Latest Funny Review

In The Heart Of The Sea Is About A Tiny Ship Against A Huge Effin Whale

In The Heart Of The Sea explains the origin of Melville’s Moby Dick.  Apparently, back in the day Melville rolled up to the only survivors house and said, “Give me your story and I’ll give you the princely sum of one hundred dollars.”  And the survivor was like,  “Ok moneybags as long as you name that whale dick.  Because, I kinda hate that bastard.”

The story starts out with Chris Hemsworth being passed over for captain of the ship by daddy’s boy Benjamin Walker.  Which is idiotic because Walker has the nautical skills of a child.  And Hemsworth has the nautical skills of Thor.  Which makes the more obvious choice the god with the giant hammer.

thor_chris_hemsworth

But instantly the crew learns Captain Walker is a weak seaman.  Because his first decision is to send the ship directly into a storm.  And Hemsworth is like, “Wow, you have a whole ocean and you choose the part that leads to death.”

Fortunately Hemsworth is able to fix things. Then they get to the business of killing virtual whales so they can concentrate on pissing off real people from greenpeace.  The killing is so gross it makes you think, “Actually, I can’t wait to see that vindictive whale give them a smackdown.”

But when the whale finally shows up it’s one hundred times the size of Godzilla.  And Hemsworth goes, “Ok, now that’s just overkill!”  But the whale doesn’t care and is like, “Hope you like living in a row boat because I’m taking you the eff out.”

benjamin_walker_heart_of_the_sea

So the whale decimates the ship and the guys are left to drift in rowboats.  As the days pass they run out of food and water.  Which makes you wonder it’s kind of strange these whale killers can’t even catch a tiny fish.  So they are forced to start eating each other.  Which makes it really awkward once they get saved because now the survivors know not everything tastes like chicken.

The Straight Dope: An exciting movie that ultimately turns into a whole bunch of starving men forced to dine on salty seamen.

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About joejcom (103 Articles)
Every movie deserves an Funny Review. Check out how I spin the funny on a different movie each week.

3 Comments on In The Heart Of The Sea Is About A Tiny Ship Against A Huge Effin Whale

  1. The frozen version of this tale is “Alive,” minus the captain and the Hemsworth and the cetaceous Kraken. Just plenty of arm-chewin’, stomach-turnin’, massively historically inaccurate fun!

    For true terror, watch the actual documentary:

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