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The Martian Is The Worst Case Of Being Ditched Ever

The Martian is about what happens when people ignore the buddy system.  That’s right, a big dust storm hits a science crew on Mars and Matt Damon is the unlucky one who gets body slammed by debris.


And Matt’s crew goes, “I liked Damon but now he’s kinda dead.  Let’s hop into our spaceship before we get hit by another wall of dirt.”

But once everyone is gone, Damon wakes up and is like, “I’m stuck on a cold desert with absolutely no food.  Great, this mission officially sucks.”

But Damon has a can do attitude and he starts growing potatoes.  Which is really exciting until he realizes even on Mars vegan food blows.  So, Damon’s next mission is to get the hell off of Mars.  So he starts driving the rover and communicating with NASA.  The only problem is the only thing he has to listen to is a hard drive full of disco.  As if being stranded on Mars wasn’t enough, he has to listen to Donna Summer sing, “I need some hot stuff, baby tonight.”


Of coarse Damon encounters a lot of drama.  His potatoes get exposed to Mars atmosphere and die.  Then the supply ship NASA sends to him blows up.  This is when you realize, those people signing up for Mars One are kind of stupid.

But eventually NASA figures things out.  The crew that is heading back from Mars does a sling shot maneuver around the Earth and then just heads straight back for Mars.  Making this mission, the worst road trip ever.

In the end the best scene is when Damon is being rescued by the spaceship.  He is out in space and punctures his glove using the escaping oxygen to fly like iron man.  And that’s when you go, “Are you effin kidding me?  This is completely ridiculous, but also totally freaking rad.  Where do I sign up?”

The Straight Dope: This movie lets us know Mars is dangerous.  Sure we’ll get there one day, but you may want to hold off going until they’ve got a Motel 6.

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