In Blair Witch a group of friends solicit the help of a pair of morons to take them to the witchy woods of death. And just like the original movie, the new version is shot in shaky found footage so prepare to get scared and vomit.
As the group walks through the forest, we get jump scares from people who pop up in front of the camera like freaking jack in the box. Apparently it’s cool to just pop up and go, “I got some wood. And I also got some toilet paper because you look like you just shatnered your pants.”
Anyway, when the group finally sets up camp, the lead moron Wes Robinson says, “By the way, when you stay the night in the forest, the witch puts a spell on you and you end up really dead.” Which made me think, “That’s important information to know before they went into the woods with your dumb ass.”
As expected, during the night branches break and there are a whole bunch of questionable rude grunting noises. Then everyone wakes up at the crack of 2 pm to find Blair Witch figurines hung up like hillbilly ornaments. Immediately everyone gets freaked out and is like, “We need to get out of here, this is the same exact trick they used in the original film.”
But not five minutes later we find out Robinson and his girlfriend made the stick figures to prove that the Blair witch is real and horrible at home made gifts. That’s when the rest of the group is like, “We’re going home and taking the GPS with us. Have fun not dying Martha Stewart of the woods.”
After this everyone hikes in the woods for a whole day and strangely ends up at the same exact campsite. Later on, Robinson and his girlfriend come back to the campsite claiming they have been hiking for five days and smell like it too. Then if that is not weird enough everyone starts getting chased by a computer generated witchy gust of wind.
This all leads to a couple of people getting killed off in the woods and the others getting chased into a ghetto fabulous house. This house may look like a shack on the outside but on the inside it has more rooms than the Disneyland haunted mansion. There are multiple hallways that lead to multiple doors that lead to just one dirt nap.
But the real twist in the end is we learn the Blair witch is an amateur impersonator. She gets people to turn around and look at her by mimicking voices and making sure she chooses really dumb victims.
ADD review: This movie is full of jump scares, shaky found footage and everything that makes a really good movie in 1999.
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