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The New Poltergeist Movie Is Best Enjoyed By Renting the Old Version

The new Poltergeist movie is about a house with a bunch of bastard ghosts.  They turn on lights, move dolls and act like two year olds without a nap.

A family is unfortunate enough to move into this house.   And they happen to be down on their luck.  Apparently in America this means, “We only own five TV’s.”  Let me tell you, if ghosts don’t get you, then the repo man will.


While they’re in this house the family discovers a box of creepy clown dolls.  Any normal person would take one look at that box and be like, “Yeah, that’s going straight in the trash.”  But not this family, they put them right in the little boy’s room. Yeah they’re not exactly parents of the year.

As the movie progresses things start to happen in the house but the family takes it in stride.  Creepy clown dolls start attacking and the family is like, “If you see a demon doll try not to get killed.”  The little girl gets sucked into the spirit world and then family says, “Yeah, I think we can hear her from the TV.”

Once the little girl is trapped in the spirit world the family calls a medium to get her back.  He says, “We’ll get her by creating a pathway from the spirit world to our world using this old rope.”  Your solution is rope?  How very ’80’s of you.


But the family does get the little girl back and gets out of the house.  The family thinks they are safe outside of the house in their van.  But then the ghosts are like, “You’re totally wrong!”  Because next, the ghosts send the van straight through the wall of the house.  Somehow I don’t think there’s an airbag for that.

The Straight Dope:This movie is scary if you haven’t seen Paranormal Activity one through five.  You are probably better off with the cheesy 1980’s classic.

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