Ted wants give his wife a baby. But the problem is he’s hung like a Ken doll. So Ted and Mark Wahlberg decide, let’s go steal some sperm from Tom Brady. This is a dicey proposition, even before the whole deflated balls scandal.
So when they fail, Wahlberg offers to donate his sperm. But things go wrong when the boys are at the fertility clinic and Wahlberg gets trapped under a falling rack of semen samples. It’s never good when you’re attacked by a wall o’ gism.
But all of this doesn’t matter because Ted’s wife is infertile and they have to adopt. And that’s when the government is like, “We just can’t just give a kid to a creepy plush toy like you.”
So Ted and Wahlberg hire Amanda Seyfried as their civil rights attorney. After a lengthy court prep montage, they go to court, and promptly lose. Next they try to hire the top civil rights attorney Morgan Freeman. But Freeman says, “To be human you need more qualities than doing drugs and being an ass. Ted, I may have played God, but for you there is no miracle.”
Ted is devastated. He runs off to Comic-Con but then gets kidnapped. Mark Wahlberg is able to save Ted, but Mark gets critically injured. And that’s when TV cameras capture true emotion from Ted. Finally Morgan Freeman is like, “Now this is a case I can make money on. I need to call them up.”
The Straight Dope: Ted 2 makes us question what is it to be human. And also why all of us laugh at jokes about doo-doo and semen – no matter how many times we see it. On second thought, maybe it doesn’t take much to be human after all.