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Rogue One Is A Star Wars Story About Taking The Plans For A Deadly Spaceball And Then Just Dying

ADD Movie Review:  We finally get an action packed prequel that explains why the Death Star blows up like it was built by a five year old.  But I’m warning you don’t get too attached to anyone in this movie because, chances are they’ll just end up dead as a door nail.

written on the left the words doesn't blow. There is a yellow smiley face with a engaged look on his face. Next to the smiley face are the words audience laughs: and next to that is a bar graph with the scale of meh, LOLHOTT (laugh out loud half of the time), and bust a gut. The graph has a little yellow coloring at the meh level

Review For People Who Have An Attention Span Greater Than A Gnat:  In Rogue one Jyn (Feliciy Jones) and Cassian (Diego Luna) go to the Jedi Holy city and find out the Empire is fiending on Khyber crystal like some ghetto crack head.  And the reason the Empire is jonesing on this crystal is to fuel up the Death Star so that they can make everyone really dead.

Ben Mendelsohn from rogue one: a star wars story. Ben is standing on the death star in a white shirt with red and blue color bars for rank. He has a cape. He is holding a gun. There is a black background with a light up screen in the back with a round object. Written meme: best part of my job on the Death Star is I get to shoot a big gun and look like a bastard doing it

While Jyn and Cassian are in the holy city, they meet Chirrut Imwe (Donnie Yen) and his partner Baze Malbus (Jiang Wen) during a nice Sunday afternoon rebel uprising.  Jyn is good at fighting, Baze is good at shooting and Chirrut is good at kicking ass while being totally blind.

Once the fight is over Jyn, Cassian, Chirrut and Baze are taken to Saw Gerrera (Forest Whitaker) who plays an out of breath broke down Mad Max extra.  And this is when Jyn learns her father just happens to be a bastard who help build the Death Star.  But her father tells her, “Before you get too mad, I also put in a secret reactor to make the giant spaceball go boom.”  

So now all our heroes need to do is convince the rebels the reactor exists, steal the plans for the Death Star, and then blow it up with some untested yokel farm boy.

But unfortunately once Jyn gets this information, the Death Star lights up the Jedi holy city like frickin’ roman candle.  Luckily all of our hero’s escape mainly because they have a fast ship and it’s only half way into the movie.  

Once our heroes get to the rebel base, they explain now all they need to do is steal the plans for the Death Star on a heavily guarded tropical planet.  And the rebel council is like, “Jedi please, that’s frickin’ suicide.”

So now our heroes are forced to get some ragtag rebels and go straight after the Death Star plans on their own.  They think it’s a good idea to roll on over to the Imperial base with twenty rebels against a whole planet of armed dudes dressed in white.  

Rogue One: A starwars story with two stormtroopers dressed in white carrying guns walking in the ocean. Written meme: Know What sucks about this tropical planet? My Stormtrooper suit doesn't come equipped with a pair of shorts

Amazingly, Jyn and Cassian get the plans.  That’s when the rebel forces decide to help and start shooting anything that moves.  In the coolest scene of the movie the rebels ram a star destroyer through the planet’s shield.  This allows Jyn to transmit the plans before the Death Star turns the Imperial base into the worst tropical vacation ever.

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