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For Hardcore Henry Get Some Popcorn Because You’re Going To Vomit In POV

Hardcore Henry is shot in first person point of view by a film crew with some serious ADD.  It’s like the director got the crew together and said, “Our vision for this film is to make everybody spew chunks.”


The movie starts out with us the audience waking up as Henry who is basically Robocop Version Two Point Adderall.  Our hot wife Haley Bennett tells us, “Before I turn your voice box on, I just want to make sure all you can say is yes dear, my beautiful queen.”

But before Henry gets a voice, Haley and Henry get attacked by Danila Kozlovsky who’s the bad guy of the movie who looks like a low rent Kurt Cobain.  But he is no match for Haley and Henry who take an escape pod that flies through the air down to the city below.  Making you go, “Was that lab just frickin’ floating up in the sky?  WTF?” 

But immediately when they get to the ground Haley gets captured and we the audience learn we must be in Moscow because the bad guys speak Russian before they become dead.  But Henry is not good at killing yet, so Sharlto Copley shows up and says, “Let’s get out of here and steal a power source for you from a really upstanding guy named Slick Dimitri.”  But not five seconds later Sharlto gets shot and loses half of his head.  So of coarse, Henry assesses the situation and then just jumps right back into first person movie massacre.

Once Henry finds Slick Dimitri they have a really cool point of view chase over the top of a bridge that ultimately ends up with Henry ripping the power source right out of Dimitri’s chest.  Then a nerd version of Sharlto shows up and tells Henry,  “The best guy to put in that battery is a version of myself who lives in a brothel and wears a banana hammock.”


So Henry gets the power and then he goes to Sharlto’s secret lab.  Henry learns Sharlto is a paraplegic who creates VR clones to live out his fantasies and annoy everyone else.  Sharlto also tells him they’re going to take out Danila and his army of cyborgs so get ready for the body count to go way up.

Then there is non-stop point of view fighting with Sharlto, Henry, Danila and a whole bunch of random extras.  Finally in the end Henry learns Haley is not his wife.  And he is just an experiment to create a cyborg super soldier.  Upon hearing this Henry takes his eyeball out, wraps the nerve around Danila’s head and then severs it completely off.  Then Henry chases Haley into a helicopter and makes sure when she’s in the doorway hanging on for dear life that he just shuts the door right on her fingers.  Making this the worst love story ever.

The Straight Dope:  Sharlto is awesome in this movie.  The problem is in order to see his scenes you’ve got to suffer through minutes of a mute guy trying his hardest to make you hurl.


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