When you watch the Revenant you realize life in the 1800’s blows. That’s right. The movie starts out with Leo DiCaprio and his fur trapper buddies making tons of animals dead. Then his crew gets attacked by a Cree Tribe who is like, “We want your fur booty.” After this happens, Leo goes to the forest and a bear treats him like a human chew toy. And to make things worse, the whole fight looks like Leo is raped like the prison bitch. He’s on the ground. The bear’s on top. And there’s a whole bunch of unnecessary moaning.
Once the fight stops Leo has the movements of a bear doormat. And the problem is his buddies can’t carry him to town because they’re weak and girly. So Tom Hardy, Will Poulter and Leo’s son Forrest Goodluck decide to stay until Leo is dead. Since Hardy is the only one getting paid to do this he starts digging a shallow grave pretty much before the other guys leave. And not a day later Hardy is like, “Dude just die already!”
So Hardy gets anxious and kills Forrest in front of Leo. Then he tells Poulter they need to leave before the Cree come. So Leo’s only option is to raise from the grave like an 1800’s version of the terminator. Sure he has broken bones and a messed up back, but that doesn’t stop him from moving like a gimp.
On sheer willpower alone, Leo drags himself across the forest and becomes a moving petri dish.
In the process of getting back to town he befriends a Pawnee, avoids the Cree twice and helps rescue an Indian chiefs daughter. Which makes you think, “That’s impressive considering I can’t even take care of a paper cut.”
Eventually Leo tracks Hardy down. In the final fight Hardy gets shot. They both get stabbed. And once Hardy is dead you’re like, “Gross. Sure glad I finished my popcorn an hour ago.”
The Straight Dope: The filming puts you right in the middle of the fights and action scenes. And it really makes you appreciate the simple things like the ability to adjust your nest thermometer from your phone.
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