Posted on Leave a comment

The 5th Wave Is The Final Wave Before The Wayans Bros Make “Not Another Teen Girl Saves The Planet”

In The 5th Wave aliens attack the earth and our only hope for survival is a group of confused tweens.  One moment they’re all normal tweens, and the next moment they have alien ships parked illegally over their house.  Then Chloe Grace Moretz is forced to tell us how it all went down in dramatic voice over.  She’s like, “Aliens took out the power, sent the earthquakes, sent a virus, morphed into human form to kill us, and made us create the documentary called the 5th wave.”

But as society breaks down Chloe and her family join other survivors in a broke down summer camp.


Then the army arrives and colonel Liev Schreiber says, “We’re here, and we’re going to save you from living ghetto fabulous.”  So the army loads the kids onto busses to go to the air force base.  But Chloe gets left behind because she goes back for her brothers teddy bear.  That’s when she gets to witness all the adults lose an argument to an M16.  Yeah, they basically become human Swiss cheese.  That’s when Chloe is like, “I’m outta here because I like breathing.”

So she’s able to get away but eventually she gets shot in the leg.  Fortunately Chloe is nursed to health by Alex Roe who she learns is a part time alien and a full time hottie.


She knows this because he loves to get all confused about his alien self while bathing in a lake.  At first Chloe thinks he’s hot but then she goes, “Hey conflicted alien guy, I’m getting my brother on my own because you’re acting like such a girl.”

Once Chloe makes it to the air force base she runs into her old crush Nick Robinson.  But that’s when Alex just shows up, kills two guys, and says, “I want to be human.  Love is not a trick, it’s real.”  That’s when Chloe falls into Alex’s arms and Nick loses his lunch.

Fortunately there is no time for sappiness because Nick tells them the army is controlled by the aliens who are training kids to be the 5th wave to take out the rest of humanity.  And Nick knows this because he can see the aliens with a special helmet provided by the alien leader.  The only problems he sees are the alien appears on regular humans and it tends to look like some cheesy graphic from the nineties.  Yeah dude, I think you have bigger problems than that.

The Straight Dope: Go see this movie if you believe aliens are smart enough to take out the human race, but dumb enough to be defeated by people who haven’t finished high school.

More Effin Funny Reviews at JoeJCom.

Leave a Reply