Creed is the latest Rocky movie to let us know we’re never getting rid of Stallone. Yep, it looks like he’s gonna be making movies from the grave. Stallone will be like, “Yo Adrian, I just made Rocky Resurrected. And it’s all thanks to the nice folks from Umbrella Corp.”
In the new movie Apollo Creed’s illegitimate son Adonis loves boxing. So one day he says to himself, “Time to get serious. I need to find Rocky so I can learn how to beat some ass in the city of brotherly love.”
Once Adonis meets Rocky he’s like, “I’m gonna stalk you until you teach me how to fight.” Rocky says, “Son, you may want to work on that opener. But just so you know I train old school. So get prepared to chase a chicken.” Adonis is like, “That method blows.” Rocky replies, “Yeah wait until I make you jump rope until you puke.”
But thanks to some old school training Adonis is able to win his first fight. Which of coarse leads to his next fight against the light heavyweight champion of the world. This makes as much sense as Rocky Balboa winning the Nobel peace prize.
But as soon as they start training for the big fight Rocky learns he has cancer. Adonis is like, “Ok Rocky you get five minutes to be depressed. Then we need to start our weird cancer treatment/training montage.”
Unfortunately even after all this training, at the big fight Adonis looks like a giant punching bag.
That is until Adonis gets his groove and the fighters trade punches like they’re in a school yard brawl. And that’s when you realize Rocky fights are exciting and real fights are just a way for two grown men to do way too much hugging.
The Straight Dope: This movie is an underdog story about a man’s desire to overcome all odds. He never gives up, even though in the end his face looks like it just got rolled over by the starting line of the Philadelphia Eagles.
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