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The Mummy Takes Us On A Journey Of Curses, Killing And Two Hours Of Boredom/Confusion

The mummy movie poster with tom cruise standing in front of the face of the mummy

ADD REVIEW:  So I saw the new Mummy movie.  And to save you some time, this movie is pretty much is good as a load of wet smelly diapers.  Because it just seems like the director said, “I have an idea, let’s reboot the Mummy with Superhero Scientologist Tom Cruise.  Then we have an excuse to throw in a whole bunch of random action scenes against crusty dead people.”  And that is why about thirty minutes into this movie I felt like I was the one who was cursed.

sofia boutella from the mummy movie. She is in chains screaming. She has letters in makeup on her face. Written meme: maybe my scream of pain will take your mind off losing two hours to see the mediocre mummy movie

image that says blows with a yellow smiley face. smiley face as a shocked look. There is a bar graph with the label audience laughs. The ranges are meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The meter is set on Meh

THE LOW DOWN:

Tom Cruise and his friend Jake Johnson are a couple of grave robbers who accidentally open up a secret tomb of the baddest mummy chick who ever lived.  While they’re in the tomb, Tom Cruise gets the bright idea to fire his gun at some ropes and release the mummy.  Which instantly made me go, “You’re an idiot and that makes absolutely no movie sense.  Tommy, it’s a bad idea to wake up the witch who’s gonna destroy world.”  

Anyway, next they hop on a plane to transport their new found mummy booty.   Unfortunately the plane is taken down by killer crows over England.  But when the plane crashes, Tom Cruise survives because he has been cursed by the moldy mummy.  But not only does he survive, he wakes up in a body bag with absolutely no scratch at all looking buff as hell.  Which made me say, “Maybe that mummy curse isn’t bad after all.”

But soon Tom learns that the mummy wants to stab with him with a magic dagger to make him into a god with power over life and death.  And upon hearing this he’s like,  “Sounds nice, but I’m kind of falling for my blonde co-costar Annabelle Wallis.  So thanks but no thanks.”

And in a lame twist to introduce a new character, Russell Crowe comes into the picture as Dr. Jekyll.  He is there to capture and study the mummy.  Which made me go, “Oh I see, we’re not in England to get a dagger, we’re in England to sell future movie tickets.”

russell crowe from the mummy. He is wearing a grey suit and has his head slightly cocked to the side. Written meme: I only looked concerned because you just set up my movie to have an audience of two people. Me and My Mom. thanks a lot dick

Next the Mummy gets captured and then escapes.  Then the mummy kills Annabelle the bombshell to trap good old Tommy.  That’s when Cruise is left with a choice to destroy the dagger and die or become a living god to save the blonde hottie.  Of coarse he chooses god because, why the eff wouldn’t you.  He then sucks the life out of the mummy, saves his girl and turns into half monster/half creepy dude who prefers to hang out in dark corners.

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In Logan The Remaining Xmen Battle An Army Of Bad Guys And A Lifetime Of Arthritis

Hugh Jackman from the movie logan. He is in a black jacked with the rain falling on him. He has his claws out and looking down pensively. The words logan are written over the poster

ADD Review: The movie Logan is like a VH1 special of “Where Are They Now.”   The once powerful Wolverine is a limo driver with the not so special power of gout.  And as a treat we also get to see that Professor X now has a memory of a sieve and a serious swearing habit.

comic popcorn movie bar with the words doesn't blow. There is a smiley face with a side grin. Under the smiley face are the words interesting throughout. Next to this is a bar graph with the words audience laughs. The bar is rated meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The rating is in yellow at meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

SET UP: In Logan the invincible Wolverine becomes a broke down Uber driver with bad vision.  And when he is not driving his limo, he’s scoring prescription drugs for for his boy Prof X.

STEPHEN MERCHANT THE MUTANT

Hey Wolverinie, the professor is still having seizures.  Which means your supply is really whack.

LOGAN

Hey powder get off my back.  I’m doing the best I can so what I need you to do is shut the hell up and appreciate living in this dump in the middle of Mexico.

