The Magnificent Seven opens with Peter Sarsgaard and his henchmen burning down a church, killing some townsfolk and then offering to buy their land for the princely sum of twenty dollars. Which made me say, “The only way you can make Sarsgaard more evil is by giving him a wicked laugh and a curly mustache.”
Meanwhile a couple of towns over Denzel Washington goes into a bar that looks like it is straight out of a Hollywood set. Denzel then strikes up a conversation with the bartender and then fills the the guy full of lead. Then Denzel says, “Relax wild west patrons I’m a warrant officer and I have a piece of paper that says I can kill more people than usual.”
Fortunately Haley Bennett witnesses the gunfight and convinces Denzel to save Rose Creek from Sarsgaard the Terrible. And Denzel’s next move is to recruit Chris Pratt by telling him, “If you come on a job with me that has a 99 percent chance of death, I’ll buy you a horse.” Which made say, “That’s like the worst sales pitch ever.”
Anyway, from here Denzel and Pratt start collecting five other fools who don’t like to live. And these guys are real pieces of work. They get Manuel Garcia Rulfo who is a Machete Lite, Ethan Hawke who is a gunfighter with PTSD, Lee Byung-hun who is a martial arts cowboy, Vincent D’Onofrio who is a stinky bear of a man and Martin Sensmeier who is a don’t eff with me Comanche warrior. And for some reason all these guys go, “Sure, we’ll help as long as their is a good chance we’re all going to die.”
Finally once the seven reach Rose Creek, they instantly turn Sarsgaard’s security force into an undertaker’s wildest dream. There’s so many people dead, Denzel and the boys start bragging about their body counts. But their joy is short lived when they realize now they get deal with Sarsgaard and his dirty cowboy army.
So the seven booby trap the town with explosives and townsfolk who can’t shoot the side of a barn. The cool thing is when Sarsgaard’s army attacks they get very decimated. Then Sarsgaard is like, “Enough playing around, say hello to my little friend the gatling gun.” And that’s when the body count goes up so quick, that I thought they were going to tally up how many people died on the screen.
But fortunately the gatling gun is taken out by our idiotic hero Chris Pratt. He literally walks up to it and blows it up with a stick of Jimmy Walker dyn-o-mite.
Once the gun is taken out, Sargaard goes mano y mano with Denzel and then gets taken out with a satisfying shotgun to the head.
ADD review: The fight scenes are good as long as you can get through the whole “we need to have motivation for what we are doing” parts.
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