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Batman v Superman Is So Dark It’s Like It Was Written By An Emo Internet Troll

Batman v Superman is a tale of two dudes who disagree on everything even their choice in superhero spanx.  Yeah, Superman is more of a summer and Batman likes the depressed emo black.

In this movie Ben Affleck plays Batman who feels Superman has way too much power and not enough respect for a grown man who likes to dress up like a bat.


Affleck figures the only way to kill this superhuman jerk is to get some bomb ass kryptonite.  And he sees his chance to get the kryptonite when Jesse Eisenberg (Lex Luthor) tries to transport it in a truck.  To get to this truck Affleck takes out several henchmen and then just drives his batmobile straight through the side of a building like butter.  But then that killjoy Superturd shows up and turns his little batcar into a permanent part of the street.  Then Superman says,  “Hey mental patient, when you see that batsignal that’s your cue to sit the eff down.”

To fuel Batman’s hatred of Superman, Eisenberg and Senator Holly Hunter invite Superman to stand trial for destroying way too much stuff.  But for some reason Superman thinks it’s cool to show up in court in his blue and red costume.  Yeah, nothing says professional like coming to court in a cape.  But as soon as Superman gets to court, Eisenberg decides to blow the whole place up and make everyone really dead.

Meanwhile Affleck finally steals the kryptonite.  Then he creates kryptonite weapons and bulks up by doing pulls ups with a dirty tire and a janky chain.  Making you think, “Dude you’re worth a billion dollars, why do you need to work out like Rocky Balboa?”

It’s all worth it when Affleck puts on his kick ass batsuit, turns on the bat signal and goes, “Let’s see who’s the little B now.”  But the only reason Superman goes to fight Affleck is because Eisenberg kidnaps Superman’s mother and tells him he needs to fight Affleck like it’s the Thunderdome.


At first Superman tries to reason with Affleck.  But when Affleck refuses to listen, Superman starts tossing him around like a little girl.  But that’s when Affleck shoots Superman with kryptonite gas and gives him a bathroom sink to the dome.  Before Affleck stabs Superman with a kryptonite spear, Superman says, “He’s going to kill Martha.”  That’s when Affleck totally freaks out and goes, “Dude I didn’t know our mothers had the same name.  Maybe you’re not a bad guy after all.”

So now Batman goes to save Superman’s mother and Superman goes to make Eisenberg’s day really suck.  But that’s when Eisenberg releases a monster who looks a lot like a big rip off of the hulk.  But the monster only dies when Superman stabs him in the heart with the kryptonite spear.  That’s when we are lead to believe Superman is dead.  But you only believe this if you’re under the age of ten.

The Straight Dope:  If you can make it past the moody, broody parts in the beginning then you are treated to some nice uplifting scenes of crazy fights and over the top explosions.


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