Hugh Jackman from Logan with a full beard. wearing a white shirt and black suit jacket. Written meme: In case you didn't know, the once great wolverine transforms into a broke down uber driver who does Abe Lincoln Impressions on the side

Just then Professor X seizes.

LOGAN

Oh great, looks like I need to inject the old man again before his mind powers eff this place up even more.

Later on, when Logan is driving his uber limo, he gets a call and to pick up a mom and daughter.

MOM

I know you’re Wolverine and I know you can take me and this little girl to the mutant haven called Eden.

LOGAN

Well lady here’s what I know I like cash.

Logan goes back to his Mexican compound to get ready for the trip.  But when he comes back to pick up the mom and daughter he finds out the mom is killed really super dead.

LOGAN

Hmm…something doesn’t seem right.  Let me hop into my limo and lead the bad guys directly to professor X

Once Logan goes back to the Mexican compound he finds out the little girl hitched a ride in his limo.

PROFESSOR X

Don’t be mad, this little girl is special.

LOGAN

No old man, what’s special is you’re flying high on Xanax.

Just then a whole bunch of really tough bad dudes roll up.  They try to go after the little girl but epically fail when she turns into a mini wolverine killing machine.

PROFESSOR X

I told you.  Buy the way congrats dad.

LOGAN

Get in the effin’ limo old man.

Then Logan picks up the little girl and they have a car chase scene straight out of Mad Max.  Fortunately Logan, Professor X and the little girl escape.

Patrick stewart is in the back of a limo holding onto the driver seat looking like he is saying something. Hugh Jackman is driving with a quizzical look on his face. From the movie logan. Written meme: Logan I don't mean to be a Back Seat driver but could you hurry up and kill those bad guys so we can stop at the little boys room? 

But then later on the bad guys catch up to them, while they are staying with a nice family.

PROFESSOR X

Logan, it was  nice to have dinner with this nice family in the nice house in the middle of nice nowhere.

ALT GENETICALLY ENGINEERED LOGAN

Too bad it’s now time to turn this house into a nice little blood bath.

And that’s when Alt Logan goes on stabbing party.  But once again the real Logan, Professor X and the little girl escape.  Later on Professor X kicks the bucket.  

LOGAN

Damn you Alt Logan, it’s not fair.  You killed my boy Prof X and and you look ten times hotter than me.  

Next, Logan passes out from grief and pain.  Then Little Wolverine dumps him in the truck and drives to Eden. 

LOGAN

Hey little girl, you know what’s effed up, I pass out for a couple of days and you just drive across half of the frickin’ country.

LITTLE WOLVERINE

If you are mad at that then, you are really not going to like we pumped you with some green mutant juice to heal you up and be less of an a-hole.  Obviously it didn’t work.

The next day Little Wolverine leaves with all of the mutant kids to escape to freedom.  But Logan sees the bad guys coming and has the brilliant idea to inject green mutant juice unit it is coming out of his eyeballs.  Logan goes into beast mode, kills a whole army and then collapses dead as a doornail.

Da End

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Rings Has A Horror Movie Concept About As Fresh As A Moldy Tape From A Well

ADD Review:  Samara is back with the same tired old video from 2002.  People watch it and then somehow they get a phone call death from a landline.  Which makes you go, “I guess the whole movie doesn’t work if everyone just screens her call or ignores her text.”

image that says blows with a yellow smiley face. smiley face as a shocked look. There is a bar graph with the label audience laughs. The ranges are meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The meter is set on Meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

Set up:  Holt (Alex Roe) watches a video on his computer and contracts the virus called little moldy girl from the well is going to kill you in seven days.  Once this happens, he becomes MIA and his long distance girlfriend Julia (Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) gets freaked the eff out.  So she goes to his college and then to his class with teacher and resident creeper Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

JULIA

Hey Professor Leonard, I’m looking for my boy toy named Holt.

LEONARD

Can’t say I’ve seen him, but that does remind me I need to rush off to my secret lab where I expose students to Samara’s video of death.

Julia stealthily follows Leonard and learns Holt watched Samara’s video with a bitch named Skye (Aimee Teegarden).  That’s when Julia gets the claws out and goes to Skye’s apartment to open up a can of whoop ass like it’s 2002.

