanket. Oh yeah, Samara comes out from an unplugged TV and then turns Skye into a human California raisin with a permanent o-face.
Holt walks in.
Holt I stand corrected, that bitch is real and she makes your skin really gross.
Babe, the bad part is that’s going to be me unless I can find another sucker to watch that video. So I’m going to take a nap and please don’t accidentally watch the pre-loaded video labeled Julia please watch this.
But of course Julia watches the video. And then Holt brings her to Professor Leonard.
Hey professor dude, there’s a problem. Her file won’t copy.
Well maybe it’s because her video has a whole bunch of extra non-scary scenes.
Professor, I think these are scenes of Samara’s mother. And all we need to do is follow the clues in the video to dig up Samara’s grave and then set her free by burning her bones in a giant bonfire.
Sounds reasonable to me even though to make that conclusion you had to jump about 50 sharks.
Then Holt and Julia break into Samara’s creepy unmarked grave get caught by uber weirdo blind priest Vincent D’Onofrio.
Nice job finding her grave. But she’s not buried there, she’s buried out in a field.
Thanks, that’s information that will help us burn fifteen more minutes of screen time.
So Holt and Julia go on the wild goose chase. And when they don’t find anything, Holt falls asleep again. Then Julia decides to search for Samara’s mother on her own in the middle of the freaking night. And like and idiot Julia goes back to the blind priest.
I totally figured it out, Samara’s mother was captured by somebody very close to the church.
Seriously, even I can figure out this one and I’m totally blind. Let me spell it out. I did it. I am Samara’s father. Now let’s get on with the killing.
But Samara has other plans. She kills D’Onofrio so that Julia can survive. Then Samara takes over Julia’s body and sends a group email spam of her very unscary video.
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