Crimson Peak is about a bunch of stupid white people in the 1800’s. These people are not smart because they built their house on red clay so when it snows it look like a bad episode of criminal minds. What, they didn’t have enough money to build on a nice cemetery plot? I’m sure even Jack Nicholson from the Shining would be like, “WTF! Your house takes it to another level of creepy!”
But the story starts out very 1800’s which means pretty boring. And things only get exciting when Mia Wasikowska marries Tom Hiddleston and moves into the mansion built on blood. Mia goes, “Bloody ground, run down house, and ghosts, I think I can work with this.” Yeah what you don’t see is all those things add up to death.
But from the moment Mia moves in, Tom’s sister Jessica Chastain is a royal witch. Jessica is only nice to Mia when she offers Mia a cup of her homebrewed poison tea. And Mia is like, “It tastes bitter, but I trust you.”
Now while Mia is slowly killing herself with tea, she starts seeing ghosts. And these ghosts look like they’re trying to attack her but really they’re just there to help. Which makes you wonder when was the last time someone said, “I really want to help but first I’m gonna have to scare the hell out of you.”
But eventually Mia learns Jessica is a serial killer who helped Tom kill his last three wives. And to top it off, Jessica and Tom are sleeping with each other. Now killing is one thing, but brother sister sex is just gross.
The Straight Dope: This is a horror movie set in the 1800’s so it’s slightly more scary than a trip to the haunted mansion at Disneyland. See it at your own risk.