SKYE

Chick, I know what you’re thinking but let’s discuss after I show you a super awesome video about a dead girl climbing out of a well.

While Skye loads up the video, Julia picks up Skye’s phone and then just starts texting with Holt.  

HOLT (via text)

Babe, don’t look at the video.  Because if you do, then you’ll totally get a call and die in seven days.

JULIA (via text)

Holt that is a new level of stupid even for you.

HOLT (via text)

Whatever babe, just tell her you have to go to the bathroom to drop a bomb.

But once Julia goes to the bathroom Skye gets a visit from the Samara the wet blanket.  Oh yeah, Samara comes out from an unplugged TV and then turns Skye into a human California raisin with a permanent o-face.   

rings the movie with bonnie morgan dressed up as samara. she has dark hair, white face and a mean look on her face. Written meme: tinder profile: I like long walks on the beach, cold baths, and jumping out of TV's to kill mutheffers

Holt walks in.

JULIA

Holt I stand corrected, that bitch is real and she makes your skin really gross.

HOLT

Babe, the bad part is that’s going to be me unless I can find another sucker to watch that video.  So I’m going to take a nap and please don’t accidentally watch the pre-loaded video labeled Julia please watch this.

But of course Julia watches the video.  And then Holt brings her to Professor Leonard.

HOLT

Hey professor dude, there’s a problem.  Her file won’t copy.

LEONARD

Well maybe it’s because her video has a whole bunch of extra non-scary scenes.

JULIA

Professor, I think these are scenes of Samara’s mother.  And all we need to do is follow the clues in the video to dig up Samara’s grave and then set her free by burning her bones in a giant bonfire.

LEONARD

Sounds reasonable to me even though to make that conclusion you had to jump about 50 sharks.

rings with jonny galecki and matilda anna ingrid lutz. Matilda is looking at a computer trying to copy a file. Galecki is looking at her with a quizzical look. Written meme: you're really hot for a chick who's gonna die in seven days

Then Holt and Julia break into Samara’s creepy unmarked grave get caught by uber weirdo blind priest Vincent D’Onofrio.

D’ONOFRIO

Nice job finding her grave.  But she’s not buried there, she’s buried out in a field.

JULIA

Thanks, that’s information that will help us burn fifteen more minutes of screen time.

So Holt and Julia go on the wild goose chase.  And when they don’t find anything, Holt falls asleep again.  Then Julia decides to search for Samara’s mother on her own in the middle of the freaking night.  And like and idiot Julia goes back to the blind priest.

JULIA

I totally figured it out, Samara’s mother was captured by somebody very close to the church.

D’ONOFRIO

Seriously, even I can figure out this one and I’m totally blind.  Let me spell it out.  I did it.  I am Samara’s father.  Now let’s get on with the killing.

But Samara has other plans.  She kills D’Onofrio so that Julia can survive.  Then Samara takes over Julia’s body and sends a group email spam of her very unscary video.

END 

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La La Land Is A Fresh Take On A Love Story With A Boy, A Girl, And A Whole Bunch Of Random Singing And Dancing

ADD review:  In La La Land boy meets girl, girl gets mad at boy, so then boy makes girl into a snooty Hollywood actress.  And while all of this is going on be prepared to see a whole bunch of singing and dancing coming straight out of nowhere.

comic popcorn movie bar with the words doesn't blow. There is a smiley face with a side grin. Under the smiley face are the words interesting throughout. Next to this is a bar graph with the words audience laughs. The bar is rated meh, LOLHOTT and bust a gut. The rating is in yellow at meh

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

La La Land starts out with Emma Stone ogling Ryan Gosling like he’s ten times hotter than the sun.  But when she tries to talk to him, Gosling doesn’t say a word because he just got fired by the Farmer’s insurance guy.    

Months later Stone runs into Gosling at a pool party where he is in a band playing the most embarrassing instrument in the world – the keytar.  

STONE

Hey piano man I’m going to get you back by requesting all of the stupid songs of the 80’s.

