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Passengers Lets Us Know If You’re A Dude Stranded Alone In Space Your Best Option Is To “Accidentally” Wake Up The Hot A-List Actress

ADD review:  In Passengers a giant spaceship hits a huge rock which then opens the sleeping pod of Gaurdian of the Galaxy Chris Pratt.  Unfortunately he is woken up years before he’s supposed arrive at his destination.  That’s when he’s like, “Looks like it’s time to break open Jennifer Lawrence’s pod.  Then, all I need to do is not tell her I woke her up for the next 90 years.”

written on the left the words doesn't blow. There is a yellow smiley face with a engaged look on his face. Next to the smiley face are the words audience laughs: and next to that is a bar graph with the scale of meh, LOLHOTT (laugh out loud half of the time), and bust a gut. The graph has a little yellow coloring at the meh level

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

Passengers opens with a spaceship transporting people in stasis to a new planet just so they can pollute it.  Suddenly the ship hits a space rock bigger than Donald Trump’s ego.  Computer errors happen and then Chris Pratt is woken up 90 years too soon…


Hey computer why are you such a dick.  I’ve got ninety years to go which means my new home is going to be a coffin.


Sir, you can send a message to fix me but just realize the reply won’t come back for another 55 years.  So you can just suck it.


Well in that case, I’m going to live like a king and have a patron party for one.

Months later:


I may be a robot but I’m pretty sure nobody wants to find your dead carcass in my bar.


Come on dude, I’ve done everything on this ship and I’m really freakin’ board. The only other cool thing I could do is wake up that super hot chick named Jennifer Lawrence.


Do whatever you like.  My only request is to resolve this whole hippy pantsless issue.

More months later:


Ok bartender, if a hot girl walks into the bar, please don’t tell her I’m the creepy dude who opened her pod.

Later on Pratt and Lawrence finally meet.


No pressure or anything, but I’ve been alone for the past year so just tell me when it’s time to get down to business.


I just woke up. And Ewww.


I get your hint.  Let’s go get drunk at a nice bar that plays a whole lot of Barry White.

More moths later Pratt and Lawrence finally fall in love.  But this all gets ruined when the bartender lets Lawrence know Pratt is the bastard who stalked her sleeping pod.


Hey God’s gifts to no one, just realize hell hath no fury like a woman who wakes you up by punching you in the face.


Well that secret lasted all of one month.

jennifer lawrence and chris pratt from passengers. Jennifer lawrence is sitting at a table looking distant. She has a tray of food in front of her. Chris pratt is walking up cautiously. He is looking sideways at jennifer lawrence. They are in a futuristic cafeteria on a spaceship

Then the computer malfunctions and wakes up crew member Laurence Fishburne.


So we’ve established that Pratt is an A-hole.  But let’s put this aside because this ship is going to blow and we need to fix it with absolutely no technical training at all.


Sounds great.  I’ll do a space walk and then manually hold open a door to vent the hot plasma.  And I’ll protect myself with this random hunk of metal.

In the end Pratt saves the ship.  Then Lawrence saves Pratt.  Then they just decide to live out the rest of their lives eating everyone else’s food.

Gas guage dark grey with light grey background. The needle is red pointing to the number 1/2. Written next the gas gauge is how full the theater was on opening day. Comic Popcorn Theater Gas Gauge

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