50 Shades Of Black starts out with Kali Hawk interviewing Marlon Wayans. As she interviews Marlon you realize this movie has the sexual tension of a night with Bozo the clown. Her questions are awkward and he exudes the creepiness of Gollum.
But surprisingly Kali falls for Marlon. And we know this because when she’s at her job at the hardware store she pulls out a pencil and proceeds to orally molest it. After 5 minutes of this you’re like, “Okay, that’s what I get for buying a ticket to 50 Shades Of Black.”
As the movie goes on the laughs and grossness continues. For example, Kali gets a little drunk one night and wakes up the next morning with Marlon staring right at her. When she asks Marlon if they had sex he’s like, “No, I’m a gentleman. And to prove it, here are my giant blue balls.”
So now that Kali is in his house, Marlon feels obliged to show her his sex torture room. But before she gets to experience the room it’s Marlon’s job to make her not a virgin. In the funniest scene in the movie, he takes off her pants and realizes to her showering and shaving is just a suggestion. That’s when as an audience we get to experience her underwear getting thrown at the wall and slowly sliding down. Gross.
The next best scene is when Kali rolls her eyes at Marlon. He doesn’t like this, so he gives her a spanking. But when his hand doesn’t hurt her, he pulls out a shovel, a sorority paddle, and a chair. And that’s when Kali says, “Maybe I should have told you about those butt implants.”
The Straight Dope: Marlon Wayans must have been like, “The only way we can spoof 50 Shades Of Grey is if it looks like it was rewritten by a 14 year old boy. You know, more jokes about poop, balls and wang.”
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