GOSLING

Well then I’m going to pretend to hate you until it’s time to spontaneously break out in song and dance.

ryan gosling from the movie la la land. he is in a white t-shirt with a red 1980's jacket. He is playing a red keytar at a house party. Written meme You know how I know I'm hot? You still want me even though I'm rockin a keytar

Moments later they look out onto the beautiful LA skyline and go “It’s time to get our Fred and Ginger on.  Let’s sing about how much the view sucks.”

GOSLING (singing and dancing)

I’m still pretending to hate you and this view that reminds me of emoji poo.

STONE (singing and dancing)

On that one thing we agree so now it’s time for me to get in my bougie prius and leave.

The problem is they don’t make a plan to meet up.  So months later Gosling just randomly shows up at the coffee shop where Stone works.  

GOSLING

I didn’t mean to be a creeper but you’re like the only chick in LA without a phone.

STONE

Fortunately, I forgive you because you’re so damn hot.  Now why don’t you meet me for my break so I can tell you my whole life story in ten minutes.

Next they plan a date to watch Rebel Without A Cause.  But when Stone arrives late to the movie she figures the best way to find Gosling is by standing right in front of the screen.

GOSLING

Girl, get over here before the audience breaks out the rotten tomatoes.

As they watch the movie their hands touch and then they both move in for the kiss.  But that’s when the film burns through, the lights turn on and they both get turned off.

GOSLING

Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever been cock blocked by Mr. James Dean.

STONE

Don’t worry, we can continue our date by breaking into Griffith Park Observatory and commit a super romantic felony.

ryan gosling and emma stone from the movie la la land. They are in Griffith Park Observatory in the star room theater. They are looking up at the ceiling. Gosling is in a tan suit with a 1940's tie. Emma Stone is in a green dress. The are looking off in wonderment. Written meme I really hope we can complete our couples dance scene before we get totally busted by the cops

After this, they have a full on relationship movie montage.  And it’s all romance and flowers until the montage ends and the couples check engine light comes on.

STONE

Ever since you took that job touring with a band you’ve sort of become a pretentious LA douche.

GOSLING

So does that mean you’re not going on tour with me or you just don’t like cash?

Now while Gosling is being successful in a band, Stone puts on a one woman show that plays to an audience of almost no one.  Since her acting career and relationship are both in a tailspin, Stone goes back home to the bustling metropolis of Boulder City.  Then days later Gosling just shows up.

GOSLING

I know you hate me, but I’m here to pick you up for a casting call for a movie that has like a one percent chance of hiring you.  But I think you’re going to get the part because that’s what’s going to cinch us the Oscar win.

Stone gets the part.  Then she moves to Paris and becomes a famous actress.  Meanwhile Gosling stays in LA and opens up his own jazz club.  Then one night five years later Stone’s idiot husband takes her to Gosling’s club for the most awkward moment ever.

HUSBAND

Babe you okay?

STONE

Not really.  You see that super hot guy playing the piano?  I just imagined how complete my life would have been if I made the right choice and married him.  Not that I don’t love you, but you’re like the husband equivalent of a second place ribbon.

The End

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Passengers Lets Us Know If You’re A Dude Stranded Alone In Space Your Best Option Is To “Accidentally” Wake Up The Hot A-List Actress

ADD review:  In Passengers a giant spaceship hits a huge rock which then opens the sleeping pod of Gaurdian of the Galaxy Chris Pratt.  Unfortunately he is woken up years before he’s supposed arrive at his destination.  That’s when he’s like, “Looks like it’s time to break open Jennifer Lawrence’s pod.  Then, all I need to do is not tell her I woke her up for the next 90 years.”

written on the left the words doesn't blow. There is a yellow smiley face with a engaged look on his face. Next to the smiley face are the words audience laughs: and next to that is a bar graph with the scale of meh, LOLHOTT (laugh out loud half of the time), and bust a gut. The graph has a little yellow coloring at the meh level

Everything You Need To Know About This Movie In A 2 Minute Silly Screenplay:

Passengers opens with a spaceship transporting people in stasis to a new planet just so they can pollute it.  Suddenly the ship hits a space rock bigger than Donald Trump’s ego.  Computer errors happen and then Chris Pratt is woken up 90 years too soon…

PRATT

Hey computer why are you such a dick.  I’ve got ninety years to go which means my new home is going to be a coffin.

