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Spectre Has Cars, Guns, Girls And About Two Hours Of Unnecessary Movie

When they asked Daniel Craig to be bond again he probably said, ‘The price to play 007 just went up to double oh $39 million.  Make it easy on yourself, just drop off about five armored trucks full of cash.  I want to go out like a bond villain.”

The movie opens during the Day of the Dead parade with Craig in a skeleton mask looking like a demented Mexican wrestler.  And all the drug cartels are like, “That British dude is loco.”  This reputation is well earned because Craig proceeds to blow up a building and then just throws a bad guy out of a helicopter onto the crowd below.  Way to go double oh not so subtle at all.


But when Craig gets back to London they tell him you’re grounded and by the way we’re going to kill the 007 program.  So Craig says, “Ok, good luck finding me in Rome.  I’ll be the one doing actual work and giving you the bird.”

Now Craig leaves because he is on this secret mission to take out the leader of Spectre played by Christoph Waltz.  Christoph doesn’t have a fluffy white cat or a golden gun but what he does have is the ability to speak very well.  Making him the worse bond villain ever.

As Craig travels to Rome, Austria, and Tunisia he learns that the person dismantling the 007 program is working with Spectre.  This gives Craig one more chance to remind everyone his license includes the word kill.  So Craig meets up with Fiennes, Money Penny and Q to take out Spectre by blowing up half of London.


But the best part of the movie is when Craig has a drag out battle with Dave Bautista.  Once Craig is victorious the damsel in distress Lea Seydoux says, “What do we do now?”  So Craig gives her the look like darling, we’re gonna bone and then I’m going to cash that check for 39 million.

The Straight Dope: This movie starts out with a bang in Mexico City.  They you get to see the rest of the film which is about as exciting as a two hour wait at the DMV.

More Effin Funny Reviews at JoeJCom.

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