In Money Monster we learn Wall Street’s all about crime for like the millionth time. Yeah you’re never going to see “Wall Street: A Love Story.”
The movie starts out with George Clooney on his show Money Monster trying his best to teach everyone to be a giant Wall Street a-hole. But almost immediately he gets interrupted by Jack O’Connell who’s delivering a personalized vest with a bomb. He tells Clooney, “When I lost money on IBIS stock I realized your advice sucks. IBIS didn’t go up so now you’re going to blow up.” They Clooney’s producer Julia Roberts whispers into his earpiece, “Forget the show, you need to deal with that whole mess of crazy.”
After several tense moments Clooney finds out O’Connell lost $60,000 because he has the investing skills of Bozo The Clown. So Clooney says he’ll give O’Connell the $60,000 but then O’Connell is like, “I’m not stupid, now I need 800 million.” So Clooney is goes, “You’re not the only shareholder who lost money, but you are the only one with a gun.”
To fix the situation Clooney tells his audience to buy IBIS stock so the price will go up and the algorithms will start to buy. And it looks like it is working until the stock drops like a rock. Then Clooney goes, “Ok lets find that bastard CEO.”
But at this moment Clooney learns the police are prepared to detonate his bomb vest by shooting him on live TV. Then Clooney tells O’Connell it’s time to take a little walk to see that slime of a CEO. But on their way O’Connell goes, “I hate to tell you this, but your vest has the explosive power of play-doh.” And then Clooney is like, “At this point I don’t care because we’re still going to that CEO you freaking moron.”
In the final interview everyone learns the CEO Dominic West has been traveling to South Africa to move a stock up and down by inciting worker strikes. And that’s when O’Connell takes Clooney’s vest off and goes, “Ok CEO now it’s your turn to wear the vest that goes boom.” But once the CEO confesses to his crime O’Connell drops the detonator and gets shot dead. Fortunately Clooney survives and is able to recover in the hospital with Julia Roberts and his big puppy dog eyes.
The Straight Dope: This movie is an intense ride from the beginning. So be prepared to walk out of the theater like you just worked a full day.
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