COMPUTER

Sir, you can send a message to fix me but just realize the reply won’t come back for another 55 years.  So you can just suck it.

PRATT

Well in that case, I’m going to live like a king and have a patron party for one.

Months later:

ROBOT BARTENDER – MICHAEL SHEEN

I may be a robot but I’m pretty sure nobody wants to find your dead carcass in my bar.

PRATT

Come on dude, I’ve done everything on this ship and I’m really freakin’ board. The only other cool thing I could do is wake up that super hot chick named Jennifer Lawrence.

ROBOT BARTENDER – MICHAEL SHEEN

Do whatever you like.  My only request is to resolve this whole hippy pantsless issue.

More months later:

PRATT

Ok bartender, if a hot girl walks into the bar, please don’t tell her I’m the creepy dude who opened her pod.

Later on Pratt and Lawrence finally meet.

PRATT

No pressure or anything, but I’ve been alone for the past year so just tell me when it’s time to get down to business.

LAWRENCE

I just woke up. And Ewww.

PRATT

I get your hint.  Let’s go get drunk at a nice bar that plays a whole lot of Barry White.

More moths later Pratt and Lawrence finally fall in love.  But this all gets ruined when the bartender lets Lawrence know Pratt is the bastard who stalked her sleeping pod.

LAWRENCE

Hey God’s gifts to no one, just realize hell hath no fury like a woman who wakes you up by punching you in the face.

PRATT

Well that secret lasted all of one month.

jennifer lawrence and chris pratt from passengers. Jennifer lawrence is sitting at a table looking distant. She has a tray of food in front of her. Chris pratt is walking up cautiously. He is looking sideways at jennifer lawrence. They are in a futuristic cafeteria on a spaceship

Then the computer malfunctions and wakes up crew member Laurence Fishburne.

FISHBURNE

So we’ve established that Pratt is an A-hole.  But let’s put this aside because this ship is going to blow and we need to fix it with absolutely no technical training at all.

PRATT

Sounds great.  I’ll do a space walk and then manually hold open a door to vent the hot plasma.  And I’ll protect myself with this random hunk of metal.

In the end Pratt saves the ship.  Then Lawrence saves Pratt.  Then they just decide to live out the rest of their lives eating everyone else’s food.

Gas guage dark grey with light grey background. The needle is red pointing to the number 1/2. Written next the gas gauge is how full the theater was on opening day. Comic Popcorn Theater Gas Gauge

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Rogue One Is A Star Wars Story About Taking The Plans For A Deadly Spaceball And Then Just Dying

ADD Movie Review:  We finally get an action packed prequel that explains why the Death Star blows up like it was built by a five year old.  But I’m warning you don’t get too attached to anyone in this movie because, chances are they’ll just end up dead as a door nail.

written on the left the words doesn't blow. There is a yellow smiley face with a engaged look on his face. Next to the smiley face are the words audience laughs: and next to that is a bar graph with the scale of meh, LOLHOTT (laugh out loud half of the time), and bust a gut. The graph has a little yellow coloring at the meh level

Review For People Who Have An Attention Span Greater Than A Gnat:  In Rogue one Jyn (Feliciy Jones) and Cassian (Diego Luna) go to the Jedi Holy city and find out the Empire is fiending on Khyber crystal like some ghetto crack head.  And the reason the Empire is jonesing on this crystal is to fuel up the Death Star so that they can make everyone really dead.

Ben Mendelsohn from rogue one: a star wars story. Ben is standing on the death star in a white shirt with red and blue color bars for rank. He has a cape. He is holding a gun. There is a black background with a light up screen in the back with a round object. Written meme: best part of my job on the Death Star is I get to shoot a big gun and look like a bastard doing it

While Jyn and Cassian are in the holy city, they meet Chirrut Imwe (Donnie Yen) and his partner Baze Malbus (Jiang Wen) during a nice Sunday afternoon rebel uprising.  Jyn is good at fighting, Baze is good at shooting and Chirrut is good at kicking ass while being totally blind.

