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Jupiter Ascending May Not Be Trending


Jupiter Ascending tries to convince us that a corporation seeded the earth with humans.  And also that Channing Tatum is an alien who just happened to lose his stripper powers.  Come on the aliens can build a space army, but they can’t find a stripper pole for Magic Mike.

The point of the movie is that the aliens are waiting to harvest the humans from earth for youth serum.  And the only thing stopping them is a janitor named Mila Kunis.  The last time I saw a hot girl working as a janitor was never.  I can just imagine Mila saying, ”Yeah, my contract doesn’t include using a dirty mop.” 

But if you’re worried about the plot then your problem is you are using way too much brain.  You probably need to dial it down because this movie is best enjoyed with a love of giant space ships and explosions.

There is a lot of action.  In fact, Channing Tatum spends most of the movie fighting and flying on these blue jet skates.  Which is cool until you realize every fight scene looks like Ice Capades.


The one thing I couldn’t get over was Channing Tatum is supposed to be half wolf and half man.  I don’t like to hate, but I enjoyed this character more the first time when he was called Mog from Spaceballs.   


In the end Channing Tatum says to Mila Kunis, “So are you going to let anyone know you own the earth?”  And Mila Kunis is like, “No I’ll just be over here cleaning toilets.  By the way, where is that stunt double?”  If I owned the earth I probably would end my career in sanitation management. 

Next week I hope to make it through Fifty Shades of Grey in

“Fifty Shades of Grey: The Idiots Guide to S&M”

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