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The Huntsman: Winter’s War Is Less Of A War And More Of A Squabble Over A Bastard Mirror

The Huntsman: Winter’s War is about how Chris Hemsworth and his lady take on evil queens with only an axe.  You know this is a fairy tale because when a dude fights magic with an axe, he usually just straight up dies.


In the Huntsman, Hemsworth and Jessica Chastain are trained to kill for Emily Blunt who has the power to turn things into ice and be a real witch.  She started doing this parlor trick when she lost her baby and was like, “Everything is becoming ice because I’m going to be pissed for the next forty years.”

So Blunt’s first rule in her kingdom is to outlaw love.  But Hemsworth and Chastain take one look at each other and are like, “Love sounds better than that chick who is 50 shades of crazy.”  But when the lovebirds try to escape Blunt makes Hemsworth think Chastaine is dead.  Then she’s like, “Hey muscles get out of here with your stripper body covered in leather and sweat.”

Seven years later Hemsworth gets pulled back into fighting the ice queen when he learns she is after that tacky mirror mirror on the wall.  So he sets off to find the mirror with two dwarves.  In no time the boys get into trouble and they are saved by Chastain.  Hemsworth is shocked and is like, “Nice fighting for a dead girl.”  She answers back quickly by knocking him the eff out.  When he wakes up he tries to explain how Blunt tricked them but she’s like, “Am I going to believe the woman or the playboy in pleather?”

But they concentrate on the mission at hand and set off to get the mirror.  And in the process they pick up two female dwarves who provide some of the best comedy of the movie when we get to see a medieval little people you’re so ugly battle.

Eventually the crew get it together and steal the mirror from what’s supposed to be a scary goblin sanctuary.  The problem is these goblins are dark black with gold leaf on their shoulders which makes them look more like back up dancers for Cirque De Soleil.

Once the crew gets the mirror, the ice queen takes it and commands Chastain to shoot Hemsworth in the chest.  This fools almost everyone under the age of five.  Immediately after the queen is gone Hemsworth pops back up and says, “She hit me in my medallion.  She really does love me.”


In the end battle, Charlize Theron comes out of the mirror.  That’s when there is a queen on queen on huntsman cage match.  As Blunt learns of her sisters treachery she freezes the mirror which allows Hemsworth to destroy it with his axe.  Cementing his status in Hollywood as the number one actor who can play any role as long as it has a hand weapon.

The Straight Dope:  This movie has evil queens, axe fights and magically disappearing Scottish accents.  This movie is perfect if you like your Lord Of The Rings really watered down.


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