Once the fight is over Jyn, Cassian, Chirrut and Baze are taken to Saw Gerrera (Forest Whitaker) who plays an out of breath broke down Mad Max extra.  And this is when Jyn learns her father just happens to be a bastard who help build the Death Star.  But her father tells her, “Before you get too mad, I also put in a secret reactor to make the giant spaceball go boom.”  

So now all our heroes need to do is convince the rebels the reactor exists, steal the plans for the Death Star, and then blow it up with some untested yokel farm boy.

But unfortunately once Jyn gets this information, the Death Star lights up the Jedi holy city like frickin’ roman candle.  Luckily all of our hero’s escape mainly because they have a fast ship and it’s only half way into the movie.  

Once our heroes get to the rebel base, they explain now all they need to do is steal the plans for the Death Star on a heavily guarded tropical planet.  And the rebel council is like, “Jedi please, that’s frickin’ suicide.”

So now our heroes are forced to get some ragtag rebels and go straight after the Death Star plans on their own.  They think it’s a good idea to roll on over to the Imperial base with twenty rebels against a whole planet of armed dudes dressed in white.  

Rogue One: A starwars story with two stormtroopers dressed in white carrying guns walking in the ocean. Written meme: Know What sucks about this tropical planet? My Stormtrooper suit doesn't come equipped with a pair of shorts

Amazingly, Jyn and Cassian get the plans.  That’s when the rebel forces decide to help and start shooting anything that moves.  In the coolest scene of the movie the rebels ram a star destroyer through the planet’s shield.  This allows Jyn to transmit the plans before the Death Star turns the Imperial base into the worst tropical vacation ever.

JoeJcom_guage_3_4_full_new
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Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them Is A Magical Mystery Hunt For Monsters And Harry Potter Fans Who Don’t Like Money

In Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them Eddie Redmayne goes to NYC and loses magical creatures who are almost as dangerous as New York pizza rat.  To get these beasts back, Redmayne teams up with perpetually surprised Dan Fogler.  This is a good plan because Redmayne doesn’t know the city and he can’t talk to anyone directly in the face because he has the personality of Dr. Doolittle on Dramamine.

the movie fantastic beasts and where to find them with eddie redmayne in a dark brown suit. He has a silly quizzical look on his face. He is in a garden area. written meme: just so you know this is me being really excited

But before they start looking for these monsters the guys drop in on a witches apartment to get some grub.  One of the witches Queenie uses magic to whip up dinner and flirts 1920’s style with Fogler.  Which means they generate the sexual tension of a catholic middle school dance.

As soon as dinner is over Redmayne and Fogler go into Redmayne’s magical musty suitcase/fantastic creature jail.  The most impressive thing about is case is inside is a magical world with a sun, crazy animals and no sign of giant underwear.

Once the guys feed the animals in the case, they go out into NYC to find the other little bastards that escaped.  First they capture a mole like creature who hoards jewelry like an NYC pimp.  Then Redmayne tracks down a glowing rhino thing in Central park and seduces it with pheromones and rhino mating dance straight out of Chippendales.  Then the the guys disappear into the case for what I assume is the weirdest threesome ever.  

eddie redmayne and dan fogler from fantastic beasts and where to find them. Redmayne and fogler are in suits sitting on the steps. Redmayne is smiling like he is proud of himself. Fogler is in awe. Written meme: oh my god, I just realized we're stuck in a magical suit case with a sexually charged rhino. Thanks for an Effion Weird threesome Dr. Dolittle

Next the female witch Katherine Waterston locks the guys in the case and takes them to the wizard council of New York.  Instantly Waterston, Redmayne and Fogler are considered guilty.  This is when Colin Farrell sends them off to jail by simply pulling out his wand from a wizard sleeve.

But in short order, Redmayne is able to break out of jail by using a little leaf creature who looks and acts like a very unfunny baby Groot.  Then Queenie smuggles everyone out in Redmayne’s magical jail case.

