In Triple 9 a bunch of cops get in bed with the Russian mafia which is like waking up next to a shirtless Putin. Yeah, no matter how you look at that situation it’s about ten times worse than the walk of shame. And the leader of the mafia Kate Winslet doesn’t make it any easier when she goes, “You do job or you end up like human caviar.”
Now the cops get in this mess when Chiwetel Ejiofor is like, “I need my son back from the Russian mafia. You cops need money. So why don’t we be dirty together?” And Ejiofor has to do this job because Winslet is using his son as collateral and an excuse to be a giant witch.
So the cops figure to have enough time to do the Russian job they need to shoot a cop across town to create a police code called a triple 9. Which is just a level above a triple 8 which means the “hot now” sign is on at Krispy Kreme.
Casey Affleck is the unfortunate target of the triple 9. And Anthony Mackie’s job is to be a dirty cop who gives Affleck an unneeded dose of led. But the wrench in the plan is Woody Harrelson who is trying to figure out why this group of dirty cops thinks it’s fun to play with commie bastards.
But when the triple 9 finally goes down Mackie develops a conscious. And that’s when he takes Afflecks bullet and ends up with a new skylight to the dome.
While this is happening Ejiofor and Clifton Collins Jr. complete the Russian job. Then everyone starts getting really dead. Ejiofor blows up Winslet in her car. Then Collins Jr. takes out Ejiofor. And finally Collins Jr. gets bum rushed by Woody. Which leaves Affleck going, “Man, writing this police report is really going to suck.”
The Straight Dope: If you get confused by all the characters and motive in the movie just remember one thing, almost everyone dies. So don’t care too much.
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