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Keanu Proves Gang Members Are Scary But Cat People Are Just Straight Up Crazy

When Key and Peele thought up Keanu they must have been like, “For our first movie let’s mash up ganstas and cats.”  Which is a weird mix because in the movie theater you usually don’t see people flying gang colors sitting next to people wearing a cat shirt of desperation.

The movie starts out with Keanu the kitten dodging bullets in a drug lab like a big furry boss.  He gets out of the lab and then runs all the way to Peele’s doorstep and straight into his heart.  


Now everything is going great until Keanu gets stolen.  So Key and Peele decide to go after him like Liam Neeson in Taken 1,2,3.  And the first place they go is right next door to Peele’s drug dealer played by Will Forte and his co-star of white boy corn rows.  And Forte is like, “Aww dude, you’re looking for Cheddar (Method Man) and his gang bangers who thought your place was mine and then treated your apartment like a tossed salad.  You can find him and Keanu in his stronghold located in a strip club called HPV.”

Luckily when Key and Peele meet Method Man they see Keanu.  And instantly Key is like, “Dude we just happen to be in the market for a gangster pet.”  Method Man is caught off guard first but then is like, “Alright, you look like those Allentown boys who shot up that drug lab.  If you do a job for me, I’ll give you the kitten and then we’ll truly find out if you’re not a pair of dweebs.”


So now they go on a drug run.  Peele gets to sell drugs to Anna Farris while Key tries to act all hard with the homies in his minivan.  Which becomes really difficult when Key’s playlist gets to George Michael.  And when one of the gang members says, “Is he black?”  Key is like, “Well, he is a little light skinned.”

Fortunately the deal is a success, which means one of the gang members makes Anna Farris and her friends really dead.  After the job Peele is shaken up and wants to go, but Key is like, “Let’s stay.  I’m kind of into the whole gangster talk and gangster walk.”  But this is when Key gets peer pressured into trying crack which makes him hallucinate like he’s shaking his booty with George Michael’s as he sings Faith.

Eventually Method Man figures out Key and Peele are not the gangsters he’s looking for.  But Method Man doesn’t care and just takes the guys to Luis Guzman to turn them in as the people who killed his drug lord cousin.  Instantly there is a big gun battle and a car chase which ends up with Key and Peele finally getting Keanu and the consolation prize of six months in jail.

The Straight Dope:  Key is the best part of the movie with lines like “wordness to the turdness.”  And if you are not satisfied with that, just enjoy the cutest kitten ever.


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