Once they escape a troubled teen named Credence lets loose his super evil power of becoming a giant black dust devil.  Like a typical teen, Credence whines and pretty much wrecks half of NYC.  But finally, Credence is cornered by Redmayne, Waterston and all of the wizards in a subway.  That’s when wizards act as judge and jury by pulling out their wands and shooting loads of magic on him until he’s dead.

ADD Review:  This is no Harry Potter.  If you like magic and the 1920’s you’re probably better off watching David Blaine do yet another rip off of a Houdini trick.

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Arrival Is A Movie About Aliens Who Have Enough Technology To Make It To Earth But Still Have Trouble With Grade School English

Arrival starts out with Amy Adams remembering how her sweet little girl kicks the bucket.  That’s right, this movie comes straight out of the gate with the super fun topics of cancer and depression.

But fortunately after the initial downer scene, Adams goes to work as a language professor and learns aliens have illegally parked dildo shaped ships around the world.  Like everyone else on earth she takes the day off because she’s freaked out about big black things from outer space. 

amy adams from arrival movie. She is at work wearing a white and gray shirt. She has a surprised look on her face. She is in front of a whole bunch of computers. Written meme: Kind of freaked out about the alien landing, but I really like skipping out on a day of work

But after watching the news all night she decides to show up to work the next day like a complete moron.  Fortunately while she is at work colonel Forest Whitaker shows up and asks her to interpret what the aliens are saying from a super ghetto recording.  Not surprising she fails and he’s like, “Well that didn’t work.  So now you get to meet the aliens in person which means, you get an all expense paid trip to boring ass Montana.”

In Montana Adams meets the aliens and theoretical physicist/awkward boyfriend Jeremy Renner.  The two of them learn even though there are twelve ships spread around the world, nobody has a clue on how to communicate with these a-hole alien squatters.

amy adams from arrival movie. She is in an orange radiation suit with a microphone. She is looking off to the side with a quizzical look on her face. Written meme: So You're telling me you aliens can builds a space ship, but you still can't figure out how to use a bic pen

But at least every eighteen hours the aliens open their ship to try to talk to Adams, Renner and the military crew.  Adams uses marker on a white board to communicate with the aliens and the aliens answer back by using their tentacle to squirt a whole bunch of gross ink in the air.  The problem is the aliens communicate with circles and nonlinear time.  That’s right their language goes back in forth in time.  Which made me say, “Hey aliens, if you figured out time, how about spending just a second to learn a little effin English?”

But what we learn is the aliens are teaching Adams their future language so that the human race can help them in 3000 years.  Which is kind of cool but also kind of a selfish bastard thing to do.

Once Adams learns their language, we find out all of the flash backs she has been having in the movie are actually flash forwards.  And she uses her new skill to see the future to stop the Chinese from killing the aliens and also to prove once again the world can’t do anything without knowledge and power of the good ole’ USA.

ADD Review:  If you have ADD you won’t make it past the first five minutes of this movie.  This is because this movie is a thinker and a little bit of a depressor.

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Ouija: Origin Of Evil Is Also The Origin Of Reigniting Your Fears Of Creepy Little Girls

In Ouija: Origin of Evil Elizabeth Reaser plays a mom who accidentaly turns her house into Grand Central Station for ghosts.  For some reason this lady thinks it’s cool to bring a ouija board into her house just to become a ghetto fabulous fortune teller.  And the moment I saw this lady’s plan I was like, “Hate to be stereotypical, but why does it always have to be a dumb white lady.  Because I can pretty much guarantee Madea would not put up with that mess.”

madea from the movie boo. tyler perry dressed up as madea with the glasses speaking directly to the camera. witten meme: if I was inveited to this ouija house party you'd better believe I'd be saying boo and kicking some ghost booty

And the moment Reaser uses this board the spirts decide to use her daughter Lulu Wilson as a little demon puppet girl.  Lulu gets possessed, starts answering ouija board questions and then acts like nothing ever happened.  And that’s when I said to myself, “Great so this is going to be one of those demon denial movies.”

