The Witch is about a family from the 1600’s who is exiled to a farm near a giant forest of death. And almost immediately when the family gets to the farm things get whacky. The first thing that happens is the eldest girl Anya Taylor-Joy loses the baby of the family proving she really sucks at her job. But the weird part is, there’s no search party, just the father of the family Ralph Ineson saying, “Oh well, I guess that baby’s lost to the woods.” Yeah, that’s it you crazy pilgrim.
Then the twins of the family start talking to a goat named Black Phillip. Which even in the 1600’s is pretty racist for a goat. But to scare the kids from talking to the evil goat, Anya Taylor-Joy tells them she’s a witch and witched away the baby with her witchy woman ways. Not a good idea when talk like that makes you the entertainment at the next witch barbeque.
While all this drama is going on, the family’s tween boy Caleb goes to the woods to get some animal pelts to sell. But the problem is every time he goes into the woods all he sees is this really annoying bunny of death. That’s right. The movie actually tries to make a bunny evil by giving it more menacing close ups than a Kim Kardashian selfie.
But the weirdness picks up again when the tween Caleb runs into a witch’s house and is seduced PG-13 style. This means he gets a sloppy kiss, the screen goes black and then Ana Taylor-Joy finds him in the rain naked as a jaybird.
Shortly after Caleb is found he dies. Then Anya Taylor-Joy and the twins get accused of being witches. So the obvious solution for this witch problem is for Ineson to nail all of them shut in the pen with Black Phillip. Nice idea until Black Phillip gives Ineson a gut check with both horns. Then the mother of the family accuses Anya Taylor-Joy of being the witch who caused all this drama. So Ana Taylor is like, “You want to play that way, then here’s a knife to the face. Come to think of it maybe I’m a witch after all.”
The Straight Dope: This movie’s about as scary as a trip to Colonial Williamsburg on Halloween. You pay your money, get to the end of the movie and go, “Wow, that was effin weird.”
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