Next Lulu uses the ouija board by herself.  The board lets her communicate with spirts and even leads her to money in the basement to save the house from foreclosure.  Once this happens the mom is like, “That little meal ticket is not going to school.”

As Lulu uses the board more, she gets further possessed until one night she looks into a mirror and her body is taken over by a ghost who looks like he just got invited to a gimp latex party.  From here on out, Lulu whispers demon secrets in peoples ears and starts walking on the walls and the ceiling.  That’s when her sister Annalise Basso realizes something may be a little off.  So she gets Father Henry Thomas to use his extensive experience with demons and aliens.

ouija origin of evil with henry thomas dressed as a priest wearing a black shirt with a white collar. He has a gray sweater. He is speaking to a family. Written meme: we're dealing with a possession. Fortunately I specialize in demons and E.T.

When Henry gets to the house, he gets a reading just to trick Lulu the demon.  Then he takes the mom and sister aside and talks to them in Lulu’s super haunted room.  And that’s when I was like, “Apparently more people just equals more stupid decisions.”

In the room they figure out that the demon was a doctor who liked to torture people in the basement.  So their next brilliant plan is to burn the Ouija board in the furnace of that same exact basement.  Which made say, “I would have probably gone with burning down the whole effin house.”  But of coarse they don’t do that.  And that’s when Father Henry gets possessed, the mom gets killed and Annalise gets sent to a mental hospital.  Making this movie perfect family fun for anybody with the last name Manson.

ADD Movie Review: For like the millionth time people use a Ouija board in a house and then everyone ends up really dead.

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The Accountant Is A Movie About What Happens When They Run Out Of Ideas For A New Bourne

Ben Affleck from the movie the Accountant. He is in a suit with a tie wearing glasses. He is holding his lunch in a tupperware container. He has a badge on. He is looking off in the distance

When I went to the theater to buy a ticket for The Accountant, I just wanted to see if they’d say, “Thanks a lot sucker.  What kind of idiot thinks Hollywood would make a movie about a killer accountant?” But to my surprise they made the movie and made me thirteen dollars poorer.

In this movie Ben Affleck stars as an autistic killer who’s torn between opening an excel spreadsheet and opening a giant hole in somebody’s neck.

the accountant movie with Ben Affleck. He is in front of a white board looking pensive. He is wearing glasses with his collar undone and wearing a tie. There are numbers on the whiteboard. Written meme did I forget to carry the one or shoot that guy in the head

And his skill set is valuable for any client who likes run their business from cell block four.  But for a change of pace Affleck takes a job to investigate accounting irregularities at John Lithgow’s life sciences company.  Which is about as sexy as watching a real accountant do his job.

Now while all of this non-excitement is going on, J.K. Simmons the director of the treasury gets a bug up his butt and decides to go after Batman Ben the Accountant.  Simmons sends agent Cynthia Addai-Robinson to hunt down Affleck for like the whole freaking movie.  And the kicker is she never actually meets him.  Which made me say, “Nice way to create the movie tension of a wet noodle.”

Fortunately the excitement picks up when Affleck investigates Lithgow’s company and falls in puppy love with Anna “Pitch Perfect” Kendrick.  But no matter what she does, their relationship only advances to the sexual spark of sixth grade Sadie Hawkins dance.

the accountant movie with anna kendrick and ben affleck. Anna is in a jacket looking at Ben Affleck's shirt pocket. Ben Affleck has a pocket protector with pens in his pocket. He is wearing a suit, and has glasses on. he is looking at anna kendrick. Written meme Mental note: This guy is reaaally into protection

Eventually, Affleck finds out Lithgow is stealing money from his own company and then putting it back in.  Lithgow is doing this so that he can take the company public and become yet another billionaire bastard CEO.

The twist to the whole movie is Lithgow hires Affleck’s brother Jon Bernthal to take out his best friend, his sister and Affleck the serial killer spreadsheet savant.  But things don’t quite work out for Lithgow in the end.  Affleck shoots Lithgow in the head and then calmly says to his brother, “Sorry about that.  Why don’t we get together next week?”

ADD Movie Review:  When you mix an accountant with an emotionless killer all you really get is Batman’s much less successful brother.

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